Since the A has been discovered it has been really hard to plan A because H works in another state with OW and I believe that they are living together. It has gotten worse in the last couple of weeks rather than better. H does not call at all and the only number I have is his work number and even when I leave messages he doesn't return the call. How can you plan A when you don't live with them and he is living with ow and having his EN and PN met everyday by here. We have a 3 year old son and he doesn't even call or ask about him.<P>Well, I reached my limit and on Friday I called his supervisor at work and told him that I was extremely worried because I have been leaving messages and H hasn't called me back. Was he at work, was he ok. Within 1/2 hour H called me. I told him that I was extremely worried because it wasn't like him to not return calls. Then it happened. <P>I said to him that it has been three months and this is starting to affect our son. I laid out the following to him. 1. He can come home on weekends, live with us and we can get counseling until this assignment is over and then at the end of the assignment we make plans to live together.<BR>2. I will come out to where he is working and we can do counseling out there and since I don't know where he lives I will show up at the company he is working at to find him. Or 3. I will file for divorce because in our state I can request court ordered counseling. I would file not because I want a divorce but because I know we need counseling and he will not make a decision and I am not staying in this limbo. <P>I gave him until Monday for an answer. Did I screw up. I just can't take the fact that I am his wife and he has totally shut me out of his life and won't make a decision to divorce me, but just keeps holding me hostage by this limbo.

Mische,<P>{{{{{Mische}}}}}...<P>You know I am more of a MB purist than most...<BR>...so I do think maybe your approach is not in line with the typical MB concepts.<P>Ultimatums... like the ones you suggest....<BR>...probably aren't going to help.<P>Forcing yourself on him (against his will)...<BR>...will drive him to cling to the OW even tighter than before.<P>Forcing him into counseling isn't going to help either. It is an attack on his ability to make decisions (right or wrong).<P>If you need to be protected... legally... go for a separation...<P>It sounds like you're at that point of being really close to Plan B...<BR>...Plan B... to protect your love for your H<BR>...and (at the same time)... learn to live without.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Mische,<P>I agree with what Jim said, but I can certainly understand your frustration and what you have done in light of it. It is unbelievable that he isn't contacting to talk to your son and ask how he is doing.<P>Plan B and a legal separation seems like the inevitable situation, but only you know everything about the situation. I just think that giving him a multiple choice ultimatum isn't probably going to help much, but who knows....might shake him. Wait and see. He sounds so selfish right now....not concerned about his wife and son back at home.<P>I really feel for you. Let us know what happens.

Mische,<P>16th - he was looking for a house in town so that he can visit your son.<P>21st - you're laying down ultimatums.<P>In between, it sounds like you were calling him and leaving a number of messages. Plus the cd, and maybe other things too. AND you called his boss!<P>I'm going to give you the same advice I got from JL -- back off. You could be running him off with your assertiveness. Every phone call to him is a 'demand' from his view, regardless of the message or tone of voice. <P>He's going to be working in baby steps. Very slow, very tiny baby steps. And he'll be holding onto something for dear life because he's so unsure of what he wants to do.<P>How long will it be before his 'job' is over?<BR>Can you go into Plan B until it's over?<P>~Amy