I an new here. Sorry folks, this is a long one. Background:
My H & I have known each other for about 12 yrs. We didn't get together until about 1 1/2 years ago. Whirlwind, we went on a date and 6 months later we were married. I realize the bliss of new marriage doesn't last forever, but does it have to end so quickly?
The day before Thanksgiving I got off work early and came home to surprise him. I was the one who was surprised. I came home to him passed out on the sofa, so I sat down at the computer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> WHAT?! I found an IM from an old girlfriend. She asked what he was doing for Thanksgiving. His reply to her was "me and umm..a friend are going to my parents." A FRIEND?!! I am his wife,not umm...a friend. I am normally not a snooper, but I looked at his email. Not proud, but I did it. To my dismay there were several explicit emails between him and another woman. I flipped. He swore he would stop. He claimed to have changed his password to a bunch of crazy letters and wanted to go to counceling (his suggestion). We went to 1 joint session and he said he went to a couple of solo sessions, but I found out later that he didn't go. After waking up several times in the middle of the night to an empty house, I felt even more alienated from him. The distrust began to fade, and then I listened to his voicemail one day. There was a very explicit voicemail from a woman. Just when I had started to trust him...POOF..it was gone. I kicked him out. After about 6 wks, we decided we wanted to make this work. So he moved back in.
2 weeks ago:
I am sitting here thinking everything is getting better and...WHAM...I found more emails. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (I clicked on a link in the address bar on the computer and it was his inbox. I really didn't mean to get there. I was trying to go to the web browser to open my email and clicked on the wrong line). Again, to my dismay I found emails. Only this time it was instructions to her house, her phone number, small talk and snapshots of her vagina! There are hundreds of emails. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I responded to her last email (not very smart) and told her he was married. She sent back a nasty message about what they had done that night while I was out with my friends. Then sent another message apologizing for getting involved with him, she didn't know he was married. She seems very emotionally involved with him. He called the same night from a pay phone and to see if I was home, blah, blah. I told him maybe he should talk to his new friend (the email woman). I forwarded all of the emails to myself. He of course denied being at her house. Here is the best part. She has his wallet. I did email her to ask her for a description of the wallet. She confirmed it was his. He has been to about 5 solo counceling sessions, and "came clean". He has told me that he reported the wallet as lost or stolen and said today he would bring me a copy of the police report.
Today:
I got home 3 1/2 hours ago to an empty house, no note, nothing. He called me about an 1 1/2 hrs ago to say he was on his way home...FROM WHERE? Don't know....and he still isn't home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> It makes me wonder where he has really been and where he is now. I just don't know what to think. I know he loves me, but geez, this is crazy. He is actually the one that found this website and suggested we sign up and take some of the quizzes. I feel so torn. I don't trust him, he has burned me twice. I think we both want this to work, but I am lost. I don't feel completely comfortable with him. It makes me very sad, because I really love him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I want to trust him. You teach people how to treat you. He has taught me not to trust him. I am not sure where to go from here. Any thoughts or suggestions?
Thanks in advance
Imyursister

Dea IM,

So sorry about this mess! But, welcome. You will find help here.

Could you counsel with the Harleys? They are expensive, but supposed to be the best. You'd also know that your H was keeping the appointments.

Your H sounds to be very addicted to the A. This is very common. The WS loses all reason to feed the addiction of the A. Poor comfort, but it's not about you, it's not even about the OW, it's about him.

You can't control what he does; you can only control yourself. Take care of yourself. I am in no way suggesting a D, kicking him out, any of that. I am saying do a Plan A, take care of yourself, set boundaries, be super-firm about the boundaries. But...all of this is done with love, not anger. Save the anger for us.

Oh, and it's called 'checking', not 'snooping'. There's nothing wrong with it; there should be NO secrets in a M, and right now your H does not deserve trust. Love is given; trust is earned. He has to earn back the trust he shattered; it will take a loooong time.

