Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I'm going to just jump right in. I've been married for 5 years in July. Our marriage started strong. Then we started having issues. I was emotionally abused as a child by my father and neglected through both my parents as they were alcholics. The reason I tell you this, is I started doing the same stuff, to my wife.

I'd accuse her of things. Say mean spirited comments. Make her feel less then she is. I would have good days and bad days. I loved her all along but I was trapped in anger and the cycle of abuse. As a result my wife and I grew apart. We lived together and loved one another, but had both become numb. Me to avoid being cruel, her due to my cruelty. So I am in part to blame what has happened.

Late January this year, my wife cheated on me. She went to a local club with a new girlfriend of hers. There she met a man in town for a construction project. He whooed her and she fell into his arms. They had sex together. I found out as she was acting very suspicious the day before their fling. I put an Chat logger and keylogger on the computer.

The next day I read the logger, she had told a local guy friend she has all about it. I confronted her when she came home and confirmed everything.

Since then everything has fallen apart. I want to work on the marriage. She means so much to me. I've been getting lots better on neglect and the emotional abuse and continue to everyday. However now I'm just angry all the time. Angry at her infidelity. Angry that she now won't talk about it. She says she has forgiven herself and has dealt with her own issues and see's no point in talking about it. She states she is for the marriage now, but that by talking about it at all we just take ourselves back to negativity and we are not moving forward.

I personally am not over it. I try talking to people about it. I am so angry over the event. So hurt. I know I neglected her and was cruel. I admit my mistakes. However, I...and no one else for that matter, deserves to be cheated on or be the victim of an affair either. The OM is not in the picture. He was in town for a couple weeks. They did it the one night, he got what he wanted and would have nothing to do with her afterwards.

I just feel so wretched all the time. I feel as if I cannot trust her again. I stopped logging her, however I check on history, ask about numbers on caller id, or what she has done on a given day.

How do I trust again? Any tips on the anger? For those who might have gone through it, or are going through it...how do you cope? What works for you? I'm so lost and hurt and angry. Please help.

HH05,
So sorry you have found yourself here. I am new
here myself, so I don't have any great wisdom
(God, I wish I did)

There are SO many helpful people here..keep posting and reading.

Get the books ! Surviving an Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs .
Read, read...
Are you in MC? Get a good one and go, right away.
IC might not be a bad idea either with your family history.Is your wife willing to go for MC?
In order to move forward you have to find out why this happened, prevent it from happening again and start working together to repair this marriage.
I am angry too, major trust issues, I am very bitter, resentful, you name it, but I will survive this and you will too. I hear it gets better with time and patience.
My hope, is that all of us here come out of this stronger and with a better marriage...

Get into MC, write your thoughts and rants here or in a journal. Do you have a friend to talk to that you can trust?

Good luck to you

Me: Heartbroken
FWH : ONS -D DAY 2/3/05
Recovering...

I agree! Read, read, read. The more you read, the more you understand just what has happened, and what can be done about it. I'm in recovery myself. Letting yourself be angry, then letting go of that anger is a BIG step. The best way to handle that anger is to try not to direct it toward her. Go to the gym often, go jogging for an hour or so a day, do something to get all of that out of your body. And I am not a supporter of spying on your spouse. Yeah, you know something is wrong, she knows something is wrong. It will all come out in the wash. Spying just makes her feel more disrespected. Look past your own pain. Since he is gone, you can start looking toward the future with her. If it helps you, write her a long letter. This can help avoid arguements and still enable you to vent your feelings. BUT I must warn you...in this letter DO NOT say "you did this, you did that". Instead say "I feel...I think...I want..." If you just throw accusations at her she will stop reading and walk away. Eventually she will see why she should be sorry for what she did and she will come around. Meanwhile, be patient, show her some respect. See a counselor to get through your childhood issues. Your marriage can survive!

Welcome to the best club on earth that nobody wants to be a member of <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Its a great place to get the tools you need to recover your M however !

Check out this collection of resources for betrayed spouses new to MB.
New BS toolkit

It contains some of the bundled knowledge of the wiset and most caring people in the world regarding recovering from infidelity. I hope it helps to guide your moves. and keep posting.

All blessings.