This is my first post so I'm really new at this. Today is the second time I found out about the OW (same woman). The first time was on Feb 12th. I ordered and recieve "His Needs, Her Needs", "Love Busters" and then when I discovered the affair "Surving an Affair". I, of course, have read everything and printed the Basic Concepts for my husband, he breezed through it, mainly the Summary. He now explains that the reason he went back to seeing her is that he can't take me breathing done his neck and checking up on him. He expects me to heal and trust him after only a month, I am trying so hard but every day he goes into work it kills me slowly (the OW is there). We live in MN and I'm is desparate need of a good marriage counselor, before I go off the deep end. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

LSherry,

Welcome to Marriage Builders!

I'm so sorry you have found the need to be here but since the need is there, I want to assure you that you will find lots of help here.

Sounds like you have done alot of the "first step" work by reading the site and several of the recommended books. Good! Be sure to check out the links at the top of this forum to get some very useful information.

Counseling would be extremely beneficial for both you and your H. Counseling with the Harley's is available Counseling and Marriage Coaching Center and works wonders according to those that have tried it.

So your H and the OW work together. You already know, by reading the books, that Harley recommends a job change for one of them. Any chance your H or the OW could change jobs? No Contact is VERY important in ending the affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He now explains that the reason he went back to seeing her is that he can't take me breathing done his neck and checking up on him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Total justification! Trying to place the blame for his poor decisions on you! Wrong! IF he wants to save his marriage you shouldn't have to "breath down his neck and check up on him." He should be making his life an open book for you, making sure you have NO REASON to doubt him or wonder what he's doing. NO secrets!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He expects me to heal and trust him after only a month, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's not gonna happen. You will never have the blind trust you probably had originally and you shouldn't. And ANY trust is earned. It doesn't automatically return with some magic "I'm sorry" words. It takes lots of time AND actions to start to trust again.

Is he willing to end the affair? Change jobs, send a NO Contact letter to the OW and work on the marriage?

Stay strong LSherry. You've found a good place to get help from many that have been here before you. Lots of very knowledgable and compassionate people here.

U R in MN? Isn't that where Steve Harley works? Call MB for phone counseling. U m/b one of the few that get t/d it in person! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Here's an update. WS has sent a "No contact" email to OW yesterday AM. He claims he wants to end it and work on our marriage. We have been planning to find jobs and move to AZ, since before I first found out and our house is on the market. When I first discovered the Affair, I found an email which he was telling her that he wasn't going to leave her in MN. Now he's telling me that he still wants to move to AZ, quit his job , and start over once the house sells. He tells me the contact with OW only started back up again on Tuesday (Mar 15th), first he says he loves us both, a later conversation he says he realized that there's nothing there (after the contact again).

My fear is that he is leading me on, I go in for surgery one week from today, I will be out of work for 6 weeks, and he will feel to guilty to not play the game with me right now.

Also, he may be leading me on until the house sells and that will give him the opportunity to be with OW.

I know time well tell, I want to tell him my fears but I'm afraid he'll go running back to her again, that's what he claims pushed last time is that I don't trust him.