H came home last weekend and informed me that he is looking to get his own place for the weekends that he is in town from his out of town job in order to visit with our son. I have been counseling with a therapist and also my minister and they feel that he wants to come home but I have been sending him signals that I don't want him home (not creating a safe environment). So with all of us in agreement I sent the following letters this week to him.<P>I am confused. I don't understand why he needs to set up visitation with our son when the child resides in his marital residence and he is welcome to see him any time. Also the state that we reside in does not recognize a separation and I am putting my wedding rings back on because according to the state and God we are h and w. I placed in the letter keys to the house for him (I had changed the locks) and informed him that his belongings are back in our bedroom (I put them in garbage bags when I found out about the affair).<P>In another letter I sent him a Four Tops CD with the song "I believe in you and me" noted within the letter as Track #10. Nothing more. This was our wedding song.<P>Well did I mess up or do you think the change in me will help him along. Everybody thinks that he wants to come home but his pride his keeping him from asking, so have I opened the door. My main goal is to get him home to a safe environment so that we could start counseling.<P>Any comments?

.

Mische...<P>I know I responded to you several times before...<BR>...but I don't remember the details...<BR>Searchig for old posts is a bit time consuming so how about some summary about your situation.<P>I know you live not to far from my W and OM (Allentown)...<BR>...and when you joined...<P>...But... how long have you been Plan A-ing?...<P>Maybe responding to the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Profiles</A> and/or <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>Roll Call</A> posts will let people know about your details and you'll get some more responses.<P>Do you have any idea of how long you would Plan A?<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

I saw your reply to the "Profile" post...<P>Your Plan A is just coming up on 3 months then...<P>For some people that may be enough...<P>Everything is contingent on how much love you feel is left for your H.<P>If it is at a critical level...<BR>...you can't afford to lose anymore...<BR>...then it's time to consider Plan B.<P>Otherwise... stick to Plan A!<P>You can still be honest with him...<BR>...but in the most gentle way...<BR>...let him know he is hurting you.<P>(Don't emphasize his hurting your Son...<BR>...that kind of guilt trip is considered a bit more punishing)<P>Keeping Son away from OW is a ligitimate concern! It was for me too!<BR>Unfortunately... the legal system may not agree with us on that as far as his visitation rights. <P>I'll keep praying for you...<P>Definitely keep Plan A-ing.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Wonderful Mische!<P>Even if he doesn't accept it now, it's a positive step for you. You know that you are doing what you can. And, for what it's worth, I think you should feel good about making the changes ---- opening up yourself to him, having the courage to take that step.<P>The only words of caution are that it can sometimes be too assertive...... run them off because they feel they should be doing the 'manly' thing and make the moves in the marriage. Or make them say 'what's the deal? what's the catch? why suddenly so friendly?'<P><BR>FYI - H cancelled marriage counselling for tomorrow afternoon. Custody and temporary orders hearing for tomorrow morning is being rescheduled. But otherwise it looks like we're moving forward with the divorce.<P>I'm not happy about it. But what can you do when they won't even try? When they are dead set against trying? When you've found out that they intended divorce from the moment that they said 'we need to talk'?<P>I wish you luck Mische. I'm glad you've got people to talk to ---- I've been worried about you in that regard. No matter which way things go, the support system you build now is going to be an asset. <P>Good luck,<BR>~Amy