My husband and I will be married 4 years April 2005. All throughout our marriage we had problems...porn was the first and he never fully stopped that. But all along he was emotionally unavailable... and that was the hardest thing for me. How do you cope with marrying somebody that just ignores you and fails to engage you in a relationship when you are MARRIED to them?? (He, OF COURSE was NOT like that before I married...I didn't see it coming.)

To make a LONG story shorter:

He just separated from the Air Forcec in CA and got a better paying job in VA...intially we were separating I was going to come and stay with family in GA. I did for a few weeks but he begged me to come with him.

He said things I have wanted him to say and mean for years...this went on December and January. So, I reluctantly went...I told him that I was scared and didn't want to be hurt. I thought that after all we had been through he wouldn't say everything he was saying to me and not mean it...I thought that he was sincere. -That he wanted his marriage to work.

I go up and find a townhouse, get everything set up for our new life...start looking into schools, ballet class for my 3 year old daughter...start to get settled and use to the area. (We had been out of our house for 3 1/2 months.) And I was just glad to have a place to call our own again...especailly for our daughter.

Not two weeks after we got our furniture, a month after being in the townhouse, 6 weeks at his job, we have an argument in which he tells me he's done and it shouldn't be a surprise because we have had problems for fours years.

Shortly after, I find out about a woman at work that he has been talking with....the REAL reason why he is "DONE"...

I pleaded with him for our marriage...our daughter...our family and no matter what I said it did NOT matter. He was smug, arrogant nad emotionless... "I'm done..nothing you say is going to change that." He eventually told me to get the "F" out after a conversation with his mother...(which is a whole other story...she was suppose to be calling and asking him to work on his marriage and leave this other girl alone. Instead she gave him a name to a lawyer and only made things worse).

It was a living walking hell for me for almost two weeks...after the conversation with his mother I left and drove home...two day drive in the snow and rain...That was four days ago and now I am trying to pick my life back up...

And I am still in shock...and a mess.

Should I have stayed??....and let the affair play out?? Did I do the wrong thing by leaving??

I cannot understand how he could just stop carrying about his family...in a few short weeks. I cannot comprhend it...it is SO wrong and he doesn't care....he's just pursuing her like we don't exist.

Anyone's advice or words of wisdom and prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks & God Bless!

Alizamarie,

I don't think that what you did was the wrong thing. Yes, there were other things that you could have done but it is your choice to do what you feel is right for you and your daughter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But all along he was emotionally unavailable... and that was the hardest thing for me. How do you cope with marrying somebody that just ignores you and fails to engage you in a relationship when you are MARRIED to them?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a very painful way to live and that was before another woman entered the picture. If he hasn't been emotionally available for you for most of your marriage and now he is saying that he wants out, get out. Why should you not be the center of someone's world? Why should you not feel connected and loved? Staying with him will only damage you emotionally.

I lived most of my marriage in your shoes. I know what it does to you. My husband has changed and is now trying to be emotionally "in", but I put 20 years into the relationship to get where I am. If I would have left years ago, maybe he would have changed earlier and the damage would have been lesser. Or I could have found someone that could have loved me all along. As it was, my husband didn't realize the depth of his love for me until he was able to see what damage he had done to me, until I had nothing left in me. Now, I have to try and rebuild myself and he has to watch knowing he is responsible for the destruction.

Take care of yourself and your daughter. If your husband has a change of heart and it is true, then you can decide whether to go back or not, on your own terms. Sometimes, those emotionally cold individuals never learn to feel and if your husband is one of those then you don't want to put yourself through that, do you?

My best advice is to listen to your gut, it will tell you what path you need to follow. I have learned the last several years that mine is rarely wrong.

Cathy

Hello alizamarie,

Welcome to MB.

If you would like a chance to save your marriage we can help but it's always the decision of the person who comes here whether or not they want to.That will be up to you.

Your WH was emotionally unavailable to you,I think,because of this porn problem and perhaps other issues.I would bet that your WH had porn issues before you got married but he just hid it so it would not raise flags for you and maybe have you call off the Wedding and end the relationship.It is very difficult to FEEL for someone when you are mixed up emotionally in very inappropriate behavior and porn is such a sleazy, scourge of society,I wish it would evaporate but it won't unfortunately.

Well,if you choose to try and work things out,then read up on Plan A and what that means,read all the concepts here and get some of the recommended reading from our online bookstore.Do not beg or plead for your marriage but do try to implement some of the suggestions here.Your WH was particularly cruel with his foul language but it sounds as though he has been abducted into the alien world of Infidelity,as we like to state here at MB,and so he will not act like a loving, caring father or husband.

Next,I would find out of this other woman(OW) is married or has a boyfirned and if so,tell him about what is going on.This is called exposure and will help shine a bright light on the fantasy and secrecy of the A.Do you know how long he might have been in contact with this OW at work?

