We have been married for 10 years. It was an arranged marriage. I felt that we were happy initially and we had our son 5 years ago. Two years ago, she had emotional affair through internet. We decided to rebuild our marriage. But, I found that she continued her affair through internet. Slept with other men. In 10/00, I have been in major distress. I am actually a client of Steve who is trying to implement plan A for about 2 months. I am talking with my wife now but I know she is still doing things behind my back. Sometime the resentment is very strong and I would like to just give up. I have a lot of things to improve !!!!!!! But, I am not good implementing this change. I am tired.

Please also read this, I posted this in 10/00 when I found about more details.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001154.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001154.html</A> <P>

HHH,<P>Persistence, Time, Consistancy...<P>It <B>is</B> hard...<BR>...what is even harder is giving up.<P>We are all human...<BR>...and there are limits to the "abuse" we can take.<BR>If you're getting there (check this out with Steve)... consider Plan B.<P>Unfortunately... I have had to go in that direction myself.<P>I'll be praying for you.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Yes, I agree with you that persistence is important. That is what Steve told me. But, I am not quite sure how to be persisitent. I am using my soul to do this and gradually burning out. When I see great couple I feel depressed. Am I crazy? How can I continue plan A without depresseion.

HHH...<P>Have you considered seeing a pyschiatrist for anti-depressant medication.<P>It is not meant as a cure-all...<BR>Nor does it show a sign of weakness on your part...<BR>And... it could be just be for a transitory period...change takes time...<BR>...give yourself some slack too!<P>For many... their "faith"... or finding it again... can act as the best anti-depressant.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

I started anti-depressant two days ago. It calms me down. But, I still need to find a practical way to implement plan A without burning out. Also, I have a lot difficulties to become an attractive husband for my wife because she does not want to tell me her emotional need. She has spoken with Steve several times but she does not want to continue any more when the joint session was coming up. We had a separate session several times. She tells me that you can not change your emotion or feeling by plannning. Help me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<p>[This message has been edited by HHH (edited January 19, 2001).]

Obviously your W is still in the fog...<BR>...or at best it is lifting <B>s l o w l y</B>.<P>If you've just started medication...<BR>...be very patient...<BR>Depending on what it is... it could take anywhere from 3 to 6 <B>weeks</B> to kick in...<P>Check out the "<B>Medication/Stress/Depression:</B>" section on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post for some experiences by other MB members.<P>What if you don't know what your spouses ENs are...<BR>Check out my post(s) to/by <B>Lora</B>...<BR>===> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/002770.html" TARGET=_blank>How to say my feelings without it being a LB</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/002786.html" TARGET=_blank>My trial and error for meeting needs</A>.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

I will read the other site and get back to you. I know that you do not the detail. But, do you think I should continue plan A (only two months)?<BR>

There is no hard and fast time from doing a Plan A...<P>Dr. Harley, in general says about 6 months...<P>The ideal would be to give your spouse a chance to see the changes in you really manifest themselves... as permanent changes.<P>You could reinforce that with words...<BR>...but actions speak much louder than words.<P>This should be the hardest thing you've ever done...<BR>...and the most worthwhile! <P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

I agree with you that continuing the action to show your change is natural and a habit is probably the most difficult part. A lot of friend told me to be focused but it is difficult. I think it sounds like I am just complaining. <BR>

What do you mean by word?

Do actions that show her your changes...<P>Saying (words) that you've changed can be taken as just lip service.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Well, time has come. I have known that my wife had an affair through the internet. But, I know for sure that she will be seeing somebody in AM. I am getting a help to expose this fact to me by a third party. The third party will inform my wife that they will contact me. But, I am going to stick with plan A. Meaning, I will ask her "What would your like to do?" If she say no, I will not do anything. Am I schizophrenic? No, I think she needs to face the fact that you can not have a secret life. I know that this may be a selfish demand but at the same time I feel that I am doing the right thing.

My wife did sleep with OM. I confronted her. But she told me that she does not know what to do. I told her that we should separate because my pain so severe that I can not take any more. Then, she said the reason she is doing internet and sleeping other men is because I married her. She resent this marriage and she told me that I should leave the home not her. Steve got involved and after the telephone counseling. She asked me to hug her but she told me that she can not stop internet becuase that is her support. She has finally agree to meet another counseler. The counseler and Steve is going to collaborate. But she continues to make phone call to these other men. My pain is so severe. I told her that I can not take this anymore. Please stop. I also mention that I may take legal action to these men. She told me that your thinking is creepy and she will never open her mind to me. I am tired. I want to run away.

