We moved from our home of 12 years this past July. Our oldest D graduated college this in December and our youngest started college this past fall. So, we were empty nesters, and, at least I, was looking forward to a new life together where we focused on each other, proud of the way our D's turned out.

I knew this would be a hard move on my wife since she was leaving a good job working for one of my best friends, plus leaving behind many other great friends.

I tried to get her involved at our new location by volunteering, doing things with her, etc. After hearing "no" too many times, I quit. I wondered why she wanted to stay home all of the time, not even getting to know the neighbors. After a while, I suspected something because she constantly was "checking her emails." She also had a "need" to go back to our old home about once a month to take care of various things.

I felt guilty about it and started snooping before Christmas and found she was deleting history, but I could tell she had a secret email address.

On 2/7, I came home after a business dinner and she was playing a game. I asked her if I could play and she gave the computer to me. Then I saw she was logged in under a love name and read the only email she saved. She was telling someone that she loved him and needed him. She was so excited when he had called that day and was miserable they couldn't talk that night. I confronted her and asked her if she was having an affair with my former friend, her former boss. The answer was yes, but that they had only kissed one evening and kept up this EA for over five months, expressing their love for each other through it all.

I was devastated that she would have an A with one of my best friends, let alone anyone. To top it off, the OM's BW was one of her best friends.

She says she cut it off. She may have, but I do not trust her.

I have been miserable for the past five weeks. We have been seeing a counselor, both separate and together. My problem is that I do not want to invest the capital in reconciliation. While we had dreams of growing old together, those are very distant now. I still love her, but don’t want to deal with this.

Why should I vs. starting anew?

Thanks,

I'll drop my 2 cents. I say leave her but keep things friendly. Of all the people it had to be your bestfriend. That's a big slap in the face. Take this as an opportunity to meet other people. Life is too short to invest on a cheating heart.

Yoko,

That's where I'm at. I know there will be loneliness and misgivings, but I'll do OK. I worry about the kids, but they are strong and will be OK too. They would not find out why from me.

When I read most of the posts about reconciliation, the betrayed seem to come to an "ole well", let's fix this. I'm miles away and don't really have a desire to get there after counseling and five weeks.

TNX

Moved,
Please ignore the resident troll. It's not worth that response.

I'll tell you why you are here, and why you want to "bother" ... because beneath all the pain and betrayal, you know there was a major breakdown in your marriage.

It doesn't excuse what your wife did, and it will be hard work, but you can build a better happier marriage. I promise you this.

There is so much going on with your lives, so many changes, I'm sure it is overwhelming.

You're stinging hurt, mad, beyond anything you've ever felt. But let's face it, if you're boots were made for walking, you'd have been long gone by now buddy.

You want to fix this, you need someone to say, it's acceptable to fix this. I've been there, I've done that. I'm not sorry I DIDN'T walk away, and my H and I building a great relationship. We've opened up whole new lives for ourselves.

This is ALOT to digest. But I want to get you the right help, and quickly. I will send positive reinforcements !!

PLEASE don't listen to the resident troll i.e. people who DON'T support the MB principals, and like to inflict pain for no reason other than to share the misery they are enduring ? Who knows.

Hang in there...I'm sorry you are here, but you'll find exactly what you're looking for.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MovedAway:
<strong>

Why should I vs. starting anew?

Thanks, </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MA, only you can make the decision to deal with this or not. However, I will tell you that divorce is probably much harder than working things out. Please consider that and the fact that your anger is temporary but divorce is permanent.

It is very possible to not only recover your marriage, but to have a better marriage than you had before. That being said, no one could blame you if you did decide to move on.

If you want more responses, please come over to the General Questions II board. We didn't know you were over here until betrayedinhjersey came over and told us.

Affairs with best friends happen quite frequently. Have you exposed the affair to the OM's wife?

MovedAway

I agree with Betrayed! Don't give up on the great relationship you once had and can have again but even better. Whomever this Yoko is seems to give up to easily on others marriages possibly because they could not endure the pain it takes to rebuild their marriage.
Again do not give up until you have tried everything within your power to stay together and rebuild your marriage. There is allot of fine material here to read and plenty of people who will spend the time to help you through this.
The first couple of weeks after the discovery of my Wifes long term affair about killed me! We are only 4 months into recovery but I do not regret giving it my all to save what we had and can have again.
We both now realize there is much to do and much pain yet to go through but we are doing this together as it should of been from the beginning instead of jumping ship.
Hang in there and please discount the B-S**t the hurting individual gave.
You are in the drivers seat so steer in the right direction.

