Hello, I am new here, though it sucks to be here, maybe someone has the advice I need. I have been with my husband for 18 years (married 9 of them) 5 years ago I found out my husband was cheating on me. He said she was only someone to talk to about his day, I told him that should be me. We worked through it then, and when I began, on my own to trust him again, I found a cell phone stashed in his truck. I got the numbers on it and called and found out her name then hung up. The next time I called, I got the voice mail and left a nice message about the good marriage we have and she needs to focus on her own life and leave ours alone. Needless to say H found out and the numbers were changed. He told me he got rid of the phone. I tried to rebuild the trust once again, by myself. Anyone who knows us would never believe this. He treats me so great, buys me jewelry, we drive nice cars, go on nice vacations. I asked him if those things were done for me out of guilt, but he insists it was because he loves me. ?? We definitely look and act like the happiest couple, as I always believed we were. I had thought through the years we were making progress. WRONG! In Nov '04 I confronted him about charges on the CC for sex sites. That started it. Things went down hill with him then. In 4 months he maxed out a CC. Most of it for cash advances. But never would tell me where it went. Stayed out all night a few times, came home the next day, usually hung over and all remorseful. Then one day I found a CD in his truck titled "our mix". I played it, and it was alot of songs that a woman would send to her lover. Songs that meant something to us at one time also. He tried to deny it of course. I finally got the truth that it was the same woman. If we had been having problems in our marriage I could understand this. But he always seems so happy with me. Through a lot of hell in 2 weeks we decided to talk. One of the things he said to me that floored me is about how he has grown in the business he is in and really moved up, but I haven't "grown" with him. I was working part time for many years, and now unemployed. He is the one who has always bragged to our family and friends that I don't have to work. Now he makes me feel like I haven't climbed the corporate ladder with him. Obviously this OW has a good job. BFD--I treat him with the respect any man would want, and anyone we know would tell you that he worships the ground I walk on. He said he is not walking out on this marriage, but he is worried about the trust issue and says time will tell. I feel the trust issue is his to rebuild, he is the one who broke the trust. I told him he has to help me regain the trust again, because he didn't in the past. I am not sure he will be able to get rid of the OW.(after 5yrs) He always says "Its not what you think" So yes I think the worst, so am I to believe this is not a real affair? We actually have always had a good sex life, too, which makes this all the more confusing. I am hurting so much these days. Not sure if I really do measure up to the wife he apparently wanted, but never told me. Please give your input. Thanks!

JMN,

Gosh your story sounds so much like mine! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
"Just a friend,,,someone to talk to,,,just a very nice woman,,,not what you think " <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Yes, I heard all those too...**sigh***

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One of the things he said to me that floored me is about how he has grown in the business he is in and really moved up, but I haven't "grown" with him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JMN, this is called "rationalizing, rewriting history, justification",,,,all very common in the explainations for turning to someone else. And the simple fact is,,there is NO justification for choosing to have an affair. IF he had a problem with you not working, for not being involved in HIS work, whatever,,,he had many logical options to resolve that. Talking with YOU, counseling, etc.. It is NO excuse to get involved with an OW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said he is not walking out on this marriage, but he is worried about the trust issue and says time will tell. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's going to take more than time. He has alot to prove to you. It's going to take alot of work, patience, persistence and accountability. Trust doesn't automatically return. He has to earn it.

Are you and your H in counseling?

Please take the time to read all parts of this site. There is so much good information here and it IS possible to rebuild your marriage. It will take alot of work from both of you but you can attain a better marriage than you ever dreamed possible.

Thanks for your reply. Actually we are not in counseling. I really think we need to be. We're so freakin broke since he was maxing the credit cards out. He is really a good man, but too private sometimes. I am so afraid to talk to him for fear that he will leave. He thinks I need to have too much information on the OW. Well "no crap" I think I need to know what I am up against! Your input about working hard and attaining a better marriage than I ever dreamed possible really brought tears to my eyes. That is the one dream I would love to see come true. You seem to understanding about this. Its amazing what you learn when you have to go through something like this. Thanks! JMN

JMN,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Actually we are not in counseling. I really think we need to be. We're so freakin broke since he was maxing the credit cards out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish you could get counseling from the Harley's. I hear they are really worth the money. But of course if the money's not there.... How about checking into your insurance? Or with your church?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is really a good man, but too private sometimes. I am so afraid to talk to him for fear that he will leave. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now is NOT the time for privacy. He needs to be able to open up to you and you need questions answered. You can not just push this under the rug and hope that it will go away.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He thinks I need to have too much information on the OW. Well "no crap" I think I need to know what I am up against! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In all honesty JMN, you are not "up against" her. She is not REALLY the problem,,only a symptom of the problem. If it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else. Now,,although I TELL you that, I know exactly how YOU feel. I also had to know EVERYTHING about the OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I probably know more about her now personally than my H ever knew or cared to know. It isn't until later, much further down the road to recovery that you really understand, the OW doesn't really matter. It could have been anyone. She was there.

