Hi all,<BR>This being my first post on this site, I figure I should probably lay some ground work. My wife informed me 3 months ago that she "had feelings" for someone else. She also told me that she wasn't in love with me any more and didn't know if she ever really was. She wanted to separate and then get a divorce. For 3 months we have been living in the same house and sleeping in separate bedrooms. THere are 2 young children involved. She moved out this weekend and has her own place now. She told me last night that she wants a divorce. I asked her to wait at least for a little while to see if some space might help us. I have tried to get her to go to counciling, and she refuses saying that you can't change the way your heart feels. So here I am trying to save this marriage by myself. Is it possible? We have contact on a daily basis for the most part and it is very painful for me, because I love her more than anything. Major LB were going on with both of us for some time. We have been married for 10 years and I want to repair our marriage. She says that it was only meant to last 10 years and it is time to move on. any words of wisdom...I sure could use some help. The house seems very empty without her there.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mbtrk:<BR><B>She says that it was only meant to last 10 years and it is time to move on. any words of wisdom...I sure could use some help.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm sorry for your pain. Take some solace in that you have found the right place.<P>If you can afford even a small amount of money, I strongly consider counseling with SteveHarley by phone. He will get you on the right track.<P>Read up on Plan A behaviors. What you should be doing know is working to raise your wife's estimation of you as a mate, even though her attention may be focused elsewhere right now. Statistically speaking her affair is not likely to last, and you should be working to appear to be a changed man and an attractive mate when that situation changes.<P>It could change fairly rapidly, as her new housing may change the dynamics of the other relationship.<P>What do you know or suspect about the other man? <BR>

Hey...<BR>As far as I know he is someone that my wife works with. He is also married and has 3 kids. She told me the other night that she has feelings for him and he has feelings for her, but he is not going to leave his wife. Apparently he has a lot to lose. my wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. After telling me she wants her space and also a divorce, she calls my work and leaves a voice mail that she is going to be home and would I like to come over for a visit. What is that all about???She says that she can be my friend right now, but that is all. How do I deal with that type of mentality???

mbtrk,<BR>I suggest you get with one of the Harley's ASAP so you have the best plan for your situation. Your W may already be seeing the error in her ways, let's hope so. Have you read "Surviving an Affair" or some of the other Harley books that apply to you and your W? If not, when you talk to one of the Harley's, get suggestions on which to read first and do it. Hang in there, this sounds optimistic to me, but don't take any chances..get rid of bad habits and make yourself the attractive man your W remembers. You know women have a lot better memories than we do!<BR>Floored

Hey Floored,<BR>It seems as though my wife has two personalities. One of which is the kind loving person that I married. The other is the irrational B**** that has emerged since this separation of hers came to light. She says she wants her space, I try to give it to her, and then she wants me to visit. She calls on the phone to talk to the kids, and then wants to talk to me, and wants to know how the day went etc. Last night she said "you probably don't want to talk to me every day do you?" So I'm thinking...Of course I do...thats why I am fighting like hell to try and hold this marriage together by myself. I am really trying to make PA work and show her that it's safe to come home. She says she loves me, but isn't IN love with me, and therefore wants a divorce. It's hard to not use LB when she becomes antagonistic, but I try to bite my tongue. She has repeatedly refused to go to counciling saying that you can't change how your heart feels and this is what I want. So for the time being, I am trying to stall any divorce plans and try to let her see that all the bad things she remembers now, are well outweighed by the good things that used to be.

mbtrk,<BR>I really urge you to read SAA and His Needs/Her Needs and get some counceling. You could also look on this website for the basic concepts of a marriage, the Harley's will request you do that. Their counceling is more like coaching, where they encourage you to follow the concepts laid out in their books. They are invaluable. Your W is on the fence, as you know, so whatever you do in the next few weeks or months can make or break your chances. Have you suggested to your W to just take some time before divorcing? This will give you a chance to implement some of your new found knowledge and hopefully get your W's attention. You have to accept the fact that your W doesn't have romantic love for you right now, but your actions can change that. That was a really hard thing for me to accept, but it does make sense and it was true. I'll try and check in on you regularly..I usually am on Pregnancy/Child board..be thankful you don't have that to deal with!!<BR>floored

