I just recently confessed to my husband about an affair I had with a coworker of mine. Although I knew telling him would cause our marriage great distress, I realized the importance of his knowing, with the hope that we would be able to work it out. My guilt was eating me alive, and the pain I was causing him was doing the same. It's been about 6 weeks now since I have told him, and he has gone through many stages of emotion (Shock, Frustration, Anger, and Despair). However, the underlying issue seems to be focused more on his beleif that I am still lying about the details of my affair. He is willing to work on everything, he wants us to have a better marriage than we have had, he wants us to be happy and best friends, but he doesn't feel that we can attain any of those things in our lives until he has closure on the affair. <BR>I do have a great history of lying, and telling my husband about my affair was not only an effort to make him aware so that we could fix things, but also an effort for me to change my horrible habit of lying and to become a better person. However, because of my history of lies, my husband has sheer disbelief that I want to tell him the truth, that I am willing to make such a dramatic change overnight.<P>The issue is this. I had an affair with a man 10 years older than myself who is also married with two children. My husband & I have only been married for a year and a half with no children. My affair began during the course of planning our wedding which I beleived was cold feet, one last fling before we said "I do". I had never had a serious realationship except that with my husband, which was 6 years before we got married. After we were married though, the physical aspect of the affair continued for two months and then ended, and then continuation of keeping a close emotional affair ended about 10 months after the initial start of the affair. My husband is having a very difficult time for a number of reasons, one being that he feels getting married should have been the happiest time of our lives, and to jepordize my happiness for an affair at that time hurts him tremendously. However, we have been embarking upon the reasons for the timing as well as the contributing reasons I decided to have the affair, and we are making progress in those areas. The largest issue at hand is that the person whom I had an affair with and I only had sexual intercourse on 2 occasions. My husband is having a very difficult time in believing this because he feels that over the course of a year twice is not acceptable, there was much given opportunity, it had to have happened more.<P>My side of the issue is that although we discussed have intercourse again and again, it never happened for a number of reasons. I would always feel too guilty to consent, and I feared my husband discovering the affair and had my lover fearing the same. Reason being my husband would frequently bring up the topic that he suspected something and would continually mention his following me.<P>My biggest problem now is that I feel greatly compelled to lie to him and tell him that we did have intercourse on a regular basis, just to save my marriage so that he will have the closure that he is seeking. Yet, on the other hand I am really telling him the truth on this matter and have answered all of the detailed questions he has asked honestly. I fear if I lie to make him feel better, I am hurting myself from changing my old horrible tendencies, and I would hurt our new found relationship by begininning it with a lie. How do I make him believe me so that we can move on. The more this lingers, the more resentment he is building up. We are having progress, yet the progress is shot down at least once a day by this. My feeling is that if he continues to see the good and honest person that I am trying to become and stops dwelling on details of the affair, working on rebuilding our relationship, then he will eventually beleive me even if he doesn't forgive me.<P>What are your thoughts?<P>

dhm,<P>Well, first and foremost it is going to take time for you H to learn to trust you, especially since he knows your basic nature is to lie. This will take a lot of time and consistentcy from you.<P>Second, you need to understand something. Your whole marriage has been a lie. From before your wedding right through until 6 weeks ago your marriage hasn't been a marriage. I am not trying to be hard on you, but that is the reality and your H knows it.<P>If you can stand before God and say your wedding vows while having an affair, he will have to wonder what you are really capable of.<P>I will tell you this, you are a very very lucky woman, most men would evaulate this situation and say Goodbye. In fact, since there are no children involved and the marriage is only a year or so old, if he came here asking for advice about rebuilding I and others would recommend that he divorce you. Yes, even in a marriagebuilders forum.<P>Please understand I am not lecturing you, I am hopefully pointing out to you how very fortunate you are. With that in mind, you need from now on to be honest with your H.<P>It will be years before he trusts you with much, but you can do many things to help him. You can be accountable for your time. You can make sure that he can check on you. You can check in with him, and then back it up with proof. Nothing can prevent you from lying to him and covering yourself very well, so you need to be an open book.<P>He also knows that while he didn't have evidence that you knew that he knew and you kept on lying. dhm, I would strongly recommend that you take every opportunity to reassure your H that you love him. He probably won't believe it for a long time, but you must be consistent.<P>Finally, I would recommend that you do a lot of reading here. If you go to the "Just Found Out" section you will find a "general greeting" by NSR. Within that post are bookmarked many articles as well as notable posts by people on this forum. Read them, specifically read about Plan A. I would also strongly recommend that you read His Needs Her Needs by Harley and perhaps "Surviving an Affair" also by Harley. You will find other books recommended in NSR's post.<P>The two books I recommended will help you and your H. You can build trust in your marriage, but you must be in it for the long haul. Your H has a lot of healing to do, and you are the main instrument of that healing.<P>I almost forgot the most important thing you can do. Get some counseling and learn why it is that you lie about everything. If you can figure that out, perhaps the need to lie will diminish and in the process your H may come to realize that you are serious about this issue and want to overcome it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited January 24, 2001).]