Hi HHH,<BR>I have been in the same experience as you have been. It makes me so sad I want to cry, I cannot eat. My wife also did internet things with men and it made me angry because of how childish it seemed.<P>But I began Plan A on my own without even telling her about what I was doing. It has been 8 months since I began this Plan A and it is working.<P>But the best part of Plan A is not what it does for the WS, -but what it does to make you feel better about yourself. You see, the sadness makes us forget about how wonderful WE are as honest and loyal spouses.<BR>For example, I am a wonderful husband. I have remembered this because of Plan A and it has made my wife stop her EA on the internet.<P>BUT even if it hadn't, even if it had gotten to the point where she was sleeping with other men, by the time I had been Plan A-ing for only two months I already didn't care anymore 99% of this problem I was having with her.<P>BECAUSE *I* had been healed by Plan A. Other women I'm meeting when I go to lunch or get coffee suddenly begin to notice me, smile and talk to me more often. At first I don't know what's going on. Then I realised that it was the Plan A. It really does make an improvement in a person!<P>The point I am trying to make is this: Do Plan A for yourself. Do it to prove that no matter what, you will always be the 'good' person and loving spouse.<P>The loss is not yours, my friend.<P> <P>

Thank you for your encouraging word. Plan A is not easy. I lose my focus every time when resentment or her seen with other men comes into my mind. How did you overcome these negative feeling?

I usually <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/003890.html" TARGET=_blank>P.U.S.H.</A>.<P> <P>Jim

Thank you for PUSH. It really hit my heart. Since I found out the physcial affair, my love to her has really went down. I am almost forcing my self to continue plan A. Also, I still want to express my love and hug her. But, I feel like not to because I feel as if I am losing my lover to her. I know this feels contradicted, but this is how I feel.

Thank you for the P.U.S.H. story. I get so discouraged. My WS continues to work with the OP although he says that contact is minimal and only of a work nature. I don't know this to be a fact although I have no real reason (except past behavior) to doubt his word. I believe that I implemented Plan A without realizing it. It was successful as far as I know, however my WS does not want to continue beating the subject as he considers it over and resolved. Therefore, I have no real way of monitoring the success of the action. Friends and family are unaware of the affair (as far as I know)and are not available as information sources. I still have fears and doubts about his current fidelity. I suppose this is a normal response to only six months. <P>How does one know if the affair was an addiction or otherwise? It ended abruptly after I became aware, I did not see evidence of withdrawal, and there seemed to be a genuine desire to reconcile and improve the marital relationship. There was no projection of blame on the OP, no insults, no avoidance of guilt. There was almost a lightheartedness, as if he was relieved that the affair was over. Can this be real remorse in disguise?

HHH: having been the WS and having been so distressed in my marriage to unresposive spouse, my perception was that i was screaming from the rooftops for years about my misery and unhappyness and that she ignored it that I felt so alone and in dispare the only comfort i had was the communication i had with others- be it the OW or anyone with a heart willing to listen. The OW gave me strength and the desire to live she admired me and fed my EN's from top to bottom, and the bottom line is it was when i finally got strong enough emotionally through this relationship that i began to remember what it meant to be an honorable man, and i realized that what i was doing was not honoring myself, my wife nor was it honoring the OW. crap now what? when i got to this point i was ready to go home and meet the fate of my marriage. <P>my perception was that i was going to sever the relationship with the OW be 150% dedicated to making my marriage work, and that my wife who didnt care or love me would dismiss me and i would be alone.<P>the point is that there was no way my spouse loved me, nothing she had done showed me that she did. I was convinced it was over i mean she would'nt be interested in meeting my needs she is selfish and only takes! <P>while we are far from healthy and strong, i have learned that my perception of her and her desire to strive for a happy marriage was wrong i was just in such a depressed state that i could not communicate or ask for what i needed. <P>while i know that you are depressed consider for a moment the state that you W may be in she too may not see in you or trust that you will be able to meet her EN's, and i can vouch for the fact that no amount of promising can convince someone who is there that you can. your challenge is to act loving and meet EN's whether you feel love or not, whether she reciprocates or not, to not be jugemental to not do LB's to destroy the Love credits you will build. only throught the consistant deposits and expressed act of meeting EN's will she come to "Trust" that you will actually do it.<P>i wish you well <P><P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz