She wanted to come tomorrow and get some of her other things. I shall try to have a normal conversation with her about coming home. But it seems that when she is there in person she is cold, hard, and defensive.
I can't sweet talk, be nice, be kind, whatever...she will be a rudest, meanest, most hatefull person.
Also, I don't want her back right now. I don't think I can take her back just like that. Why should I? She has lied and cheated this entire time. Should I give her the comfort of her great home so she can keep on going behind my back? Its too early for me to believe a word she says, eventhough I would love to have her back right here, right now. Just my Loverbank is kinda low right now after all the hate coming way. Thats why I'm going out of town to gain strength back, look past the hatred she throws at me and try to come back tomorrow with a happy face and joy, and trying to show her "Hey look, I'm still here. I care about you. I love you. Return home and let us work on it!"
I know I'm confusing. I'm confused myself.
I got SURVIVING AN AFFAIR today finally. Started reading it. Should I get a 2nd copy for her so she might read it? Or keep this to myself for now?

Prismx,

Keep if for yourself right now...she'll resist any attempts to "educate her".

I'm glad you have this book, you'll read many of the same things people have been telling you here.

Glad you're taking a mental break. In my opinion you need some personal recovery before you can focus on marriage recovery.

Read about ENs and LBs - you would be doing yourself good and your wife good if you would just simply stop with the LBs.

We've all been in your place, we KNOW how it feels to be you. You're not alone, and in the best place to receive help.

Have you thought about coaching with one of the Harleys? It's my best advice. So much of what you'll learn here on MB is counter-intuitive. It's what makes wading through so confusing.

Your rollercoast of emotions are normal - take extra care of yourself while you're having a break. Get some perspective - read the book and come back here to vent and get advice!

Thank you.
Thank you everyone!
I appreciate all the advise, I have read it over and over and over. Some confuses me. Some goes back and forth. Some is right there smack in my face. Its all great help.
After 12hrs or so away maybe I will have a better focus. I just need to "log off" so to say because I sleep a little, I get up and im just as tired as I was when I went to bed. I feel like I built the pyramids over the last few days all by myself! Anyway, no more self pitty. Break time, clearing head time. I'll be back focused, taking the book with me, will read it tonight as i lay there and tomorrow the sun will shine and I be back on the battlefield with a clear head!
See you guys in a few! thanks for all the great help and encouragement! I/We will win this one!!!!

Update:

Well talked to her this morning. She is coming this afternoon to get more stuff. It looks like this is it. I did ask how 6 years are just gone out the door like this and she said it is all about her. She needs her space. She wants to be on her own. She has had enough of me.
I know it has only been a few days since she left, but I really think this could be it now. Maybe its my emotions talking again, but hell, it looks bad.
I have not contacted OM girl yet, I have no access to her as of yet. Working on it.
Guys, i know i might seem anoying, but I feel the rock bottom coming faster and faster.

Prismx,

First did you have a good time being away? And did you start reading SAA?

Reason I ask is because it will be alot easier for us to help you if you've done your homework and can relate to what we're talking about.

The most important thing you can do is not LB your wife when she comes to take more of her stuff.

It's LBing that has caused you some problems, and unless you've read SAA, ideally more than once - you're going to have a hard time knowing the importance of that.

Just because she's moving her stuff out doesn't mean it's all over. Truthfully, I wish you hadn't asked her to leave to start with because it's tough to Plan A after asking her to leave.

You're flipfloping all over the place. So the main thing is to get yourself under control. You can be in this for the long haul and try to save your marriage, or you can cut and run.

No one other than you know what's the right thing to do - but IMHO I think you haven't done all you can to save your marriage.

Be cool, calm, collected, and caring when she comes over. Give yourself a time-out if it feels like you're going to LB.

Keep posting!

Being away was ok. I missed the hell out of her. She came by today to pickup more stuff. It hurt to see her go. I was kind and polite and attempted to see if she wanted to come home. But that was a no go. Actually, I feel like total crap right now. Been out all night trying to get my mind of her but it won't leave. She gave me her new cell # at least but I didn't call tonight. I really wanted to hear her voice, but nothing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Is reality going to hit her sooner or later? I'm really down now. I want her back so bad even after all this. I know I sound pathetic but I really do.