Welcome <B>dhm</B>...<P>I'm getting so slow aroung here...<BR>...just so busy... <P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P><B>JL</B> hit all the best points... <P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

JL<P>I know that I have a good husband, he is a great guy. The problem is that he never let me know it until now. He has opened up to me about many events and things that have happened in his life that I never knew. We never had a great feeling of trust or communication. We have been together since we were in High School, and we got married last year younger than most. We lived together right out of High School and got married 4 years after graduating. I have always felt that I loved my husband and I did want to marry him, yet at the same time I never felt loved from him, at least the way I really wanted to be loved. He is an enraged anger person. Whenever even a small arguement arises he is breaking things that have special meaning to me or calling me terrible names. I often walk away from every arguement that we have had never forgetting some comment that he made. Now, though I realize as is he that he is capable of being a loving person and showing that to me. With the help of our marriage councilor whom we have been seeing within the first week of d-day, we have been able to unveil many issues that have been disturbing to us and have contributed to our many problems. The reason why we did stay together is because we felt as if we couldn't live w/o one another. We were never compatable, mostly because we never truly got to know and understand each other the way we are now. It turns out he has never been the honest person I thought that he was either. He's been lying to me for years about many issues that I have confronted him on demanding the truth be told, and I finally got it when I confessed my affair.<BR>The only issue that is bothering me now is my husbands drinking problem. Our councilor has advised us both that staying away from alcohol now is a wise choice, especially due to my husbands angry history. My husband is not listening though. He drinks several drinks each night waiting for me to finish work as we commute together. The day could be incredibly great, but the car ride home is always miserable. He often puts our lives in danger by literally driving at 80-100mph and weaving in and out of traffic. Demanding the truth from me. In addition, he keeps telling me about this bartender friend that he has been carrying on in conversation with. This past Friday, I went to pick him up and he was sitting there having dinner with her. In our rational and calmer moments, my husband displays complete understanding and tells me of his deep feeling for our love growing and pulling through this. We've even discussed renewing our vows because of the circumstances and the affair taking place when it did. However, when he is drinking he hates me and wants deeply to seek revenge upon me. I do know that he will experience anger, but should I be telling him of my anger about his behavior when he is drinking or just let it slide because he is dealing with horrible and hurtful emotions right now?<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>dhm,<P>Well, first and foremost it is going to take time for you H to learn to trust you, especially since he knows your basic nature is to lie. This will take a lot of time and consistentcy from you.<P>Second, you need to understand something. Your whole marriage has been a lie. From before your wedding right through until 6 weeks ago your marriage hasn't been a marriage. I am not trying to be hard on you, but that is the reality and your H knows it.<P>If you can stand before God and say your wedding vows while having an affair, he will have to wonder what you are really capable of.<P>I will tell you this, you are a very very lucky woman, most men would evaulate this situation and say Goodbye. In fact, since there are no children involved and the marriage is only a year or so old, if he came here asking for advice about rebuilding I and others would recommend that he divorce you. Yes, even in a marriagebuilders forum.<P>Please understand I am not lecturing you, I am hopefully pointing out to you how very fortunate you are. With that in mind, you need from now on to be honest with your H.<P>It will be years before he trusts you with much, but you can do many things to help him. You can be accountable for your time. You can make sure that he can check on you. You can check in with him, and then back it up with proof. Nothing can prevent you from lying to him and covering yourself very well, so you need to be an open book.<P>He also knows that while he didn't have evidence that you knew that he knew and you kept on lying. dhm, I would strongly recommend that you take every opportunity to reassure your H that you love him. He probably won't believe it for a long time, but you must be consistent.<P>Finally, I would recommend that you do a lot of reading here. If you go to the "Just Found Out" section you will find a "general greeting" by NSR. Within that post are bookmarked many articles as well as notable posts by people on this forum. Read them, specifically read about Plan A. I would also strongly recommend that you read His Needs Her Needs by Harley and perhaps "Surviving an Affair" also by Harley. You will find other books recommended in NSR's post.<P>The two books I recommended will help you and your H. You can build trust in your marriage, but you must be in it for the long haul. Your H has a lot of healing to do, and you are the main instrument of that healing.<P>I almost forgot the most important thing you can do. Get some counseling and learn why it is that you lie about everything. If you can figure that out, perhaps the need to lie will diminish and in the process your H may come to realize that you are serious about this issue and want to overcome it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited January 24, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

