My W told me in late October that she was having an affair with a boyfriend from twenty years ago.It's been going on since July.We've been married ten years.We've never had any real problems but she said she always felt that if they hadn't broke up over a misunderstanding that they'd still be together today and now she wants to find out.He left his wife and a job in another state and moved five miles up the road from me where he and my WS have just started cohabitating.She claims to still love me and always acts remorseful when I see her.For the last couple of months she'd be gone three or four days then she'd come home to me and want to make love and cater to me for a couple of days before she'd run back to him.Now that she has,for the first time,moved in with him I've jumped right into plan B.I told her "one man at a time".She acts hurt(telling the kids she still loves me)and I am hurt.Cutting myself off from her leaves me feeling unsure but less tortured.My problem is that I'm not so sure I can do this for six months.

Sorry to hear of your situation. Are you doing Plan B with no contact now? Has she tried to contact you?<P>This is very hard. Usually Plan A is recommended for at least 6 months. Did you do Plan A before she moved out?

luvstruck47,<P>You don't have to Plan B for 6 months. You do if for as long as you can. After that it is usually the divorce that is next. The purpose of Plan B is to preserve the love you have for your W. It doesn't really preserve the love as slow down the loss of love. But if nothing changes there will come a time when you wake up and realize you no longer love her.<P>When and if that happens you will know you are ready to move on. <P>I truely hope that this doesn't happen, but you can only control yourself not her. So take good care of the children, work on yourself and make yourself a better person. Then you simply have to deal with what is being handed to you. If that is divorce then you will be prepared and you will probably find that there are more than a few women that will be interested in you if your marriage ends.<P>Meanwhile, keep up the good work in this very difficult situation.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I have to say that plan b didn't last too long because of friends,family and herself giving me hope and encouragement to maintain a diologue with her.The main thing(and the toughest I might add)is backing off from her when she comes around seeking an intimate encounter with me. I don't want her to have it both ways but by doing this I'm also denying myself any intimacy at all.I'm amazed at the patience that is expected of those of us who are left behind.

47 the intimacy they want from you is the hardest because you still need it. I have been there and given in. Then he would ring me up after I stopped physical encounters and want me to talk to him if you get my drift. he thought I stopped sex because I would wake up guilty. I was his wife what have I got to feel guilty about my feeling for the last 8 years of marriage. He is the one lying to 3 people. OW, me and himself.<P>Not having sex is not love busting it is protecting yourself emotionally , remember plan A is about you. Draw yourself a line and dont cross it.<P>Lots of people can give you encouragement but remember her actions speak louder than her words.<P>Take care Rosey

luvstruck47:<P>This is difficult for you to handle, I know, I've been there. But harder still is the question surrounding " giving in" or not. This may seem strange, I know, but try "giving in " at least once. You're putting yourself at great risk here, I know, but chances are your W needs to know how she relates to you compared to OM. Don't however indulge in this as a habit, too much cake and eating it will make her lazy to make a decision. Be the best YOU that you can be, and show her what she's missing. Women need to be loved TOTALLY. This may feel degrading to you, (it did to me), but I think had I not, it may have been THAT much harder to move towards reconciliation. If you turn her down, it may appear to be judgemental of her. What I did afterwards, was explain honestly and openly how I felt about it, that I wanted to refuse, that I was "weak" when it came to resisting her, that I hated myself afterwards, although I never regretted it, that I knew that she would "seduce" me, that I made up my mind beforehand not to give in, but was too weak when the time came, all of which was true and sincere from my heart. This in fact lead to an extremely intimate conversation between us, the closest we had been in years, and she shared some of her most innermost thoughts with me.<P>I'm not saying this works for everyone, but think about it. Too often the advice given by other people in these matters is because they are incredibly judgemental of the straying spouse, and protective of the other. You need to decide what your heart is saying. Once we can forget about the pain of our W in bed with OM, and concentrate on our seperation from a soulmate, and how to win her back, I believe we are on the right track.<P>A lot of what I'm saying here I learnt from reading the material of DR HARLEY, but what happened when I went to bed with W, ( two days after she confessed she went to OM till 1:30 in the morning, and broke up with him) took place before I discovered this site, and I want to encourage you to be positive in your approach to your W.<P>You can balance it by not allowing a pattern to develop, but not rejecting her outright, even sexually. This is really hard, and not for everybody. It would be interesting to see what others think of this ( including Dr Harley )<P>I can really say I've been there, and feel your pain with you.Good luck to you. From what I read, I still hold out a lot of hope for your situation, and I know at this point that it seems hopeless.<P>Feel free to mail me at <BR>muzohead@hotmail.com anytime<P>muzohead<P>

Luvstruck,<BR> What you are feeling is very normal. However, I think you tried to go to Plan B too soon. The best chance of saving your marriage is with a good Plan A first; if, after a few months or so of that, you still feel your love draining, THEN go to Plan B as a means of preserving your remaining love for her.<BR> JMHO.

Recommend that you read Dobson's book "LOve must be tough". Give her the choice of working on the marriage or being given her freedom by divorcing her . Stop allowing her to manipulate you. Stop being intimate with her. All you are doing is reinforcing the continuation of her affair. If she sees that you are ready to seriously move on without her it will shake her fantasy world up. Right now she sees you as a backup in case things don't work out with her old bf. Get back your self respect and stop allowing your wife to control this game. Tell her you will play no part in her drama and she can do whatever she wants but you will no longer be there to support her.<p>[This message has been edited by max (edited February 06, 2001).]