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#457795 01/15/01 08:52 AM
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I know I've been posting a lot...<BR>...about me...<P>But last night...<BR>...she (my W) read the <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/PlanB2.html" TARGET=_blank>short Plan B letter</A>...<P>...minutes later... she opened up the <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/PlanB.html" TARGET=_blank>full Plan B letter</A>.<P>I can't be guaranteed that <B>she</B> read it...<BR>...since the OM routinely reads any/all e-mail's I send my W...<BR>...and whose eyes did the reading... I can't tell.<P>But as of yet...<BR>...no response (e-mail... call... telegram... etc.) from her.<BR>...no lifting of "the fog".<P>God... I sound like all newbies to Plan B...<BR>...the day they moved to Plan B...<BR>...expecting an immediate response...<BR>...expecting so much...<P><B>JIMMMMMM.. SLAP.SLAP.SLAP... WAKE UPPPPP...</B><BR>...the <B>real</B> Plan B... is about me...<BR>...working on me...<BR>...to be a better me...<BR>...gowing in understanding <B>all</B> my <I>other</I> relationships...<BR>...growing in faith...<BR>...freezing the level of Love in the Love Bank for my W...<BR>...focusing on the kids...<BR>...focusing on a new life...<BR>...not having expectations of recovery!<P>I'll get through this day... and the many more to come...<BR>...I have all of you...<BR>... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ...<P>Thanks guys and gals...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]</A><P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A>

#457796 01/15/01 10:33 AM
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Jim,<BR>I know I haven't posted to your topics much, but I have followed your story closely.<P>I am really at a loss here on what to say. As you already know, you will make it through this.<P>My heart and thoughts go out to you today! Know that you are loved and cared about by so many here, those who post to you, and even those like me, who follow your story, but rarely post.<P>Take care of yourself!<P>~Java

#457797 01/15/01 10:44 AM
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Good thing you slapped yourself---it saves me the work... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>God bless, Jim!

#457798 01/15/01 11:27 AM
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Jim: It is so hard to listen to your own advice, but trust me, I have followed some of your advice and it was worked like a blessed charm. Facing your wife's life changes was hard, and there was a high risk of it not working, and the dissolving of your marriage that you have worked so hard to build. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! GOD has other, and better plans for your life, and the life of your beautiful children. Take heart, I love your spirit, your commitment, and your loyalty to yourself and your children. IF my husband gave me an ounce of respect and dignity that you have given your WS, then my marriage would be a better one. I am not a counselor of marriage, but I do work in a Treatment Facility and I watch kids who recover successfully with love. (((((HUG))))) You will to. You are a special part of this post, and people care enough that when you hurt, we all hurt with you. Please, let go of the pain, rejoice in your life for your children. Go plan a picnic with them at a park, go to the local Zoo, do something DIFFERENT WITH YOUR CHILDREN that have no memories tied to your wife. Be your wonderful, cheerful, supportive self, and you will be blessed, because, YOu have blessed mine, just through this post. gn

#457799 01/16/01 12:05 AM
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Just lettin you know I'm reading<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

#457800 01/15/01 02:22 PM
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Good morning Jim<P>Thanks for the timely message. i am about where you are - expecting something magic to happen because I went to plan B. Turns out h has still not read it !! It hurts a lot dear friend and i am thinking of you.<P>Hugs<P>R

#457801 01/15/01 03:49 PM
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Jim, <BR>Remember, no expectation.<P>Bob

#457802 01/20/01 03:52 PM
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I somehow missed this...<P>How is it going??<P>Bill

#457803 01/20/01 04:32 PM
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Hi Bill...<P>Going OK... I guess...<P>I signed the Property Settlement Agreement yesterday (1/19/2001).<P>It now takes force... so she will have to start paying the back Child Support (since 10/8/2000 only... not back from when she left 8/28/1999)... as well as weekly Child Support. (this is not going to come easy.)<P>I expect her to be pissed about that...<BR>...but boy could I use some of that money...<BR>...just back to work this month... and won't get paid until the end of the month... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>(...that after 7 months out of work... and some of the severance hasn't been sent yet... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] )<P>About the Plan B...<BR>...nothing new...<BR>...it's pretty much just like long distance Plan A-ing...<BR>...except I will not be e-mailing her about the kids anymore...<BR>...I put it into a "web-page" and track when she hits the page (records I need to keep... if she takes me back to court... for anything.)<P>I think I know better how Chris feels...<BR>...and I'm OK with it.<P>My divorce will be over sometime in February or March... March 19 being the absolute last day I can postpone it to (so says the judge... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ) ... but I'm getting to be alright with that too.<P>When it comes...<BR>...it will be on to the "anullment process"...<BR>...my <I>real</I>closure.<P>Thanks for asking.<P>I see you and your posts on the D/D forum...<BR>...I hope all is going well.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

#457804 01/20/01 04:33 PM
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Dreaded double post... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 20, 2001).]

