I always had the doubt in my head but he finally told me the truth. My husband left overseas a few months ago. Before he left he had a friend who always called him and yet his response"work related" Sure, I finally asked for a divorce, deep inside I always knew my suspicions were true. And it was! She came to my home, met my children and yet took advantage of a situation, which he is very much to blame. He swears he never meant to hurt me but because he thought he was never coming back, he did it anyways? He blames himself, claimed to kill himself and not return. For the circumstances, I said I forgave him. He said he flirty personality gets him in trouble but doesnt know why he crosses the line. What am I supposed to do? I dont know if there can be something to be saved. I questioned why? He didnt have an answer. Was it me? "No". He blames his parents for raising him in a childhood of watching his father have his external affairs and mother willing to look the other way. It still doesnt make it right. He says he's willing to do anything to make things work. i honestly dont think he's capable. For those who have lived this Any suggestions? I adore that man and am willing to make a life with him and our kids, but I'm afraid.

"I always had the doubt in my head but he finally told me the truth."

What were the red flags? What was he saying or doing that raised your doubts?

"My husband left overseas a few months ago."

How long will he be gone?

"Before he left he had a friend who always called him and yet his response"work related" Sure,"

Have you read the book 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass? If you decide to try to work things out with your husband, it would be helpful if the two of you read and discussed this book. It deals with emotional affairs, many of which start in the workplace with so-called harmless conversation, going out to lunch, etc.

"I finally asked for a divorce, deep inside I always knew my suspicions were true."

You asked for a divorce because he would not stop contact with this woman, under the pretense that the contact was work-related, right? Did you ask him to stop contact with her but he refused? Did you ask him to verify that their contact was innocent but he refused to do so, leaving you to worry? Or did you find some evidence that their contact was not just work-related?

"And it was! She came to my home, met my children and yet took advantage of a situation, which he is very much to blame."

Do you mean she came to your home and confronted you? Or confessed? Or did she come to meet you and the children out of some sordid curiousity? What did she do? Amazing how nervy some OW can be!

"He swears he never meant to hurt me but because he thought he was never coming back, he did it anyways?"

So I guess he felt it was OK if you never found out? And he thought he wasn't coming back so it woudl be OK?

"He blames himself,"

At least he isn't trying to pretend it was your fault. Hopefully he's not doing the pretend the OW is totally innocent routine though...

"claimed to kill himself and not return."

What?

"For the circumstances, I said I forgave him."

?

"He said he flirty personality gets him in trouble"

Then why doesn't he stop flirting?

"but doesnt know why he crosses the line."

He doesn't even know where the line is IMHO - it's when he starts flirting.

"What am I supposed to do? I dont know if there can be something to be saved."

There are ways to determine whether or not the marriage can be saved. Are you interested in trying to save your marriage?

"I questioned why? He didnt have an answer."

If he doesn't make it his responsibility to find the answer(s) then the marriage can't be saved.

"Was it me? "No"."

Again, this is a good thing, that he isn't trying to blame you. However, since you didn't cause it you aren't able to single-handedly prevent it from happening again. He will need to prove to you that he has changed and that he won't stray again.

On the other hand, there still may be something you can do to improve the marriage, to make it less vulnerable to adultery. Check out the info this site offers about meeting emotional needs. This is not to say that you are in any way responsible for the adultery that your WH (Wayward Husband) and the OW (Other Woman) CHOSE to indulge in.

"He blames his parents for raising him in a childhood of watching his father have his external affairs and mother willing to look the other way."

SO: He KNEW how his past may have increased his chances of becoming an adulterer himself...
Therefore he chose to use that as an excuse instead of employing caution or counseling to overcome his past?

"It still doesnt make it right."

Nope - it doesn't. IMHO it would be pretty darn difficult to find a married person who didn't have some sort of excuse to commit adultery, either something from their past or present. None of us have perfect lives.

"He says he's willing to do anything to make things work."

IMHO you shouldn't pay much attention to what he says he's willing to do. Tell him to get busy doing it and see if he actually makes any changes.

"i honestly dont think he's capable."

At this point you shouldn't be expected to trust him. He needs to prove himself trustworthy and capable.

