My wife and I are about to celebrate / celebrate? our 30th anniversary together. A few months ago she told me that she had an intimate relationship with our family doctor of 15 years. He has since retired from his practice. She told me that it started about 15 years ago after her mother died. She had a doctors appointment with him and he consoled her about her loss. She said he carressed her face and gave her comfort. She continued regular bi-yearly office visits for a medical problem. She told me that he would carress her at the end of her appointments, eventually leading to a kiss. She said she couldn't understand her attraction to him, but she was very much attracted to him. She said he was gentle and kind to her. Eventually, they progressed to making out in his office after her examinations. She said she never saw him outside of his office for more than 10 years. About 5 years ago he told her that he was seperated from his wife of 36 years, had gotten an apartment and asked her to meet him there. She said she told him she would have to think about it. He then scheduled her for a fraudulent appointment one month later so that they might discuss it further. When she returned she told him she would agree to meet him at his apartment. This was the day after our 24th wedding anniversary! He gave her his private phone number and they met for several more fraudulent appointments in his office over the next 3 months. She told me that she needed to be monitored because of a new medication at the time. I had no clue. He was her / our doctor! She said she slept with him 3 times. The first 2 times she was supposed to have doctor appointments. Instead, she said she met him near his apartment and he drove her to it where they had sex. The 3rd time she went out with a friend of hers and drove to his apartment for sex before returning home. Apparently they had arranged this in advance. She said she had decided that this would be their last encounter before she had even arrived. She said she never called him again or met with him for sex again but she did continue to see him as her / our doctor until he retired from his practice 4 years ago. She said that they were never intimate again but I find that rather difficult to believe. Well, I have now known about this for almost 3 months and I still cannot cope with it. We have been married since high school and our 30th wedding anniversary is right around the corner. I do love her and she swears she loves me but I cannot trust her anymore, let alone believe anything she says or does for me. We have both discussed this in depth many times now and we have both cried together about it. I simply don't know if I can make things work out for us at this point. Our communication is now better then it has ever been. Our sex life is now better than it has ever been. But everytime I think I have a handle on this some "trigger" event sends me into a state of anger, confusion and depression. It might be something I see on TV, a spoken phrase, almost anything I can relate to her affair and betrayal. I really think I am losing my mind. I am sure she is getting tired and frustrated with my "triggered" mood swings. We are so close now. Yet, I am also so far away. I don't know what I'll do when our anniversary arrives and I am terrified as to how I will cope with it. I am truly obsessed by this and try and try as I may I can't seems to put it behind me. I have tracked down the doctor, confronted him and put the fear of God into him. I was going to kick his [censored] but when I confronted him but he looked so old and frail that I simply couldn't. Words were all I had for him and I don't feel that was enough. I want to cause him pain. I want him to feel the pain he has inflicted on me and my family. I still can't understand how my wife could have had an affair with him. I guess they just grew old together. He is 18 years older then my wife. I supposed she didn't notice as she began her affair with him when she was 32 and he was 50. But she said she didn't have sex with him until he was 60. He's now 66, elderly and retired. I still hate him for what he has done and want to cause him pain. I'm afraid somehow I will. Time will tell at this point. I really try not to focus on him but there is no escaping it. As for my wife, our realtionship is definitely a roller coaster. I think I may have to end it simply to survive. The pain is too great. He was the only man in this world that I never would have suspected, our doctor.

There's this amazing book called: Whereever you go, there you are. It's actually about meditation, but as far as I'm concerned all the value is in the introduction -- in the first 2 or 3 pages actually.

The basic point of the introduction is this. Whereever you go, there you are. Whatever has happend to you has already happened. And the only important question is now what?

So that's clearly what you need to consider. Now what? Can you let it go? The lady loves you, she is still with you, the past bothers you. Well, whatever has happened to you has already happened. You are not going to change it by obsessing about it.

Now what?

If it were me, I'd consider my options week by week, perhaps day by day. Each week, I'd ask myself: Am I willing to stay with my wife one more week? If the answer is yes, then you have made the decision for that week and need to commit yourself that you are going to put up with your cheating spouse. Now when a trigger comes, you just let it go, because it's YOUR CHOICE that you made to stay. Anyway, it's less than a week and you can always decide to boot her to the curb after your week commitment is over.