Do you own or rent the townhouse? If you jointly own then you have every right to be there.But you also have to contend with the fact that you can't do much about your marriage if you are far away.It's best to be together to work things out even though there is no guarantee.

When you say you are back home,where is that? GA?

If you want to try and work this out you do need to be back home.Your WH will only want you to be out of the way to continue his A and I won't lie,this will be difficult for you but again,it's up to you if you want to try and save the marriage.

Please take care of you and your little girl too.That's a priority and if for some reason you think it's truly unsafe to be living with your WH now,then don't.

Ok,so let's recap what the plan is assuming you want to work this out:

1) Read up on all the concepts here at MB,espeically Plan A.

2) Get some recommended reading to help understand the nature of A's and other issues."NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is also an excellent book.

3) Get into counseling alone or with your WH,if he'll agree(probably not at this stage).You need professional help with a PRO marriage counselor.I went alone in the beginnig just because I was in so much pain and confusion.It helped to talk to someone about what I was going through in addition to being here.

4) Exposure.Expose this A to any H or BF the OW has.You have already told your WH's family and I am sorry they are acting like fools but you won't want them in your corner then anyway with an attitude like they have.Even though what your WH is doing is so wrong on so many levels,some parents just do not want to face that and rock the boat any further so they support their son/daughter in whatever they are doing.A lot of us here do not agree with that.It's wrong too.Don't contact them again unless it's to tell them that you would appreciate their support because you love your H and want to save your marriage and family.If they still don't get a clue how destructive this is for their GRANDCHILD let alone everyone else,IMO,cut them off.We will also help you with exposure of the two of them at work if that is necessary.

5) Take care of you and your child.You both matter very much.Make sure you are eating enough and getting sleep to endure this terrible trauma.If you are not functioning well,talk to your doctor about AD's(antidperessants).They can help and have helped many of us here including myself.

6) Consider moving back home to be closer to your WH and to try and manage this.

Does this help so far? I don't want to overwhelm you but there is a lot to cover.Take some time and read other posts to see how the board is run.Take a look at the GQII(General Questions) board too.

Stick with us,we're here for you~

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

OctoberGirl...thanks for your reply...

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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you say you are back home,where is that? GA?</font></li>

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Yes, I am back in Georgia with family at the moment. And unfortunately my MIL is 2 1/2 hours away...
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you own or rent the townhouse?</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We rent the townhouse...I'm on the lease as well.

I am devastated...not only did I find out about the OW...this was on the heels of my husband pleading with me to come up to VA with him I truely thought he wanted us to be a family....on the heel of a across country move...we moved from CA...and then he basically kicked my daughter and I out. -To be with this other woman....and the majority of this occured in just two months.

I do not feel that I can go back....

A week ago Monday his mother called me on her lunch break seemingly sympathetic and in "disbelief" too...she told me that she heard many of the conversations that my husband had with me and couldn't believe how he could change his mind....it didn't make sense. Anyway, at the time it was a nice surprise. She told me that she was going to call and talk to him that night...to see if she could get through to him.

When she did call it was more of a "Watch your a** phone call"...I heard his end of it...he keep getting more and more pissed as the call went on...and she gave him the number to a lawyer.

That's when he got off the phone and told me to get the "f" out...I was afraid. He had been mean, cold and distant...just really rude....like he didn't want anything to do with me and I couldn't get out fast enough so things were bad enough already. -Before his mother's phone call.

After all that, I thought that I was in a Twight Light Zone...literally. I could not believe the conversation that I had with his mother earlier that day...and what she told him when she called. He said that I was calling and manipulating his family?!?.(I do not manipulate...not in my character) ...and HE was telling her "SEE what I have to put up with?" I felt like I was going crazy. I told him some of the things that she had talk with me about (in the earlier call) and he called her back and she completely denied it??!?

I was shaking for 45 minutes after all of this...I just couldn't believe it and I was freaked out by all it.

I have never been treated so badly in all my life. My heart is broken...I was trying to make my marriage work and put everything behind us by going up to Virginia. I never thought that this would ever be the outcome.

I love him but between his emotional unavailablity, women, porn, mother interfering, and the way he has treated me what would I be fighting for?? More pain?

All of it is SO incomprehensible...

AlizaMArie

I love him but between his emotional unavailablity, women, porn, mother interfering, and the way he has treated me what would I be fighting for?? More pain?

All of it is SO incomprehensible...
It sounds like you know what you need to do already. Sometimes trusting your own gut is the best and of course you need to take care of your daughter.I'm so sorry what you are going through. I just found out about my own husbands A and it really hurt. But he's willing to make things work and not pursue his A when he returns to the states. But his family on the contrary doesnt believe I should give him a chance. I have two children between us to think about also.
Keep strong which ever way you choose, it will be painful.