Prismx.
I know its tough right now for you. I have been there and understand the pain, confusion, and all of the other emotions.

Hang in there because I see a lot of things that are or will work in your favor. I don't see OM being able to meet your W's ENs for any length of time. I see your wife being confused about her current situation with OM and you which works in your favor. You have a plan to deal with this and that plan works. Thanks to this site and the people on it, you have more information, more insight into whats going on, and more tools than your W and OM have.

You can succeed but you have to work a good plan A, be discplined(which is hard but you can do it), and be patient.

Vaya con dios.
GVS

I hate waking up! I have never hated it as much as I do now. It is such a horrible feeling.

We had not had contact since she came to get some of her stuff. Do I go and contact her today or just let it be and suffer through the day without hearing her voice? When she was here she already spoke of having thought about a divorce and such. That really hurt. I appealed to her senses to think about how much time we have spent together and asked if all is forgotten. She didn't say much.
She did hug me when she walked past me and she said "I do want to be sure you are still my friend".
How can I be demoted from husband to friend? My head is spinning.

Prismx,

Weekends are slow here on MB, which is unfortunate because that often when people need the most help.

Some of our most experienced posters are on GQII board. I think you should go over there and introduce yourself.

You need lots of coaching to help you through this. Personally I'd like to see you focus more on yourself right now, and less on your wife - it will help you get your balance back.

So go over to GQII, give everyone a introduction to your situation and you should pick up some good responses. Just know weekends are slow - but will pick up Monday.

Just a little update.
Feeling alot better today. Starting to clear my head a little bit now. I'm back on focusing on whats most important. ME!
She says she is out for "herself" well so am I. Been keeping busy working and such, the sadness has turned into a challenge to me now. I know i will swing back and forth for a while, but right now I'm up and going. I feel this to be a challenge from her to see if I survive on my own. I'm here to say. YES!
Lots of people talked to me. My mother put it into best perspective though. Look out for yourself, keep your head up, and don't wallow in sorrow about a cheating wife that doesn't deserve me. She is right and if at all possible, I will keep going at that.
I don't know anymore plan besides the plan to look out for #1 and be happy again. This has all been in a shorttime, I will fall back down and be sad, but for tonight I'm happy and dealing. I don't know how to expose their little going ons and honestly as of now...this might change...I don't care. Let them deal with it. If she wants to be a #2 to this two-timing low life, so be it. She was always my #1. If that isn't good enough...to hell with her.
Time to put together a nice meal now for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

prism

You are doing fine, lad.

Something BS don't realise is that looking after THEMSELVES also makes them a more attractive proposition to WS.

Eating right, exercising, socialising, being an indulgent dad...all these things make Ws question the horsesh*t rationale in their heads as to how BS "terrible" behaviour justifed their affair.

Stay healthy: physically, mentally and spiritually. When you baby comes back to you , you will need every ounce of strength to hold you both together until such times as she can help with recovery.

all blessings

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lots of people talked to me. My mother put it into best perspective though. Look out for yourself, keep your head up, and don't wallow in sorrow about a cheating wife that doesn't deserve me. She is right and if at all possible, I will keep going at that.
I don't know anymore plan besides the plan to look out for #1 and be happy again. This has all been in a shorttime, I will fall back down and be sad, but for tonight I'm happy and dealing. I don't know how to expose their little going ons and honestly as of now...this might change...I don't care. Let them deal with it. If she wants to be a #2 to this two-timing low life, so be it. She was always my #1. If that isn't good enough...to hell with her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Prismx - Well now, aren't we just having one big pity party!?!?

Your mother is reacting like most mothers would, to "protect" her little boy. Prismx, you are not a "boy" anymore. Or at least you aren't supposed to be. You are supposed to be a married MAN.

