My H (married 1.5 years but lived together 9.5)has had all the signs of having an affair for about 10 months. Unexplained absences, secretive, withdrawan, change in appearance etc etc. When I asked him he convinced me he wasn't and really made me feel bad about asking. I honestly don't know whether this is an EA or a PA, if it is an EA that would explain his ability to convince me since he wouldn't consider this wrong. On Feb 11 he stopped me on my way out the door to work and said, "I am sorry, but I want a divorce, I already spoke with a lawyer." DEVASTATED!! Found this site and am working hard to employ action plans learned here, but no luck so far in changing his mind. I feel if I could get him to admit to his A then I could begin this Plan A I have seen others here talk about (haven't found the plan on the site yet) but just don't know how to proceed since I don't know for sure who she is or what has transpired to this point. Do I even need to know these things to have a plan of action? Also, based on other threads I have tried to make all our interactions positive, similar to when we were dating etc, but I am so hurt and am still crying every day not usually in front of him though he caught me yesterday and said "Get your act together, I don't want to deal with this crap." I am so hurt I can barely function, work is a joke, taking care of kids minimally, just want this to not be true and go away. How long will this hurt consume me? I have to get back in my life and function. I need to stop feeling tears threaten without any control on my part. AAAAGH!

I'm so so sorry to hear about your H. And "Get your act together, I don't want to deal with this crap." is SO insensitive and just wrong. YOU didn't create the crap! He did! How did you respond to that?

What's the background on your M before he dropped the bombshell. You had hints he was having an A. But how was your relationship? Happy? Strained? Is this sort of insensitivity typical for him, that is, does he normally drop bad news at the WORST possible time? Or is he usually a nice guy?

Lastly, what made you get married after 9.5 years? Sorry for all the Qs.

Best,

Too

I am SOO sorry that you are here. But this place is great, for what it is! I wish that so many didn't need it.

I am no expert. I have lurked here and posted some, for about 1 1/2 years. First things first. Read the articles from links on the home page. You don't need your H's help to do Plan A. It is very HARD, but just keep trying! I really think that everyone, A or not, should read this site and put some plans and changes into action for a good M.

My H had alleged A June '03, but has never admitted it. We are approaching some bad times here soon. I NEED Honesty. But I did Plan A , and fairly well, just for too long. I never got further proof than I had initially.

That brings me to second thing. Get Proof of A, or validation of No A, however you have to do it. I used a digital recorder in his car. I tried a recording device on home phone (radioshack) that records both sides of conversation. I tipped him off TOO soon. So if you have to, gentle questioning is okay, but no Real accusations until you are 150% sure and can PROVE it (not necessarily in court, as some of these means are NOT legal). KEEP your HEAD! This is so hard, I know, but if you don't, you will regret it later.

What are some of the signs that you have seen that he is having an A? To me, these are important, for as long as you are not a normally jealous person, these signs can be very telling. Intuition is most likely fact-based; Little non-verbal things are noted by an "intuitive" person subconciously at first. That is why it is sometimes hard to articulate what you "noticed", because at first you don't even realize that you are "noticing" these things.

Good Luck and READ READ READ...I hope that a more knowledgeable person can help you here. Also, read other forums here, Emotional Needs and General Questions 2. I am sorry but you are in the right place if you want to have a chance at saving your marriage.

jls

"Get your act together, I don't want to deal with this crap." is SO insensitive and just wrong. YOU didn't create the crap! He did! How did you respond to that?
I apologized, he was mad because our 8 year old daughter woke up and overheard me crying and this is the 3rd time in about 3 weeks. We haven’t told her about this, mainly because I keep hoping he will change his mind and I DO NOT want to put her through this.

What's the background on your M before he dropped the bombshell. You had hints he was having an A. But how was your relationship? Happy? Strained?
I would say we had a good/stable relationship before the new “A” type behavior. I am sure I was not meeting all his ENs all the time, but then again I did not even know ENs existed before a couple of weeks ago. I definitely have learned things here that could have precluded my current situation if I had known sooner.

Is this sort of insensitivity typical for him, that is, does he normally drop bad news at the WORST possible time? Or is he usually a nice guy?
He is usually VERY sensitive, much more so than I am. That is one of his complaints, that he has always been my support system, but I have not been there for him. That is not strictly true, I have had his back but just like HNHN said I was meeting the needs I thought he had based on MY NEEDS, not his true needs.

Lastly, what made you get married after 9.5 years?
To clarify we have been together a total of 9.5 years, lived together 8 then married 1.5 ago. Why did we wait…I had been married previously for 10 years to an alcoholic. During that marriage I stayed home to raise our 3 kids which put me in a terrible position emotionally and financially. Don’t get me wrong I would not change the years spent home raising my kids but, it was unbelievably difficult to be in a position of so little control. That being said, I was hugely reluctant to marry my current husband and only did so after I had graduated college and obtained a professional job. I absolutely had no intention of feeling out of control again.

Ah-Ha! "You thought you had a great marriage". As a wood connoisseur i had a small twig like tree from africa a friend gave me as a joke. When i started to try to plant this little cute sappy little twigling, it moved!, it was not a tree! rather a stickbug that resembled a cute little twiggy twigling and it bites!, things arent as they appear

JodyM,

Somebody (I think starz) started a thread for you on GQII. To get there, go to bottom of this page and find "Hop to" box, scroll to General Questions II and hit GO.

Good Luck,
jls