Thanks for your input. I agree, the past is the past. It's the letting go part that evades me.
So many of my fondest memories of our life together now seem so jaded. How does one forget? How does one avoid and disassociate the corruption of a betrayal such as this? I really don't want to wollow in this. It's as if I am being pulled into the associations and memories of our past. It's as if my subconscience is always working on this. Though consciously I am somewhere completely else. Then, Wham! A connection occurs and I am back here feeling hurt and betrayed again.

Spyderlust:

I fully understand why you're feeling the way you are. The ultimate trust that a married couple can have has been shattered and not only were you betrayed while it was happening, but also since then. There is no room - absolutely none for secret(s) in any marriage.

You should post over on GQ2 as the MB "heavyhitters" spend most of their time over there. You will get excellent advice and perspective. (Sorry for the threadjack Spyder, however I would be remiss if I didn't respond to Nebe's post.)

FR

Nebe:

I'm sure the book you reference is a good one. However the message of "Wherever you go, there you are" is a bit cavalier for those first dealing with the reality of affair(s). While you are correct in the most literal sense; it's important to keep in mind that emotions are very raw upon discovery of an affair. The suggestion you're making comes across as a bit cold and uncaring. No offense meant, just an observation. Good Luck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FR

"How does one forget?"

You will never forget this. It will have always happened. What you get to choose is what to do about it. Sometimes life gives you a set of bad choices and you must choose the "least worst."

In addition to reexamining and recommitting every so often, I'd also cut back on the booze (if you drink) and spend a good bit of time at the gym. In the end we are all creatures of chemistry and there's nothing like removing depressants and increasing endorphines to better your mood and lift your coping skills.

Finally, realize that you will be OK. Your life will go on and you will be fine. You sound like a smart caring fellow. People like that do just fine in the world. You've got a tough road for a bit. Life's like that unfortunately.

Oh, and sorry to seem cold. I'm so sorry for your circumstance. It hurts a ton and letting go is so hard.

I can tell you from my experience, the triggers are the worst. Fine one moment, a trigger hits and overwelms you with rage and frustration. You feel stuck loving this person, but yet hate the situation you are in. At first the bad days far out numbered the good, now 6 months later the nightmares and triggers are far fewer, and I am happy we are (working on it). Like you mentioned the communication is much better than prior, as well as the respect for each other has improved. Working on the trust is my big focus currently, and that is also improving. Ulimately I see our marriage will be much stronger than before, but it will always have scars.

Try not to make an emotional decision you may regret later.

Spyder,
I can relate so much to what you are saying, especially today after almost no sleep last night. It has been exactly one month for me and I think I am losing my mind. The weirdest things make me think of "them". The OW's husband is a CEO of a national company so every other block I get to see the name of that company blasting me in the face. It is sickening to see a car like hers. Unfortunately, I know her, so I know too many things that remind me. I just never know when wham! out of the blue, I go from being okay to a basket case. At least now, my kids know, so if I do fall apart they know why.....how sad is that. My H is working very hard on doing all the right things, but I keep thinking,,,,,,is my future going to be like this?? Always reminded of the affair. Right now, I am just taking it a day at a time, but I just want to know if I will ever feel better! I am so sorry for your pain,,,,, I FEEEEEEL it, there are so many wonderful people on this site,,,,I just do not know what I would do without this place right now. My story is on the "just found out" page....titled What can I expect....in case you want to hear my sick story!! Ha, ha!! God Bless and hang in there.

Spyderlust,

Welcome to MB. I would like to suggest that you read the articles on this site, and perhaps get the Book Surviving an Affair by Harley. There are a few other books highly recommended but I have not read them. I think you need to recognize that what you are going through is very very common. So don't worry so much about how you feel.

There are a few things to address but to do it properly we need to know a bit more about this story.