"...deserve you???" You mean the man who was so wrapped up in himself that he virtually totally neglected his wife and set the stage for her to get her needs met with some other man? You mean THAT man?

Your mother IS right about NOT wallowing in the pain. But that's what we've been telling you all along. Still, you are a very young man, still reacting to your emotions because it's EASIER than taking conscious control and BEHAVING as you SHOULD, not as you "feel like" behaving.

We are a somewhat patient lot with those new to the betrayal of adultery because we know just how crazy it makes us all. BUT there IS a limit to your wallowing and refusing to DO what is needed to be done. When that limit is reached, we have something around here called the "MB 2x4." Somethimes it's a Nerf 2x4 and sometimes it's a solid oak 2x4. But it's used when it's time for someone to start, or begin, to really use the principles.

Prismx, if you want any help, it's time for you to START doing a strict Plan A. No more goofing around and reacting to your emotions. YES, you are going to have your emotions, your feelings, and the are going to SUCK. But that is NOT the issue. The issue is still what I said to you way back at the beginning of this thread....

Do you want to be married or do you want to be "right?"

Prismx, there will be plenty of time to sort out what you think is "right," what you wife thinks is "right," etc. LATER on. Right now, your focus needs to be solely in two directions.

1. YOU making permanent Plan A type changes in yourself that are NEEDED!

2. Working to end the affair and get your wife to commit to AT LEAST giving recovery a try.

What to do AFTER that stuff will come in time, but right now, you need to decide if you want to take the "easy" road and just get a divorce, or if you want to take the "hard" road and fight for the marriage that you originally committed to "until death do us part, for better or for worse...."

So what will it be?

Prismx, it is NOT easy either way. But can you really look yourself in the eye years from now and say, no matter which way your marriage ends up, that YOU gave it your BEST SHOT and did not succumb to letting your emotions get the best of you?

Prismx, I know a man who, when faced with his adulterous wife, endured agony beyond measure, and eventually gave his life to save his wife from her adultery. It cost him everything, but he did save his wife from a life of adultery. I'm not saying that you have to die to save your wife, but I am asking you just how much DO you love this woman that you pledged your life to and how far ARE you willing to go and how much pain and anguish ARE you willing to endure BECAUSE you love her, even if she is presently hurting you? What sort of marriage DO you want in the future?

God bless.

<small>[ March 22, 2005, 06:56 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

Ouch! I hate hearing the truth. You are 100% correct. I have to continue on with the Plan, but I'm so freaken lost at this point I don't even know what to say.
Here we stand. I spent weekend with a friend, tried to keep busy and such. Well last night I was on a "high" and hence wrote what I did. I then got to pay for it by being wide awake the ENTIRE night. Not a minute of sleep...it was horrible. So now I'm sitting here, tired, sad, alone. She has not called me since she came by saturday to pickup some stuff. I did get this email:

"Hi, how was your weekend? I am just wanting to check in on you to see how things are. I hope you have a wonderful day."

How does one respond? Do I respond with a nice email back, do I ignore it, do I call her? Its hard to ever tell which route to go without messing something up.
My thought is, since im suppose to be doing Plan A, I should respond with a nice email back about my weekend having been good, etc. But I would lie...It really sucked without her!

Update:
She is coming by tonight to pick up more of her stuff and wash some clothes. I will attempt to talk to her and see how she feels. But I really think its just about the STUFF and WASHING. Not me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will attempt to talk to her and see how she feels </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? You should know by now that she feels confused. Don't ask, act! In general, when a person is in an A, asking them how they feel makes them feel worse, or get defensive. It is not unusual for them to say they feel great, to justify their behavior, even though they feel horrible - and then the BS comes here all distraught about how they can't believe how heartless the WS is. It is also common for the WS to say something that will make the BS think the affair is ending when it is not - essentially telling the BS what they want to here - at whihc point the BS comes here all jubilant only to be crushed later when they find out the WS went and spent the night with the OP right after their conversation. So, don't react to her - act!