But you do need to understand how and why the affair happened. What was happening with your marriage. What made him reach out to someone other than his W. Was it needs not being met in the marriage or something lacking within himself. This is NOT to justify his actions. There is NO excuse for an affair no matter what the problems were. There were other alternatives and he made a poor choice. But you do need to seek answers to make your marriage as safe as possible from the same happening again. Talking together with him will help you to get these answers. This is why counseling is so important if you are unable to have constructive discussions together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your input about working hard and attaining a better marriage than I ever dreamed possible really brought tears to my eyes. That is the one dream I would love to see come true. You seem to understanding about this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't have ever believed it myself if it hadn't happened with us. It's not the same marriage as it was before the affair (with the same naive innocence) but it shouldn't be. Something was wrong, although I wasn't aware at that time it was SERIOUSLY wrong. We are wiser now, more tolerant, talk more, make sure we agree on things, apologize when we are wrong and definitely appreciate each other more.

You two CAN do this!!

Nerlycrzy,

From what you wrote, it seems like you are still with your H. Thats good to know there is hope for us wives going through this. You're right about the counseling from the Harley's. That would be awesome. I do have the books- His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. They have some really good info. My H knows I am reading them, I just need to get him to read them. I even have Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue which has good info also. I did check with our insurance, and do not have that coverage. I guess if I end up much more depressed about this it may be covered under something else like psycotherapy or something. Which I don't want to happen. It's hard because I try to cover it up when around people. My kids are the only ones who know about this. We did have some counseling 5 years ago, but I really think my H fooled him into believing he really wasn't doing anything wrong. That guy was a quack! And I told him so after he released us from counseling. Its hard to really find someone unless you have some good references from someone else.
Believe it or not our weekends are great! We do things together. I know he really does enjoy our time together. I know this is not good, but I just try to enjoy the time we have. I hate just living in the moment-I need to know we have a future. I am always looking for the right time to try and talk to him. It seems he keeps himself busy to avoid me, because I know he knows I really want to talk, and hate to interrupt him. This may sound crazy, but for some reason I don't think the OW is the real problem. I think he may be using that to hope that I just walk out of this marriage, but I will take alot before I do. I take my vows very serious. I married him for life! When he met the OW 5 years ago he said she was married. She is divorced 2 years now. I asked him why aren't you with her then? He said because this is "our" home. (Well, then lets make it a happy one) There is so much good about our marriage, that is what makes this so confusing. I am not sure if he is just "talking" to her or what the H is goin on. I do think we have always had a good sex life, so its hard to believe that is going on there. What kind of woman would put herself on hold and hope that he will leave his W! He apparently does not tell her about all the good times we have, and the vacations we take together, and family things we do together. No one who knows us would ever try to break us up. Maybe she does not want a real relationship with him, or maybe they didn't plan for it to come out yet. I have 2 kids that he has helped me to raise, and they are wonderful thanks to his help and not their real father. He cried when he spoke of them and how much he loves them. My youngest is in college, and sometimes I think maybe he wanted to wait until she is finished and then leave me.
Honestly I do not know how or why the affair started. I don't see anything in our marriage that could not have been fixed by talking about it. He just needs to talk to me. He always says he has so much conflict at work (he is a superintendent) that he does not need it at home. So with that you can see how something can go wrong, and he does not want to take the time to talk about it with me, just push it under the rug where it stays until the next time.
"You two CAN do this" is something I believe in so very much. Thanks! There is much more good about our marriage than bad. So I truly feel there is hope for us, I just need to get him to believe that.
I am always telling him how much I care about him and love him and what I need from him. His response is usually "Its always about you and what you want!" Well this is how I feel --It's been about HIM for the last 5 years, since he chose to go outside our marriage to get something he thought he needed that he really could have got right at home. All he needed to do was talk to me - His Wife!