1. Are there children involved?

2. Why did your W confess this to you?

3. Can or has she offered any explanation for her choices?

4. What measures has she taken to suggest that she has learned from this and will NOW protect you and your marriage?

5. Are you two in counseling? If not perhaps you should consider it.

There are a few things that you need to understand. First that this was HER choice. She made the decisions and nothing you did or did not do brought you into the decision process. However, having said this, what was the condition of the marriage: benign neglect, comfortable acceptance of one another, busy with little time for one another? What was it?

Are there things you could do to make the marriage better? If so what do you think they are?

Spyderlust, you cannot change your W, but you can change your perspectives on things and that often causes the spouse to reevaluate their position and perhaps change.

We can talk in more detail once we know a bit more about your marriage and what is going on now.

Hang in there, you can survive this, but it does take time and you are only a few months out, so your feelings are pretty normal. I would strongly urge you to set a few time points for evaluation before action. One might be about 6 months out and then a year out. Don't make any decisions before those points come up. You have a lot of healing to do and it takes time.

I look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nebe
Member # 41819 - posted March 21, 2005 02:10 PM "How does one forget? You will never forget this." It hurts a ton and letting go is so hard. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yea, it's the letting go. I guess I am not ready for that. I know it's the direction to go for healing and getting past this. But I guess understanding this is more important to me at the moment. I need to find my direction.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ihaveher
Member # 38480 - posted March 21, 2005 02:34 PM I can tell you from my experience, the triggers are the worst. Fine one moment, a trigger hits and overwelms you with rage and frustration. You feel stuck loving this person, but yet hate the situation you are in.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely right-on-the-money. I'm happy for your success thus far. I can only hope to be as fortunate. They say "Time heals all wounds". I guess time will tell.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ItHurtzSoBad
Member # 41608 - posted March 21, 2005 03:39 PM
My H is working very hard on doing all the right things, but I keep thinking,,,,,,is my future going to be like this?? Always reminded of the affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W is also trying to do all the right things. Like you, I keep thinking .....
Good luck. I hope you survive and find happiness.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ust Learning
Member # 2984 - posted March 21, 2005 03:42 PM
Spyderlust, you cannot change your W, but you can change your perspectives on things and that often causes the spouse to reevaluate their position and perhaps change.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since she has told me of the affair she has changed as have I. She definitely wants us to survive this as I do. She has had a serious drinking problem for years. She hasn't slipped since confessing to me. She has been an angel, my best friend again and an overall better person. My fear? This is all temporary until she feels comfortable that I will remain with her and get beyond this. I have privately considered leaving her many times over the years because of her drinking problem. I stayed with her because I rationalized "Well, she has been faithful to me for nearly 30 years. I do and have always loved her. We have been together since we were kids. I guess I was willing to pay the price of her alchohalism because when she was sober (most of the time) I felt that she really was my woman."
The equation is different now. And I fear it is tilting the wrong way. I don't know if I can trust what she is offering now as what will always be, who she will or wants to be for me. I have lost trust and I don't know if I will find it again. Time is the only road to finding out and I don't know how long I can travel with this load.

"Time is the only road to finding out and I don't know how long I can travel with this load."

You will be OK no matter how this comes out.

Hello spyderlust,

I am sorry about your situation.It's bad enough to be betrayed by your spouse but then also a trusted Family Physician and friend.We have had several people here who not only had to deal with the cheating of a spouse but the OP was a friend or even a best friend.Very, very sad and painful.If the Phsyician OM was still practicing he could be disbarred(misconduct) for sure but that's irrelevant now I suppose.

Listen,now is not time to be "letting it go" or "getting over" this.Far from it.I think the usual reaction in the beginning is to draw the Infidelity right up close and inspect it with a magnifying glass.It will take a long time to be able to stop evaluating what happened so fully.Time doesn't heal all wounds because there will always be a scar there from the trauma you went through.The "time will heal all wounds" phrase makes it sound as though you will one day be back to the old person you were before the trauma.You are not.You are forever changed.