You want her to associate positive feelings with being with you. As in "Wow, my H is so good to me! What am I doing?" But that is for HER to ask HERSELF - not for you to ask her. Better for her to ask those questions of herself when she is alone, and her lover is with his girlfriend, or when he is with your W, and acting like a jerk.

Exactly

Don't talk to her about your relationship. Don't ask her about her R with OM. Be pleasant, cheerful, and even "have plans" (to meet with your friend) even if for just a cup of coffee, so you can't avail yourself to her but for a few moments. Allow her to "picture" YOU moving on without HER. Now that's a reality SHE needs to take a look at!

Quit reacting to everything. Show her with your pleasant and positive outlook (you'll win an Emmy) that you CAN and will move on in a way that's best for YOU. Don't rub it in her face, just show her the appearance that you are NOT a crippled, emotional basket case, who can't live another moment with out her. Show her the Opposite, someone strong, composed, structured, organized, resolved and a MAN WITH A PLAN.

Don't get ensnarled in every word she utters. Keep her off balance, by appearing to take all this in stride with confidence and a bit of emotional detachment.

It's time to get to work, prismx. How much do you love her? Enough?

SD

You guys really do have the right answers.
I would have screwed this up completley again if I was to react the way I had planned.
I will be sure to not mention ANYTHING about her relations, A, OM or even me being depressed over the going ons.
I think she will be blown away by the changes in the house anyway since I been going nuts with the cleaning and arranging. I don't really know why...but for some odd reason I have become a clean freak. I guarantee you that you can eat off my tiles and it will be just as clean as a plate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Going to move to the outside now since I think its time to pull out the weedeater.
I did mess up today and called in for work cause I didn't have a minute of sleep. But that won't ever happen again!!!
I'll be sure to just discuss financial matters with her and leave the rest.
Thanks again guys! I'll update when its over!

Did as you suggested.
I did pay close attention to what she had to say though. So she hates basic cable, no internet, no washer and dryer, long flight of stairs, little apt, not nice neighborhood, etc.
She mostly complained about stuff and when I said at least her apt is gona look good with all this nice stuff in it, she goes "you should come see it sometime." What is that suppose to mean?
She is calling me tomorrow for financial matters, but judging her voice...i know im hanging on to everyword...it sounded a little sad. When she left I just said "See ya" and walked in the house.
She also took our best picture together, its one of us holding each other for the camera. I asked her why she is gona take my picture and she said "its mine and I like it".
Input?

Re-read your entire thread, stay in Plan A exclusivly without wavering, continue to clean and organize your house (work till you are exhausted, you'll sleep at night) and continue with the new, improved prismx.

Strong, unimpacted by the turmoil, act as if you are moving on, and don't run to the phone each time it rings. In fact, spend a little time away from the phone so you are not tempted to answer it.

About once a week, leave a rose in her car, with a note that just says "missing you". Nothing more.

Let her know you love her by actions, but also let her know you are not cowing down and "ending your life" because of HER decisions.

This is a thinking man's "game", and you need to think one step ahead of her.

Stay strong, eat and sleep well, continue establishing your "new" behaviors as lifetime "habits", and keep a positive mental attitude.

SD

Thank you shattered dreams.
I will stick to those thoughts. Iam staying away from the phone. I was a hair length away from being a coward and calling her. But I called a friend instead and had a really awesome conversation with him for the last 2 hrs. That was nice to. To just know others care and want to chit chat about stuff...other then my problems!
The rose idea is just amazing!!!! I will do just that on Friday I think. It requires ZERO contact but allows for her to think of me and not forget! You are one hell of a charmer!!!! Thats just outstanding advice and I really thank you it. I need to really think outside the box here and come up with things like that because they are amazing!
Well, I exhausted myself with lots of anger that I took out in form of..i know pathetic...heavy metal music and yelling, but I feel alot better. Talking to my friend also helped. Now its just crawling into the bed...alone...and getting up in morning and dealing with the job again! I can't wait to get back to work! I got a huge video editing project coming up that should really take all my focus so that will be nice! thanks again for all the kind words, right words, and smack in the face when I seem to be losing it! I really need that stuff!