#457805 01/20/01 06:18 PM
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Hello, I am new to this plan A and B. Can someone explain both of these to me.<P>Thanks alot

#457806 01/20/01 07:17 PM
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Welcome <B>lindykay</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P><B>First</B> learn about the general concepts first ===> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P><B>Then</B> check out the MB pages for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>.<BR>(this page doesn't really cover the <I>mechanics</I> in the kind of detail most would like)<P><B>So</B>... check out some of my posts on the topics...check out my post ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P><B>and</B> follow it up with...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

#457807 01/30/01 04:28 PM
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(((((((((((((((Jim))))))))))))))<P><BR>love you.....<BR>sending prayers and good thoughts<P>Dylan<P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

#457808 01/30/01 04:38 PM
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hi, been thinking about you and wondering if any changes. You make a difference is so many of our lives. I hope the Lord's plans for you come clear sometime soon.<BR>

#457809 01/30/01 06:59 PM
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Hey Jim...<BR>I am a relative newcomer, but I appreciate all of your help. Let it be known that if I can hold out as you have, then I know I will have done my best. Hold your head high my friend.<BR>~Mike~

#457810 01/30/01 07:40 PM
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Thank you all...<P>For you recent repliers...<P><B>Dylan</B>...<BR>Thanks... how are you and Deut doing?<P><B>Bellevue</B>...<BR>No changes...<BR>If anything... there is even less contact(from her) than before... even with the kids...<BR>...seems like she's going in the opposite direction from Chris' WS.<P><B>mbtrk</B>...<BR>Holding out 18+ months in a Plan A is a bit too long...<BR>...but I honestly did it... and it helped me realize that while I have changed... my W apparently has not. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

#457811 01/31/01 03:23 AM
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Thinking of you Jim. Hang in there - we need you on this board !<P>R

#457812 02/19/01 03:53 PM
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Jim,<BR>Hope you have more good minutes than bad minutes in every day. I don't have much advice for you, but if it helps, I have gone through a divorce(14 years ago- H had an A-tried to recover-just couldn't make it work) and here I find myself at 45 yo in another relationship that could have ended with infidelity, that has instead been renewed and is limping into recovery. After my divorce I felt as if I would never again be able to love and trust again...but I did. I never thought I'd be able to laugh, dance, sing or rejoice over anything, but I did. I never thought I would be attractive to anyone, let alone myself, but I was. The only thing I've really learned through both of these relationships is never to give up on yourself. "You are the perfect you" is a quote I remember my father telling me when I was an awkward teenager. Don't remember who it was from, but it's true. No one else will ever think, love, make mistakes or correct them the way you will. So, if this part of your life is ending, take that perfect "You" that we have all grown to admire on this forum, and set him loose on the world. We need more people like you.<BR>Twyla

#457813 02/19/01 10:20 PM
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NSR,<BR>You helped me to go through with Plan B - remember, I blew it the same day I gave it to H and you advised me to stick with it? Well, I'm back on it. Haven't seen or spoken to H in 2 weeks. <P>Last Friday he called his assistant at our business to help him with an errand. She was surprised he was asking her, since she's my confidante, and I suggested he might want to talk. Sure enough, since he can't read it to me, he read to her from a 50 pg. list he's written of all my flaws. He wanted to know if we could be "cordial" at work - I answered, through her later, "I don't want to talk to you, it hurts too much." At the end she asked if it was ok to talk to me and he said, "Tell her I still love her and don't mean to hurt her," and actually called later to be sure she did. This sounds sort of good, but he's a serious conflict avoider and I'm not expecting much.<P>Now I'm facing a problem with confronting him on the abuse of corporate funds (giving money to OW and 2 of her BILs, buying a used Porsche, trying to buy a house, etc.) I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow.<P>Here's a question. If forced to be with WS, do you temporarily Plan A or what? I have to be in monthly meeting with H, if he shows up, which he very well may not since he hasn't shown his face at work for more than a few minutes maybe twice a week in a long time, and when I present him with changes that we have to make in handling finances at our business now that we're just business partners. Got any ideas? I talk to Steve Harley on Wednesday.<P>It's so hard not to have expectations. I'm amazed, though, that you and others have hung on to them after so long. It scares me to think I'll still be going through this in a year and a half or even longer... The pain is just so great that "focusing on a new life" sounds good, but just doesn't have much meaning.<P>Good luck with your Plan B. Here's to a new life!

#457814 02/20/01 05:26 AM
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Thanks <B>RoseBrook</B>... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><B>Twyla</B>...<BR>I thank you for your kind words too...<P><B>LetSTry</B>...<BR>Plan B... in my opinion...<BR>...has 2 phases to it...<BR>...while you still have any reasonable amount of love units in your love bank (i.e. are willing to work on a recovery plan if the WS comes back)... you do 1/2 of Plan A...<BR>You avoid the LBs...<P>You can't meet the needs... the ENs...<BR>...it just can't happen...<P>But...<BR>...avoid LBs.<P>Now about the $$$ concerns of your business...<BR>You have a moral obligation to your stock holders, and employees, and customers...<BR>...to do what is right.<BR>You're final answer is not going to be to a divorce judge... but to the judge at the end of time...<P>Taking the higher road always seems to be the more difficult...<BR>...until you see the higher purpose.<P>Do be kind...<BR>be gentle...<BR>...but above all else... be honest.<P>How long you stay in Plan B...<BR>...depends on how long those last few love units stay in your love bank.<BR>Phase 2 of Plan B... means you are sooooo low... it becomes difficult to view any recoverty at all...<P>Unfortunately for me...<BR>...I see my extended Plan A (18 months)...<BR>...may have made inroads to Plan B feelings as well...<BR>...and I see the "formal Plan B" as being shorter than the average...<BR>...especially as my W still treats me... like dirt.<P>I hope that your journey has better turns...<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim<BR>

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