Hi Floored,<BR>It's hard to be hopeful when all I hear from my wife is that she is not in love with me and I need to deal with that. That she wants a divorce and that she is 100% sure that this relationship is over. You can't change how your heart feels. She is in my face on a daily basis wanting to discuss the details of how we are going to divorce and I am trying like crazy to hold her off and get her to wait. This makes it even harder to Plan A because I get so frustrated with her. How do people keep their sanity during this critical period? I love her to death, but her actions make me want to kick her in the a**. Any moral support would be greatly welcomed.<BR>Mike

I am very much in similar situtation with how she reacts. Feeling can not be change that is what my wife says. Is this correct? I am implementing plan A. It is working on the surface but she still meet many other men including physical contact.

To All,<BR>The roller coaster ride continues...with no sign of slowing down. Last night my wife was at my house with the kids when I got home from work. I started to cook supper and she was just hanging around. I asked her if she wanted to stay and she said sure...I would just be by myself otherrwise. So we had dinner with the kids and all was fine until she started talking Divorce again. <P>She said that there was no hope of reconciliation and that we needed to make plans for the divorce. She said "why would I put you and the kids through this if I was going to reconcile?" <P>I said.."do you think that everyone who separates plans on getting back together?" No reply from her except that she is different from everyone else and doesn't change her mind. So here I go dealing with someone who won't read or look at anything that doesn't deal with divorce. It's too bad that she thinks that this is the only solution to the problem.<P>For someone who wants her space, she seems to call a lot and want to be around more than she should. Anyone got any insite into this weird behavior?<BR>Mike<p>[This message has been edited by mbtrk (edited January 21, 2001).]

Hi mbtrk,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mbtrk:<BR><B><BR>For someone who wants her space, she seems to call a lot and want to be around more than she should. Anyone got any insite into this weird behavior?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sounds like she's trying to convince herself she's doing the right thing...maybe even hoping to find evidence to the contrary. One of the things Harley notes is that the WS will often try to get some ENs met thru the OP and some thru the BS. Sort of having their cake and eating it too. The OM may be meeting some of her ENs, but you still may be meeting others, thus she's still coming around. Your job is to keep doing the good things, start meeting any other ENs you weren't meeting if you can, and avoid the LBs.<P>Can you identify your wife's ENs which you may be meeting and some which you may not have been? Are you following the good advice you have gotten about reading Harley materials and possibly counseling? I haven't done the counseling, but those who have seem to swear by it...given that your situation seems to be coming to a head fast, it seems a good idea to try it--the Harleys do phone counseling, so your location doesn't matter.<P>Keep yourself together, don't appear desperate, even if you are. It will take time, but try to show her you can still be a good spouse, Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.<P>Good luck,<P>Steve

Hi Steve !<BR>Your comment is very interesting. I am also probably meeting some of the EN of my wife. She has been lately talking with a lot more than before. However, as you can see from my posting. She continue to have multiple affairs with OM. She does not want to take any joint counseling and she does not want to tell me her EN. This is a very diffucult situation.

Hi Steve and HHH,<BR>It seems as though I can't do anything right in her eyes. Last night I called just to say hi and find out how her day was, I told her I loved her and she said not to tell her that. It made her feel uncomfortable because she can't say it back. She said don't do it again . So how do I let her know that I love her without telling her so, and she won't let me meet any of her EN. This is so hard that it is becoming very painful to keep this up.<BR>Mike

Hi guys,<P>HHH, I don't think we have enough info re your situation to be very helpful. I don't remember--have you started your own thread? If not, you might do so and supply more details. Probably the comments to mbtrk will also be somewhat applicable to you.<P>mbtrk, I recommend first that you reread the comments of Mike C2 and floored. I think their advice is good. Second, realize that you won't get results from Plan A right away. It can take weeks or months, so don't push her for a quick favorable response.<P>In all probability, it will take your wife a while to believe that changes in you are real. Until then, she won't feel emotionally safe in making any renewed commitment to you. You just have to persevere in avoiding LBs and in trying cautiously to figure out how you can meet her ENs. You want to show her you care in whatever ways she's willing to accept at the moment. No visible results doesn't mean nothing is happening.<P>The length of time it may take and the resulting discouragement is one reason you should keep posting and consider counseling to help keep you on track.<P>Hang in there,<P>Steve