SM

Moved Away,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I still love her , but don’t want to deal with this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one wants to deal with this, Moved Away. But, because you still love her, you're going to regret it if you don't at least try.

I know right now, at only 5 weeks after DDay, you're still in shock and hurting bad. But you need to know it IS possible to have a better marriage than you ever dreamed possible.

Have you talked to the OM? His W? Does your W express regret, remorse for her poor choices and does she want to work on the marriage?

Thanks for the advice. I'm not really angry anymore. Perhaps the acceptance stage...still hurting though...that's what is so strange about this. I just don't have the desire to fix this even after spending many hours in counseling. I'm not even pointed in that direction, but not sure that is right.

I have not told the OM's wife and don't plan to. They have three great kids that are also great friends with mine.

I'll come over to the other board. I'm brand new to this, so thanks for your patience.

I have not spoken to the OM since I found out. I did send him a "thank you" email for his involvement in this mess and told him we were in counseling. WW to understand why and how. For me, how to tell the kids we were getting divorced.

She says she wants to reconcile, and I believe her. Problem is I suspect it is for the wrong reasons -- kids, friends, security, etc.

He responded with his remorse -- didn't have the guts to call either of us by name. He didn't even us his own name.

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: MovedAway ]</small>

Sorry to see you here on this board but you came to the right place.

I'm just 5 weeks away from D-day just like you, your story is similar to mine,so I can understand how you are feeling right now because I'm feeling just the same way. Your emotion are to strong at the moment, you will not be making good decisions. You will always have the option either to stay or leave but the anger and pain will not go away right now just beacaue you decided to end the marriage.

I went to counselling alone and I was give Anti drpression pills, it really helps atleast temporarily. I can think a little better now. I'm just trying to rescue my self and to be strong to face whatever to come.

I found this board a week after the incident and I really got help I needed. Please come here often to vent or for advice.

For my self I know I can just walk out of marriage anytime, I will save it for later until I'm sure that its right for me.

Hang in there, you have to save your self first. Just give it a shot it won't get any worse than this. God bless you.

MA,

Hello and its great that you found this place, even though you probably wish you hadn't had to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> just don't have the desire to fix this .., but not sure that is right. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just to comment on this, I know what its like to be in a lot of pain. I found that it is really hard to be certain what I wanted when I was in that situation. Sometimes I couldn't even decide what to have for breakfast when I was depressed, let alone who I wanted to live my life with.

Have you read all the information on this site ? Also the founder of this site has written some books, like Surviving an affair, that are really helpful, and there is also Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. I think its important to take however much time you need to make a decision, so its with a completely cool head. Also so you KNOW its the right decision and you're not going to regret it ever.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have not told the OM's wife and don't plan to. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">About this, I can understand what you're saying. On the other hand, how would you feel if someone kept important information like this from you 'for your own good'?
I know what I'd prefer.

Good luck and it does get better from here!

Mov,

BIJ asked us to come over..... as for your questions, they are a bit premature. Recovery for your M isn't close to even being considered right now. That's the bad news. The good news is that here @ MB you can learn about a good plan that helps you heal 1st. Later if and when your W decides to shed her WS skin and come back the family as she should (as your W and NOT as the WS), then and only then can M recovery begin t/b considered.

Til them, concentrate on learning about plan A. Build your immediate support group and this includes your chlidren. BE each other's support group. Know that you can't teach a WS anything. Think seriously about exposure to OM's W. She needs to know. If the tables were turned would you want t/b kept in the dark? Children know more than you think and the last thing children want is t/b lied to. Don't make that decision for them.

Read up on Surviving an Affair along with His needs/Her needs. If you can schedule some phone MC time with Jennifer or Steve at MB.

Welcome to MB. Hard place t/b but for many it is a good start to get back on your feet.

take care,
L.

Good Morning,

In a lot of ways, I envy you. Your wife had an affair, admitted it and you have everything on the table. In my own marriage I'm sure my husband had an affair, but I can't confirm it, he won't admit it, and I'm stuck with an open wound that won't heal.