Your trust in your WW will have to be rebuilt,strand by strand,brick by brick over time and by her actions toward you.That is the biggest hurdle I think to get over and build upon again.If you both want to survive and keep this marriage,you have to have safeguards in place to prevent it from happening again.The death of a loved one is a common preceeding event to those who decide to cheat.They inappropriately latch onto another for their comfort instead of their spouse.Your WW has a lot of work to do to recognize this behavior pattern and how to keep from falling into the trap of Infideltiy again.And not only that but her alcohol problem must be eradicated for good.

Also,be aware that contact with the OM must have ended forever.Still be cognizant of any questionable behavior from your WW.You cannot trust her still,not yet.It's too soon.

Do you have a PLAN? Are you in counseling?

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Octobergirl
Member # 31288 - posted March 22, 2005 11:31 AM
The death of a loved one is a common preceeding event to those who decide to cheat.They inappropriately latch onto another for their comfort instead of their spouse.Your WW has a lot of work to do to recognize this behavior pattern and how to keep from falling into the trap of Infideltiy again.And not only that but her alcohol problem must be eradicated for good.

Also,be aware that contact with the OM must have ended forever.Still be cognizant of any questionable behavior from your WW.You cannot trust her still,not yet.It's too soon.

Do you have a PLAN? Are you in counseling?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She definitely latched onto another for comfort. And he (OM) definitely played it to his advantage.

I'm not done with him yet. His wife and family will be informed. I failed to mention that I set him up before I tracked him down and confronted him. I mailed him a letter I wrote pretending to be my wife. I gave him my cell phone number (he thought it was hers)and made it clear to him that my wife was interested in picking up where they had left off. I seduced him using my wife's identity and told him to call me(her)to set up a rendesvous. He took the bait and called my cell several times. I never answered. I let him leave voice mail messeges. He left several (which I had recorded) in which he incriminated himself for their past indiscretions and his current interest in being with her. I think he'll probably **it himself when he listens to himself caught in the act. I'm fairly certain his wife will play the CD for him when she receives it. Justice . I am only sorry his wife will be hurt. But I do think she deserves to know her husband.

Regarding my wife's alcohol problem, the issue has been addressed she she is quite aware that it will no longer be tolerated. She is walking on egg shells. She knows it is a deal breaker. Again, time will tell. So far, so good. But I must admit, I do expect a lapse down the road. I know it is the toughest behavioral change I am demanding of her and she is trying. She knows how important this is to me and our survival. So far, I am impressed.

And no. I don't trust her ... yet, if ever. I hope someday I might again.

Counseling? This is it. I'm not very interested in dealing with any kind of mental or medical professionals at this point. Maybe you can understand why.

Anyway, thanks for your input. It's appreciated.

Just a quick note:
I continued this thread under subject line (The Ultimate Betrayal Update) within (Just found out....) due to bugs during the transition to the new board. I'll be posting from there from now on.

Spyderlust - You know, we all understand the craziness that descends upon someone when an affair is first exposed. It's like an emotional "nuclear bomb." So I, for one, am cutting you some "slack" right now because your quotation above pretty much sums up the futility of offering you any advice at this point.

One word of caution though as you are waiting to reach the point where you decide whether or not to fight for your marriage or to throw in the towel and end it.....be VERY cautious of accepting any advice from posters who are new to the system or display very few post counts. They lack the experience of having gone THROUGH the stages, the tough battles, the rollercoaster-like process of recovery. In most cases they are giving advice without the experience and are simply reacting emotionally to their own situation and "identifying" with your pain and struggle.

Also, you need to let us know what part faith plays in your life and the life of your wife. That will let us know whether or not to talk with you about faith-based things.

Lastly, if you do want some more frequent responses, and perhaps more experienced responses, try posting on the General Questions II and/or Recovery forums.

Spyderlust, it IS hard and the emotional turmoil, feelings of wanting revenge, etc., that you are feeling is a normal post-discovery reaction. But you have to "take control of your emoitons" and NOT let them control your actions. To allow your emotions to "choose" how you behave is pretty much the same thing that WS's do to "justify" their incorrect behavior. The old discarded 60's philosophy of "If it feels good, do it!" is the problem you are facing here. It was just a "justification" to allow feelings to control actions and to make it seem that sex without the commitment of marriage was "okay."

God bless.