Here is my story. I found out 2 months ago my husband was having a “e-mail relationship” if that’s the right word, with a out of state co-worker for about 6 months. We had been having sex problems, partly my fault, partly his. I always loved him, but he felt because we were not having much sex anymore and lack of affection on my part, that I hated him and was pushing him away. NOT TRUE. We have two children, 4 & 6, both boys, I work a full-time job, and a part-time job and truthfully, I was just tired all the time. Nothing on his part really made me not want to have sex, I just didn’t.

So he started flirting casually with a female co-worker, she with him also. They had met each other once; on a business trip he took to the company headquarters and they e-mailed each other regularly for work. She’s was just divorcing and dating someone else. She would ask his advice on men, he asked her advice on how to deal with me. Then, she sent him explicit details about one night her and boyfriend had sex. Then a month or so later he asked her if she had ever had thoughts about him, she said yes, so he wanted her to send them to him. She sent him a “fantasy” about what could have been the night they met, if he had been bolder. He then sent her one re: his “fantasy” about her. Needless to say, I was shocked. He told me at first it was only fun, playful flirting that did not mean anything to him. That he only made the fantasy up. That even though he hid this from me, he did not feel it was wrong, at the time. Then he said that she made him feel good. That he had really thought about what it would be like to hook up with her. That he wasn’t 100% sure he would not have had a one-night stand.

I know he did not physically have sex with her, but I feel like he might as well have. I felt like my heart was literally torn out of my chest. I hate him now, for making me feel this way, but somehow I seem to love him more. I don’t get. He always swore he would never cheat on me. But I consider this cheating and he does not. He knows it was wrong, but doesn’t feel like it should be this bad. I cannot stop thinking about this. I really need some good advice. There is no way i want this relationship to end, but i cannot stop thinking about this. I also found out a few other things he had been keeping from me, but won't go into them at this time. Am I crazy for feeling like he cheated on me? Is this something that's ok for spouses to do?

Dear Elly6,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here, but you are in the best place & the good folks here will help you.

First, an Emotional Affair is JUST as bad as a Physical Affair. Period. Ask you H: If you did this, would he be OK with it? I'm pretty sure we both know the answer to that!

My H had a EA, which grew into a PA, but after it broke off, he relapsed with e-mail contact. When I found out, he refused, at first, to believe/acknowledge that it was an EA resuming, insisting e-mails didn't count. I had a real hard time getting it through his head, but, with help from MB, he finally got it.

You have taken a big step, acknowledging your responsibility in contributing to the state of your M, that made it vulnerable to an A. Part of your job, in the months to come, is to rebuild the fun, loving relationship you had, to "Affair-Proof" your M.

My advice: Read everything on this site. Buy the books - HNHN, SAA, all of the Harley books are very helpful. Read others' posts/stories. They will give you a lot of insight.

Your H is in the Fog right now. He needs your help. You CAN fix this and work it out, and even have a M better than before.

Good luck and blessings.
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me-50-FBS FWH-44 M-20 yrs 3 great kids
EA/PA-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 Fog/WD/e-contact-5//04-9/04 NCltr-9/3/04
In recovery with God's help