HHH,<P>Sorry, I had just come back to check this thread when I posted--now I've seen your thread.<P>I don't know that I have a lot to add, but do have one suggestion. Try to spend some time doing something you enjoy. Having the WS see you as happy and independent, while still being available to them is important in Plan A.<P>You probably won't get a lot back from your spouse for some time while in Plan A. Therefore, it's important to have other sources of joy in your life, or you'll give up.<P>As usual, paying attention to NSR's suggestions is a good idea.<P>Steve

Hey Steve,<BR>No one said that this was going to be easy. It certainly isn't. I know know what I did wrong and hope that in time I will have a chance to make things right with my wife. <P>Having no control over the situation at hand really stinks and knowing how stubborn my wife is makes this even harder. It seems as if she has convinced herself that this is the only solution. She made the comment to me a month ago that she has said that she wants a divorce to all of her close friends, and therefore there is no turning back. <P>This mentality makes the work that I have to do even harder. I can't wait to have a session with Steve on Thursday. I hope that this sheds some new light on things.<P>I don't know where my wife is with her EA and that makes things difficult. I had heard that the OM had said thathe wasn't going to leavee his wife. But I'm not sure about anything anymore. I haven't seen any significant changes in her personality that would lead me to believe that he dumped her yet.<P>Thanks to all who have posted. It means a lot to me during this trying time in my life. Keep talking and I'll keep posting. The information you all have is invaluable!<BR>Mike

Hey all...<BR>I started my Plan A today. My wife saw a couple of articles that I had left on my bed. She said that anyone that goes to Marriage builders was sick and needed help!<BR>imagine all of us sick people at the same place. <P>Steve had asked me to see if she would talk to him...yea right. He does phone counciling and therefore he's a quack and is just trying to take your money. Anyone that does counciling over the phone is afraid to talk to someone face to face. It's too impersonal.<P>Boy...I'm having a hard time Plan Aing and being nice when she says that I am sick and in denial and need help.<P>How do you deal with that mentality??<P>~Mike~

The only way to work through it...<BR>...is for her to <B>see</B> the results in you!<P>BTW: we are all sick...<BR>...when we don't give the love God wants us to give...<BR>...our health (and it improvement) is in moving to meet in an encounter with HIM.<P>Her faith may be in a weakened state...<BR>...your's needs to strengthened...<BR>...the times will get harder before they get easier...<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

mbtrk, I started reading this and thought it was my post! I'm in the same place you are,everything in mine is so close is not even funny!If you get a chance,look at my post it's in general questions 2.Topic,what do I do now help.The one thing I left out of mine is we have two little ones at home too.Maybe we can compare notes and help each other. I'm not quitting,I love my wife more than life itself and I'll do everything in my power to save my marriage and family!I think your as determand as I am!<BR>nighthawk...

Hi Nighthawk,<BR>it has been almost 4 months since my wife dropped the bomb about divorce. It was 2 months into it before I found this place. I did major LB during the first 2-3 months of all this. Now I'm trying to break those habits and just be her friend and let her see that I'm a pretty good guy.<P>The problem is, is that her walls are so high right now I don't have a ladder big enough to reach the top. She says that she has nothing left to give and won't go to counciling. There is nothing left.<P>It is very discouraging to have to sit and listen to her talk about divorce. She has been out of the house now for 2 weeks. <P>It hurts every day and I miss her terribly. <BR>Sometimes (like yesterday) when I talk to her, I get the feeling that there is no hope at all. Then I see all of the people here that have been trying for months on end. <P>Know that the people here are great and keep posting. It helps to know that you are not alone.<P>~Mike~

nbtrk, Thank you for your reply on my post,I only started last night and ALL of you have made things much better,just someone that gives a dambed to talk to helps!Keep me posted how your doing ok!<BR>Thanks again,<BR>nighthawk...