During my last conversation with my wife about our situation (she had an affair for 2 years, physical for 8 months until I found out), she admitted that she will keep the memories of her affair for the rest of her life.<BR>In the meantime, I'm busting a gut in Plan A (cinema, restaurant, quality recreation time with her and my children, listening to her and encouraging her more, doing more than my fair share of the work that goes into looking after a family household). <BR>I'm doing nearly everything right to eliminate that part of responsibility I had in a deteriorating marriage, except one thing:<BR>try as I might, I just cannot accept the fact that my W. still thinks about the OM and considers her memories are a part of her life which is private anbd does not concern me.<BR>This is killing me, but I'm sure many of you have been there before me, are are still there at the moment. <BR>Anoither thing is killing me inside:<BR>it's like there are 5 of us at home, not 4, and 3 of us in bed. D-day was Nov 15th. and my W. is not the slightest bit interested in re-establishing any type of sexual relationship whatsoever.<BR>What is stopping her? I think it's the memories of the OM and she's not being honest with me. After all, she is very happy about the rest (I'm different, more recreation, more fun, better atmosphere at home), so why can't the rest just follow naturally?<BR>Is she really loves me, should the sex not come back naturally?<BR>Unless of course she's thinking about somebody else. <BR>This thins is holding me back and I'm afraid that I'll end up asking for a divorce. I can't live in a marriage with someone who cannot say she is there because I'm the most important person in her life, otherwise it's a lie.<BR>I think this weekend may produce a decision to divorce.<BR>Am I being reasonable? Nobody wants to divorce here, neither my W. nor myself.<BR>

I have been fortunate that my wife is interested in intimacy with me. Of course her A only got as far as phone sex.<P>She says that she still has feelings for him, but has admitted that most of this is really nothing more than a way to escape from her current life (she is depressed and overcomitted).<P>Don't forget that Plan A is not just about what you give to her, but also what you do for yourself. The changes that you make should be for you too. If you become a better husband, this will be a benifit to you current W or, God forbid the worst, your next one. I am still trying to be sure that I am doing the right things for the right reasons.<P>One are where I have a problem is that I tend to smother. I have really had to work had to give W the space she needs. I know it is hard, but don't make demands. This will definitely push her away!<P>I understand your pain. This is the worst pain I have ever felt (beats my brother and father dying). The betrayal is nearly impossible to live with. Yet you must if you intend for this relationship to work.<P>Work on yourself. Be patient. Pray and ask other's to pray for you (if you believe in this). Pay attention to your wife's needs and watch the LB's. Don't push, don't smother, don't demand, don't act desparate. These things will only push her further away.<P>If your wife makes the decision to commit to you the sex will come back. You may need to express this to her in a very caring and non-LB way. BUT, be patient and don't push. She may not be ready for this yet. If you are comitted to saving your marriage, you will have to be patient.<P>In the meantime, buy yourself a tube of KY Jelly <P>Bill

I kept hoping one of The Experts would reply...<P>If D-Day was only 2 months ago, I think you're probably expecting too much progress too soon.<P>Your wife has spent a long time thinking she was in love with OM. Even if there's no contact, even if she's absolutely committed to restoring your relationship, it will take time for those feelings to fade.<P>Her feelings for you haven't been strong for 2 years. It sounds like you're doing the right things to build them back up. You're frustrated because it isn't happening as fast as you'd like. That's understandable, but if you really want your marriage to succeed, you need to keep doing what you're doing until it DOES happen.<P>There's an old saying: You can't keep the birds from flying overhead, but you don't have to let them build a nest in your hair. In other words, those thoughts are going to pop into your head whether you like it or not. But you CHOOSE whether to obsess about them and let them control your actions.<P>I have a tendency to sound cold and analytical, even when I don't mean it that way. And I don't. You're in a tough spot right now, and you have my sympathy. <P>I just wanted to say, it's too soon to give up.<BR>

Steve E,<P>It is way way too soon to expect anything from your W. I don't know if you have read much here but I strongly recommend that you do. If she has completely severed contact with the OM of two years, it is very likely going to take 6 months or longer for her to come out of withdrawal/out of the fog.<P>Right now she will think of OM, just the way a dieter thinks of a hand full of cookies. The less he eats the more he wants, but eventually, the desire for the cookies goes back to a reasonable level. In the case of your W, she will be depressed, she will miss OM, she will think back upon the affair fondly especially when the reality at home isn't as pleasant, but eventually the withdrawal ends. She will see many things, including the full picture of the affair, how well you have handled it, how she has hurt you, etc. She may never apologize according to Harley, but she will have thoughts of OM at a continually diminishing rate.<P>So you are a long way from the end of things. She is behaving very normally. Hang in there abit. Plus please read NSR's greeting post in the "Just Found Out" section. IN it he has bookmarked details of Plan A and Plan B. Plan A, is not to get your W to come back, by the way. It is for you to learn and heal as well as provide a "comfortable" place for your W to come back to if she decides to.<P>It is also not about being a doormat. What is expected from a good plan A, is that you will learn to express your feelings, your boundaries, in a way that don't bring up your W's defenses, commonly called an LB. If her defenses are not on full alert she may actually hear what you say. <P>Keep reading, everything is normal, it is a pain in the B___, but what else is there to do? <P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you both for your words of wisdom.<BR>Patience was always one of my qualities in the past, but this is beyond human endurance.<BR>I know you are both right, by the way.<BR>I even feel ashamed asking such questions, some people on this forum are having it a lot worse than me.<BR>My wife ceased all contact with the OM immediately, and has committed to starting from scratch. She is at home with us, and the atmosphere is good. Every morning, I seem to choose how I'm going to feel for the day. A worrying thought.<BR>God bless you both.

<BR>Steve E: "I even feel ashamed asking such questions,"<P>DON'T ! ! ! !<P>That's what the board is for; we are all suffering and all need encouragement. Hang in there. JustLearning is right...this is going to take ALOT of time, from what I've been reading!<BR>SA

Hang in there. If you have been there to this point,it MUST be worth the patience to wait and continue Plan A'ing. Time and the patience WILL pay off. I KNOW,personal experience

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by smidgen:<BR><B>I kept hoping one of The Experts would reply...<P>If D-Day was only 2 months ago, I think you're probably expecting too much progress too soon.<P>Your wife has spent a long time thinking she was in love with OM. Even if there's no contact, even if she's absolutely committed to restoring your relationship, it will take time for those feelings to fade.<P>Her feelings for you haven't been strong for 2 years. It sounds like you're doing the right things to build them back up. You're frustrated because it isn't happening as fast as you'd like. That's understandable, but if you really want your marriage to succeed, you need to keep doing what you're doing until it DOES happen.<P>There's an old saying: You can't keep the birds from flying overhead, but you don't have to let them build a nest in your hair. In other words, those thoughts are going to pop into your head whether you like it or not. But you CHOOSE whether to obsess about them and let them control your actions.<P>I have a tendency to sound cold and analytical, even when I don't mean it that way. And I don't. You're in a tough spot right now, and you have my sympathy. <P>I just wanted to say, it's too soon to give up.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>what are your thoughts on one sided sex..i give him everything he wants and he still won't do things I want. he says he can't kiss my neck, have OS ..doesn't know why..Is he still obsessing over her? She came back into the picture..didn't think she was ever gone...supposedly she was out back in august for good..we had a disagreement..he called her..she wants him to leave and divorce me..she pushing him...i want him home with me andthe kids...any thoughts?<BR>