"For those who have lived this Any suggestions?"

Have you read about Plan A?
Is he willing to stop all contact with the OW?
(If not you should consider a Plan B after trying Plan A for a few months.)

"I adore that man and am willing to make a life with him and our kids, but I'm afraid."

You SHOULD be afraid. If he doesn't make a firm committment to get the help he needs and to make the changes to protect your marriage from affairs, then IMHO your adoration of him could be as dangerous as a drug addiction.

What were the red flags? What was he saying or doing that raised your doubts?

My WH meet the OW in his Army reserve unit for about 3yrs ago and he told me of the women there in his unit.I never suspected anything back then. But,in 04. My WH has a second job I dont approve of let's call him a "street pharmasist". Which the OW would buy from him and called her a business woman like him.Just before he recived his orders, I opened up our cellphone bill which was enormous and I noticed the "same number" , repeatedly, calls in and out and text messg. I confronted him and of course his response business. I rammped and raved and he swore there was nothing there. He's been gone since Dec and gave me his email password, to set up his addresses. Well, I found the OW first name and his last name, as an entry. Of, course I was pissed and kept looking. I found an email to her, simple "whats up babe". Then, I found an email from an EX before we were married, requesting to see him when he returned. I was furious and could'n hold it in any longer. I told him I knew the truth and quit the lying. And he broke down and said yes, the week before he left he slept with the OW at the hotel he stayed at but they decided it would only be a "one time thing" How convenient.


How long will he be gone?
He will return for 2 weeks in Aug of 05 and hopefully sometime end of this year or begining of 06.


You asked for a divorce because he would not stop contact with this woman, under the pretense that the contact was work-related, right? Did you ask him to stop contact with her but he refused? Did you ask him to verify that their contact was innocent but he refused to do so, leaving you to worry? Or did you find some evidence that their contact was not just work-related?

Damn, right I asked him to stop contact with her. The OW is still in states and doesnt live far from here 1hr drive.So, she isnt near him for now. He admitted to everything once I told him I had enough.
He says there will be nothing to pursue with the OW and is willing to move, when he returns.


Do you mean she came to your home and confronted you? Or confessed? Or did she come to meet you and the children out of some sordid curiousity? What did she do? Amazing how nervy some OW can be!

The OW came by to buy some merchandise and my WH introduced us and my children just happen to be outside when she came. He swears there was nothing going on then.


So I guess he felt it was OK if you never found out? And he thought he wasn't coming back so it woudl be OK?

I hoped I never would find out because his intentions where not to hurt me. But if he didnt want to why did he? We had just found out we were expecting our 3rd child!


Hopefully he's not doing the pretend the OW is totally innocent routine though...

He wont talk about her and says it was his mistake to begin with, so I guess he is.

"claimed to kill himself and not return."

He believes his destiny is to die at war and tried turning things on me saying, men like him dont deserve to be in this world.He should of respected me for the loving wife I have been.
I honestly, didnt forgive him. He's still the father of my children and for their sake I hope he does return. I dont want him to go out and intentionally risk his life to kill himself.


Then why doesn't he stop flirting?

He has always been the flirting type and it always seemed childish but yet funny. I always let him know when it was out of hand and he calmed down, so I thought.


Are you interested in trying to save your marriage?

I really do want to save our marriage and he says he want to make thing work and change for the better.


If he doesn't make it his responsibility to find the answer(s) then the marriage can't be saved.

i guess, your right

However, since you didn't cause it you aren't able to single-handedly prevent it from happening again. He will need to prove to you that he has changed and that he won't stray again.


SO: He KNEW how his past may have increased his chances of becoming an adulterer himself...
Therefore he chose to use that as an excuse instead of employing caution or counseling to overcome his past?

I believe there is'nt an excuse because he never approved of what his father did to his mother, either. Why should he put our children in the same situation.


IMHO you shouldn't pay much attention to what he says he's willing to do. Tell him to get busy doing it and see if he actually makes any changes.

For now I guess I have to wait and see when he returns. We've been trying to keep our relationship alive while we're apart, which is very difficult as it is. Email, phone conversations, he even requested nude pictures of me, to fulfill his needs. We've had awesome phone sex sessions, too.

He needs to prove himself trustworthy and capable.

He says he's going to prove it and wants us to start over, just like when we first dated and regain my trust.

I shouldnt trust him, I know but I'm afraid I'd pushing away because of the doubt. I have been known to throw his past mistakes in his face. How can I overcome that?

Dear Shouldi,

So sorry for the mess you're in. Welcome to MB.

One of the things I've learned from this awful journey is to develop problem-solving skills. And one of them is to step back, as if the problem is not happening to you (which is very hard), and examine it objectively, and to create a strategy.

You've already gotten started by coming to MB. So, good for you.

Your statements re your H's 'second job' are a red flag.
__________________________________________________
""My WH has a second job I dont approve of let's call him a "street pharmasist".""
_________________________________________________

I do not know how you are ever going to fix your problems as long as your H is mixed up in this. Without going into detail, this sounds very illegal - and dangerous.

For Heaven's sake, you've got children!! Think about their safety!

For their safety alone, if your H is mixed up in something illegal, I really think you've got to tell him to make a choice - this 'job' or his family. The experts here are usually against ultimatums, but if this is what it seems to be, I am sure they'd agree, make him choose.

Good luck and blessings. Praying for you.
------------------------------------------------
me-FBS-50 FWH-44 M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD/Fog-5/04-9/04 NCltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help

For Heaven's sake, you've got children!! Think about their safety!

It something that crosses my mind everyday. At first, he wasn't going to be involved but shortly his family, knows nothing else to do with their lives. My WH took the opportunity to sell theit interests to people he knew that used them. I always knew this would bring us trouble in someway or form.

Should I keep checking his email?and see if the contact is there. How can I know he is being faithful so many miles away? I'm not sure how to deal with this now. Should I wait till his return?
I'm not angry anymore just hurt. He says he feels remorse for what he has done? But, I'm not sure he's sincere, how can I tell?

Thank you for all the support. I will keep reading into answers. THANK YOU!

Shouldi,

Re checking the e-mail:

Absolutely! Your H is in NO way trustworthy right now. He is addicted to the A. Read about that here. WSs get 'addicted' to the endorphin rush that accompanies the good feelings the OP gives them. Your H is totally unable, at this oiunt, to use good judgement. He will, most likely relapse, attempt to C her, in some way. He has to go thru' withdrawal, just like any pther addict, to be 'de-toxed' of the OW. Yuck, I know, but true.

So, check, check, check. It's been 6 months of NC for my FWH, and I still check; not every day as I used to, but 1-2 times a week. For your peace of mind and to make sure he's not going back on his promise, check.

Can you move? Seriously, your H needs to give up this 'business' if your family is going to get through this crisis intact.

Good luck and blessings

Thanks for the input,
As far as the A my WH had with the OW. Ow is not no way near my husband and is not a threat, At least I think.
I've been snoopong in his emails (overseas) and he came in to contact with an old lover before me. The Ow stated she is seperated and wished to see him when he returns. My WH response to her was that he is in love with his wife and I hav met his needs unconditionaly. Their involment back then I guess was more than lovers but friends and when he met me. It was left as a friendship, since the emails confirmed that they havent spoken to eachother for over 5 yrs, the time my H and I have been together. Should I accept him to " stay friends" . When I confronted him of the first email he stated he probably would of gone to see her several states away and probably would of had S contact, if he would of never been caught. What should I do? If I keep confronting him, he'll know I'm checking his emails and probably change passwords.

Shouldi,

Then don't confront unless/until you have real, concrete evidence of C.

If/when you have to confront: If he gets pissed, and says he's going to change his PW, tell him you expect the PW to stay the same, thatthere has to be complete 'radical honesty', no secrets, for your M to survive. Secrets, a secret life - they are deal breakers.

I say, no they can't be 'friends'. Look what happened this time. It will happen again. The line was crossed. It's just too risky.

I suggested moving, not b/c of the OW, but b/c of the 'second job' and the threat it places to you, your kids, and your safety.

Good luck and blessings.