As in your situation, I suspect that my husband wants to reconcile b/c of the kids, security, and not having to find another partner. And like you, I still love my husband. What isn't clear in your posts, however, is what other marital problems preceeded this. Was it just that you moved and your wife, feeling out of place and insecure, latched onto this long time friend for solace? If this is the case, I would try to stick it out. If she's had a long term habit of neglecting you emotionally and this is just another manifestation of it, you may want to think twice.

There is no easy answer here. No one wants to be in your situation as you enter your golden years, but whatever you decide, you have to do it knowing that you can feel loved and comfortable in the relationship again, and that she is totally commited to you and your marriage.

Moved,
I am sorry for your pain. I know you are hurt and confused, not sure you want your M. Please don't be hasty in any decisions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She says she wants to reconcile, and I believe her. Problem is I suspect it is for the wrong reasons -- kids, friends, security, etc.

He responded with his remorse -- didn't have the guts to call either of us by name. He didn't even us his own name.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know it hurts to hear but right now your WW is still "foggy" and addicted to the feeling OM provided so wanting to stay for your kids etc is not a bad place to start IMHO. Please reconsider your stance on exposing OM to his W. She has the right to make her own decisions about her life just like you do. Plus the chance of your WW and OM starting contact again will be less with exposure. Have you considered putting some spyware on your computer to see what your WW is doing? I know it sounds bad but "spying" is not a LB it if for your own sanity.

Thanks for the advice. It feels good that I actually have people to talk to other than the counselor. Being new to this area makes it tough since I have not made close friends.

I haven’t read all the books, only what’s posted on the site. I’ll also get to the bookstore tomorrow.

W.R.T. discussing with the OM’s W, I hear you, but am not there. I’ll give it some time and see if this is really over. If not, I think I will have to.

To Deb, good luck finding out the truth.

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: MovedAway ]</small>

MovedAway -

You are much too early in this to make any decisions. Of course you are shocked and terribly hurt. Your whole world has come down around you. I think you may be in the numb stage.

I hope you will read, and hang around here before you make any decisions. Many, many folks have gone on to have much better marriages.

Hello MovedAway,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you are here due to Infidelity.

I will just reiterate a few things that were probably already mentioned: you should not make any decisions about leaving your WW right now.It is way too soon.Your DDay was only last month.You should wait 6 months(recommended time frame) to adjust and see how things play out.You said that you do not want to invest the capital in reconciliation right now but this is not a business vetnure.This is your marriage.Please do not tell the kids about a divorce when it's too soon yet.They will be devastated and do not need to know about anything unless you are ABOLUTELY SURE.You have been married a long time: you should be able to give your marriage it's time to see if it can be saved.

Next,you really need to expose the A to the OM's W.You don't have to "be there" with feeling it's ok or that you can do it but take our advice,it's critical.Sometimes,the best way to have an A end is by exposure.The WS gets scared and goes back to the BS leaving the OP to fend for themselves and other times it doesn't matter too much right away and the WS still continues the A but you have to use all options at your disposal and exposure is one big one.The OM's W has a right to know and if she can put any pressure on her WH to end the A then that is good for you.The time is now.You don't want to wait too long before the window of opportunity closes and the exposure doesn't have it's full effect.

As far as what you have told us,we do not have any real reason to believe the A is over.Rarely is it over right away when they are caught even when they say so right to your face.WS's lie and will hide the truth to keep the A hidden from you and stop you from asking questions.If they know you are watching,they will find ways to be more deceptive.You have nothing to lose but a lot go gain by exposing this once and for all.

O

Thanks.

I am about to the point to talk with the OM's wife. I do not like snooping, but suspect my WW has spoken with OM since D Day based on a cell phone bill I got not matching her phone log. Once my youngest daughter goes back to school this evening, I am going to ask her about it.

I agree with you in not discussing with the kids, yet.

Just one other tidbit for folks out there in my situation...A few years ago, I had borderline high blood pressure 140/90ish. I lost about 20 lbs and got it down to 120/80, where it stayed. Yesterday, I checked it at a store and it was 165/105. I know that store bp machines aren't that great, but I will be finding a doctor tomorrow.

Regards,

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: MovedAway ]</small>

Yes,a BP of 165/105 is high assuming the machine was working adequately(who knows) but I am glad you are going to see a doctor for a proper evaluation(I'm an RN) by a professional who can assess your BP in the office setting.Infidelity wreaks havoc on all of us not just emotionally but very much so physically.

Do take care of yourself.Hang it here~Keep us posted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O