Discoverd the EA in June. Realized that I have been verbally abused for years and never realized thats what it was. Read through all of drirene's web site and now reading Patricia Evans book on the Verbally Abusive Relationship. Boy its a scary thing to read some of your history and not know this is considered abuse. <P>Just wanted to know if any of you are going through this verbal abuse thing and if it could be that his control over me just was another step and the EA was one more power over me. "Like he said I am making a big deal out of it, it was not what I am making it to be". Discounting my feelings are a sign of abuse. He truely is not showing remorse or sorrow for what he did. How could he feel sorrow if he truely doesnot feel it was wrong.???<P>Just wanted to open a door to see who was out there with this same kinda of delima. Besides the counselor said my H is showing me no respect. Once I asked him if he is verbally abusing me/like the web sight said he definitely agreed with me. Remember,It was me who stumpled on this verbal abuse thing after reading someones reply with <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com" TARGET=_blank>www.drirene.com</A> web sight.<P>Anyway, one door of truth opens and another door is opened. The bible does say the Truth will set us Free!!! Maybe I am on my way to being free/happy some kinda way???<P>Thanks <BR>Overcomer

I too came accross the verbal abuse stuff by accident. I realized that I was also a victim of it. I think that most people suffer from it in any relationship. Just like your H, mine says his affair was just emotional and that I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. That I overreacted and pretty much blamed me for it all. But the majority of verbal abuse I received from him was after I found out about his affair. I found a wonderful Domestic Violence support group in my area and have some great support. Although most of the members dealt with physical abuse, they still expierenced the verbal. They say verbal abuse is more harmful than physical abuse. Now I am on the board for Coalition against Domestic Violence. I am very educated on its affects and the reasons for it. Although, I still question things that deal with me. I may be educated but it hasn't really lessened the pain any. But I know know it wasn't my fault and I have learned how to respond to his unkind words. I don't consider myself a survivor, just simply surviving. Good luck<BR>Nancy

His verbal abuse lead to an EA? I think his selfishness lead to the EA and not your actions.<BR>I'm glad you both found the drirene website- i found out i was being verbally abusive towards her as well. I attended a dv group also- I also feel as if i have lost the anger, and i hope that she can forgive me and reunite us as a family. if not, the truth has most definitely helped me to feel more at peace . we will become better people.

What's an "EA"? I'm guessing an emotional affair.<P>I find the DrIrene site much more balanced than the Patricia Evans book. It is dangerous to self diagnose verbal abuse. Also, where I live they have some crazy new studies in which they interviewed women about domestic violence, and found that in 55% of the cases the woman admitted to throwing the first punch. If that pattern holds for verbal abuse as well, the Evans book is extremely one-sided. One would get the impression from her book that no woman ever resorts to verbal abuse, and no man ever does anything but.<P>The best way to diagnose the verbal interactions within your relationship is with both of you together and a counselor who is well trained in Transactional Analysis. Chances are when a person talks to a counselor all by themselves, they can recall with extreme clarity every mean thing that their spouse said, but don't seem to think the mean things they said themselves warrant any mention. With Transactional Analysis, they get the two of you interacting, sometimes through role playing, sometimes through re-discussing old arguments, and then they go over the conversation and try to teach better negotiation techniques to both parties. Sometimes they video tape the sessions as well. My counselor told me that was sometimes the most effective method of demonstrating to someone how inappropriate their behavior was. Once you can see yourself on tape, nobody really needs to explain it to you anymore.<P>So anyway, if you and your husband/wife/whatever are having trouble communicating, you might want to look and see if something like this is available in your area. It's quite popular in the business world, so it might be.<BR>

that is a good call- i feel as though Patricia Evans book is very anti-male. I found out I was being verbally abusive to my W- and or and more i found out she was to me also.

Like I said in earlier post....verbal abuse can be found in just about every relationship.....by both parties. The abuse becomes damaging when the other party starts believing everything abusive that is said to he/she. When it starts making you feel bad about yourself you need to confront the person who is attacking you. Sometimes that person doesn't even know they are hurting you. It is when the abuser is confronted about his/her behavior and they do nothing about it but continue or increase it that it can become extremely damaging.<BR>Nancy