For those who are just finding out about the betrayal, I want to assure you that if your WS says the OP is their 'soulmate', not to take it seriously:

http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20040301-000002.html

I disagree, if the WS says that, it says alot about how they feel about their marriage. I was a WS, and I know the OP to be my true love.

Too many of us marry way too young, and should never have married who we did. Then, sometimes later in life we connect with the one that we are much more compatible with.

mortal...

I'd have to say that in the time I've been here, I've seen numerous WS use that phrase, or one similar to it. And, they really feel that at the time. What is interesting is how few of them feel that two years later.

Kathi

mere,

My wife said the same. I got all the reasons.....

--we married too young

--we got married for the wrong reasons

--we weren't really in love.

--we didn't get married in a church so it wasn't real.

moon,

you said:
I disagree, if the WS says that, it says alot about how they feel about their marriage. I was a WS, and I know the OP to be my true love.

I'll agree it does say a lot about the state of the marriage but it doesn't have a hell of a lot to do with OP being your true love.

I was a WS. During my A the OW and I seemed to connect quite easily. It was natural and I believed that it was "soulmate" type stuff. Funny enough my wife had been in an EA for almost a year with her soulmate at the same time.

Both of us rationalized the hell out of our situations to justify our A's. Me because my wife was in an A and was adamant about getting the hell out of the marriage. Her because of me being shutdown wmotionally for the better part of my marriage.

Moon....you're in "love" with the OP because you have chosen that, not because you were meant to be.

Love isn't written in the stars, its written in our actions. Whether they be self-serving and shallow or commited and steadfast.

My $.02

God Bless

Doug

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Too many of us marry way too young, and should never have married who we did. Then, sometimes later in life we connect with the one that we are much more compatible with.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MoonandStars:

Very sorry to read your words. Doesn't say a whole lot about commitment does it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I suppose that those who made the choice to have children "way too young and should not have given birth to the ones they did" should feel justified in abandoning them as well. As none of our kids are perfect; neither is any marriage perfect, but all should be fully committed to succeed as the vows describe.

If you have children; I hope you never regret the choice you made to have them enough to abandon them because of an opportunity to be with "better" other children or because you are not "compatible" with them.

Good Luck.

FR

MoonandStars said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I disagree, if the WS says that, it says alot about how they feel about their marriage. I was a WS, and I know the OP to be my true love.

Too many of us marry way too young, and should never have married who we did. Then, sometimes later in life we connect with the one that we are much more compatible with.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First I want to say that I was a WS too. Having said that something about your post just doesn't sit well with me. Please don't take this as a 2X4 cause it's not meant to be... just my thought process.

My first wife and I "married too young" and maybe we should have never married or maybe we should have. And I did find some one I thought I was much more compatable with - all the things you mentioned, but in my view that's not really what is important. What is important is the fact that I made vows to my first wife which specifically stated that none of that stuff mattered - that I took her for my wife in the eyes of God and our community for better or worse. Regardless of anything else I broke those vows when I became a WS and that is wrong - period. No amount of rationalization changes that simple fact. To just nonchalantly say "Too many of us marry way too young, and should never have married who we did. Then, sometimes later in life we connect with the one that we are much more compatible with." feels to me like your saying "Oh well - that one sucked... no biggie I found a better one - out with the old in with the new".
I guess I feel like that because I consider what I did to be wrong and I have been - and continue to be very hard on myself for the pain I caused her.

As if that weren't bad enough... eight years ago when this happened I didn't know anything about MB or the concepts you can find here, and while I will never be able to say that it would or would not have made a difference in my situation, I know I have gained a very deep understanding of just how low I was in what I did... just how shallow and common the thing I thought was the "perfect love" for my "soulmate" really was - no more than dime a dozen "Lacking in Character-R-Us" post adolescent hot flashes in the primitive part of my brain.

