I am having a terrible time with resentment against my live-in boyfriend, and it is starting to ruin our relationship. So, how do you overcome resentment?

Let me explain my situation. Before I came along, my BF had an affair with a married woman. This affair ended five months before I met him. My problem is that he is still in love with the woman. After he and I had been together for three months, he emailed her and told her that he would leave me for an imagined possibility of being with her--and that she was the only woman he had ever made love to when he didn't fantasize about someone else. I didn't find out about this email until he and I had been together for seven months and living together for three of those months. At that time, he assured me that it was no longer the case, and that he had written that email before I moved in with him.

I questioned him on and off about contact with her, and his feelings for her. He told me NC and that he didn't care anything about her anymore. Then last September (two years after their breakup and 1.5 years of us being together), he accidently printed an email that he had written to her, while lying in bed with me as I slept. Here is the email:

In my mind, I can still see you.

The first time we met.

Sitting across from me at that outdoor table.

My heart still races.

I miss your smile.

And your laugh

And your heart.

Well, he couldn't hardly deny it anymore, as there was a hard copy of the email to her. We had a long time, and I asked some hard questions--hard to ask and hard to hear the answers to. As time has gone by, these emails come back to mind and I feel just raw. I know he loves me, but obviously not in the same way that he loves her.

All this activity made me want to put a keylogger on his computer, and I finally did. There hasn't been alot of contact between them, but he does google her name and he checks her horoscope on a regular basis--pretty obvious that he still thinks of her often. Also during one of his chats with a friend, he said that he does love me but not the way he loved her, and that he just doesn't have the passion for me that he had for her.

Their latest contact was in January, on his birthday, and she initated that contact. In his reply to her, he said:

I hope you are okay and.......

You Know..........it's still there..the way I feel.

Tells me that he is still in love with her, after all this time!! We have had quite a few talks in the last couple of days. I asked him if he still thinks of her and he denied any thoughts of her. You would think that he would tell the truth after all that we have been through over her!

So, back to my question--how do I overcome the resentment? And knowing that he still thinks of her so often--with no apparent chance that they will ever get back together. She has no interest in that since she found religion. So, I guess I am not too concerned about an affair with her again--but his thoughts of her are driving me crazy!!

You can't possibly overcome resentment towards and ongoing situation.

You speak as if this happened LONG ago, but contact continues, after his winded denial.

I would seriously evaluate this relationship. This shouldn't be the way it is. If he's openly admitted to not having that feeling towards you now, what happens down the road ?

I'm not trying to sound harsh, forgive me if I am.

Did he end the relationship with the OW, or did she ?

What were the circumstances surrounding the ending of their A ?

Does her H know she still contacts him ?

There are bells and whistles going on all around me here.

Thanks for your reply!

And yes, I would have to say that I am seriously evaluating this relationship. I do love him, and I know he loves me too--just not the way he loved her.

What I know of their affair is only what he has told me of it. It lasted about four months, I think. He says that he ended it because he couldn't stand the thought of ruining her marriage. He said that he suggested to her that she seek counseling, and she did. Now, I am not sure at all that he was the one to end it. And as far as I know, her husband never knew of the affair. My BF did meet her hubby, and I think that was when he started feeling guilty in the affair. She doesn't live in the same town as we do--thank goodness! But she is only a couple of hours drive away, if he ever did want to see her again. But, like I said, I don't think she would have anything sexual to do with him anymore, since her newfound religion.

Knowing that he loves me, and I am the one with him now--not her--I would like to see this relationship work out. I guess I just keep hoping that he will eventually forget about her, or at least not think of her so very often. And why does he anyway? What is up with that? It's been 2.5 years since their break-up, why still have so many thoughts of her?

Has anyone ever continued to think of a past lover (on a regular basis) for this amount of time? I mean, I'm sure we all take a stroll down memory lane occasionally--but this is more than an occasional stroll with him.

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: earthmist ]</small>

EM,
Jersey is right you can't overcome resentment if feelings ar eongoing.

I hate to say this but you have been given a gift. The gift of knowing the inner thinking of your BF. He claims to not think about her but you know better.

I wish I had had something like this happen to me 20 years ago. If I had seen my wife's thoughts, I would have known that she had unresolved feelings for a male co-worker.

Turns out they've had a secret relationship, probably just a freindship but who knows, our entire marriage. Ultimately she has an affair with him that lasted at least a year.

Back when she first met him I could tell that they had feelings towards each other. You could just see it in their eyes when they just spoke to each other.

Both were engaged so maybe they didn't press the feelings in order to do the right thing.

I wish they had. They'd either be together now and I'd have been married to someone else or she would have known then and there that he wasn't the ideal she made him out to be. She denies it but I think she has subconsciously compared him to me our entire marriage.

As I said you've been given a gift to see the lie in someone's mind.

You deserve better. There are plenty of great men out there who would love a relationship with just you.

Many people when they date keep the current relationship on a string while they keep looking. We all want to maximize our choice. It's human nature. We just need to be honest about it and cut the current relationship loose if they are not the "one."

Mac

EM,
You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But, like I said, I don't think she would have anything sexual to do with him anymore, since her newfound religion.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't count on it. As I see it there are more religious people here at MB than non ones. Many current WSs and former ones are going to church and bible study, but seem to be able to rationalize their behavior.

My wife did this as well. We'd go to church. She was involved in a Bible study. Complete hypocrisy and denial.

Are you sure your BF hasn't seen her lately? How do you know this? Because he told you. You already know he's willing to lie to you concerning his feelings for her.

I'd say as long as he's lying about his feelings there is reason to believe he's lying about other activities as well.

Mac

You don't need to get over the resentment...yet. You need to wake up and breakup. Hello?! He wants someone else and the fact that he can't have her doesn't matter. That sounds like the only reason he's not with her.

Come on. He's just a BF even if he is a live-in, he's not your husband. I'm sure you love him, but if he doesn't love you, it'll NEVER work. Trust me.

...he does love me but not the way he loved her, and that he just doesn't have the passion for me that he had for her.

Why put yourself through that? Save the resentment for after you have to move and shlep your stuff out.

There is somebody out there who would make you #1. You shouldn't play second fiddle to any woman. Get out of this situation and a)be his friend until he gets over this chick, or b)move on and find yourself a man who will live for you, and you only!

Wow! What a great bunch of people I have found here! Thanks for all of your opinions and thoughts. You'll never know how much it means to me to hear from all of you.

I'm sure I will post more as I process these issues in my life.

In love and light,

~C