Your H is an addict right now. It is worse than heroin. But...he CAN kick it, with help; help from you, from counseling, from God.

Best of luck, and blessings.
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me-FBS-50 FWH-44 M-20yrs 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD/Fog-5/04-9/04 NCltr9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help

Hello iys,

Welcome to MB.I am sorry you are here due to the actions of your WH.

Since you have been dealing with this since last November,you should have some time frames as to what you want to get accomplished and if they are not, what is the plan.Basically your WH has been back and forth with his wavering "committment" to you and is doesn't sound like he's learned anything or is truly willing to stop his bad behavior.

And,I am not sure why your WH would report his wallet stolen or lost if you both know that the homewrecking OW has it.I would have pressured her to return it by mail or have YOU pick it up.

If your WH is going to continue to keep coming and going at will and paying these games of cheating and then offering a tid bit of appeasement then the time for a Plan B is ripe very soon.Read up on the concept here and then consider coming over to the GQII board for help with the PBL(plan b letter) and the drafting when the time is right.Do you think you did any Plan A type of behavior with him since last November?

Your WH is either IN or OUT with this marriage.He either STICKS to counseling and NO contact or he is out.My WH also found this website for us a couple month after the adultery came out.Do you think he has fully utilized this place at all? NOPE.I have been here almost every day for 17 months now.We also did the ENQ(Emotional Needs Questionanaire).But,I am almost divorced.

Watch his ACTIONS ok? Do not trust his word.He is untrustworthy .

Also,expose the A.If this OW has a husband or boyfriend,you should make sure that the news of all this is told.

O

Thanks for your comments. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He said the A was an ego boost because I was not being affectionate enough. I was very affectionate unitl I got burned the first time. I was starting to feel that way again, until I got blasted a 2nd time. I also told him, it was his choice to be unfaithful, that he had no one to blame but himself. He could and should have voiced his concerns to me. That would have been a lot easier than this mess. We have both filled out our emotional needs questionnaire, but have not reviewed them. I printed a Plan A and B article the other day, but have not read it yet. When he got home last night (finally) he played this card that he was trying to give me some "alone time". I had told him a couple of weeks ago that sometimes I need and hour or 2 to myself. He took it as I don't want him to ever be here when I get home. WHAT?! I am not sure why he would take it that way. I kinda don't even remember the comment. I guess I didn't think it was a huge deal. Anyway, last night he was being really pissy and finally told me his goal was to mean to me and show me what is was like to be alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> He said I hurt his feelings when I said sometimes I need time alone. Nevermind that is a childish and only makes things worse. I don't want to play stupid mind games. I didn't mean that I never want him to be here when I got home. That isn't what I asked for. I told him he was making assumptions about what I meant by my comment. That isn't fair. As far as the wallet goes, I asked the OW to drop off the wallet at a designated location and she got pissy and said she would ONLY give the wallet to him. I don't want to meet her. She sounds kind of unstable to me. I also didn't know where to tell her to mail it. I don't want to give her our address or one of our friends. That is why we decided to report the wallet as lost or stolen. I will definately check out GQII board. Thanks again for being supportive. I feel so emotionally spent right now. I have a lot of change going on at work right now and need our home to be a place to unwind. Right now I kinda feel like work is a place for me to unwind because when I am there I know what is going on. I am very frustrated and feeling out of sorts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Imyursister

Hi IM,
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""As far as the wallet goes, I asked the OW to drop off the wallet at a designated location and she got pissy and said she would ONLY give the wallet to him. I don't want to meet her. She sounds kind of unstable to me. I also didn't know where to tell her to mail it. I don't want to give her our address or one of our friends.
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Forget about the wallet. It WAS lost. Better to get all new documents - credit cards, license, than to give this OW the satisfaction of seeing your H one more time. You can't even be sure she'll bring it as promised. Let it go. This is just pure manipulation.

Good luck and blessings.

<small>[ March 23, 2005, 08:54 AM: Message edited by: afterall ]</small>