I am still with the OW. I married here a few years after D from my first wife and I can say that I do in fact love her. I can also say that I now fully understand the pain of the BS because I am now a member of that club as well. I'm fighting for this one though. Why? Because it's the right thing to do. I didn't know how to fix it the first time around, but my tools are better now thanks to this site and the people here. There are no guarantees that I can fix it, but I'm going to give it everything I've got becuase marriage shouldn't be given up without a real fight. It's far too important, and means way too much.

I know this was kind of a ramble, but I hope it makes some kind of sense.

P.S. -
Sorry for the threadjack Meremortal

Cruz

i re-read a letter today from "HER". in it she tells my husband that they are soulmates and he is her best friend. and they had only known each other for 3 months.

i don't know about you, but i think it takes a little bit more time to cultivate someone for a best friend. especially if the other person happens to be a MAN, and happens to be someone with whom you are romantically involved. in 3 months of ANY new relationship, i doubt if half our spouses/significant others knew EVERYTHING about us in order to call us best friends. we were all still on our best behavior, i assume. you havent even had enough time to have a slew of "inside jokes" which i think is a definite ingredient for Best Friend Status.

and the thing about the soul mates. if there are soulmates... then that would imply that the universe, or some greater power had a hand in deciding your fate to be with that person, and if it were a perfect union, then why would the OTHER PERSON ALREADY BE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP???? (sorry, that was a bit of anger directed at "her")

my point is... which i would LOVE to write to "her"... is that you don't find a best friend in a matter of 3 months. and soulmates are usually unnattached.... it kind of plays into the whole "soulmates are for the rest of your life" idea, right?

thanks for letting me vent.

Maybe you should write her and say it. I wrote the OW an email in which I explained that through counseling and by remaining in my M I had be given ample opportunity to voice my anger at H for the whole A. However, I had not had the opportunity to express myself to her and since she invited herself into my M I thought she should have to hear how I felt and feel my pain. I then wrote all the ways I felt about their A and pointed out the obvious flaws in it (like what you said). I felt SO much better and actually received a sincere apology. It worked for me. Maybe you should consider giving it a try.

TTMIW,
i would love to. and i have been using a different avenue to "get messages to her". i know she reads my blog. so, sometimes i tailor my posts to let her know exactly how great we are doing. yes, at times it is mean-spirited, what i am doing, i will take responsibility for that.


so, maybe i should just do a post about MY best friends... and about the way i see the definition of soulmates.
i found this website: http://www.solvedating.com/soulmates-definition.html for good definitions of soulmates.

which defines soulmates in several different ways.
so, i guess if we want to look at it that way, then maybe they were soul mates... as in companion soulmates. i could be ok with that.

Classic Meaning of Soulmates
The concepts of soulmates arose from Greek mythology. According to the story, our ancestors once had 2 heads, 4 arms. They did something to offend a god so that god punished them by splitting them down the middle, resulting in the creation of humans. As a punishment, we are condemned to spend our lives searching for the other half, our soulmates.


Spiritual Soulmate Concepts
Many religions and spiritual paths believe in reincarnation and the concept of karma. Through reincarnation, soulmates may spend many lifetimes together in past lives. Other spiritual methods of searching for one's soulmate are astrology, numerology, palm reading, personality types, and magic. Modern spritual paths often blend western and eastern philosophies.

Companion Soulmates
These are people that we encounter through their life. These are usually friends, teachers, mentors, or other people who have helped you achieving a life's goal or helped you out of a crisis.

Twin Soulmates
These types of soulmate are your closest friends or a person whom you really click with. According to those who believe in reincarnation, you have already met them in a past life, and in this life you are continuing the relationship. There is an emotional bond between these soulmates and each is able to sense the feelings of each other..

Twin Flame Soulmates
This is the most popular type of soulmate. There is usually one twin flame soulmate for each of us. Twin flame soulmates have spent multiple lifetimes together in past lives. There is incredible chemistry and attraction towards each other. They "complete" each other and only few lucky people are able to find their twin flame soulmate. Twin flame soulmates, if separated, usually suffer enormous pain.

They all say that. Means nothing.