dhm,<P>First, let us separate somethings just a bit. I realize that they are all tied together, but taking them one at a time may help. <P>First, had you been honest with yourself and your H you would have sought counseling before you had your affair. You and your H are very young, and apparently not that emotionally mature. Your H's behavior now is to be expected. His anger, fear, remorse, etc are all normal.<P>However, how he is handling it with the alcohol and fast driving is not. Apart from risking his life, he is risking yours, but he is also risking the life of many other people on the road. This cannot be tolerated. But you cannot help him. He needs help from AA or some other organization that is skilled in handling issues of addiction. Someone, in his family, a parent, or brother or sister needs to talk with him about the drinking and certainly about the drinking and driving. I doubt that he will listen to you, but you can try. If you love him you surely don't want to have him dead. Heck even if you don't you surely don't want to have him dead. But you might inform him that the accident may only leave him paralyzed or mentally impaired so that he could spend the rest of his life in an institution. Death often doesn't frighten a man of his age with the pain he is in, but being a vegatable may strike a cord.<P>Of course you have reason to fear as well since you are a passenger in the care as well.<P>I would inform the bartender, however, that his driving is life threatening, and that if he continues to serve him drinks, he and the bar will be liable for any injuries or deaths that result. <P>Now, that you two are in counseling hopefully many of the issues of the marriage will be settled. However, only you hold the key to your lying and there really isn't an excuse for it. Finally, you get full responsibility for the affair. Of all the ways to address your problems, that was about the worst.<P>It will take time for him to heal from this, especially with all of the other issues that you two have.<P>So the advice remains the same. Be honest with your H, have patience with him, he has a long way to go, and finally realize that your affair transends this marriage. It was going on before, during , and after the wedding. There is nothing about this marriage that is really real to your H, and that really hurts.<P>Keep posting and keep reading there is hope for your marriage but don't expect any quick fixes.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

dhm,<P>My wife sounds a little bit like you. She lies quite a bit about a lot of things. We have been married almost 14 years now. I discovered an affair soon 4 years ago. I did not trust her at all anymore, where before I trusted her blindly. We needed to build trust in our relationship. I felt that she needed to earn my trust in her. Sometimes she would try to be more open and share with me in an effort to earn my trust, but then I would find out a lie - it might be about something little, that didn't really matter, but it still did open up that whole trust issue. Many times I wondered how many other affairs did she have over the 14 years. While I know once the pattern of lies begins, it is difficult to end. I think sometimes with my wife, she doesn't even know why she lies to me. You need to try and earn your husband's trust in you again. Be honest, be open - share your day, your plans, your dreams. Do it consistantly no matter what it is.<P>My wife could never get past that and do what needed to be done that way. She has just moved out again for the third time in the last 4 years. She still lies to me - I discovered that while we were still together, that she was talking (that's what she told me)with two different men. One was a boyfriend she had a year ago when she was separated from me, and another guy she didn't even know that she met in a restaurant one day, and she gave him her phone numbers. Of course she claims she really doesn't care about any man right now - that they are chasing her. My question to her is this "why are you giving these guys your phone numbers." There is little doubt in my mind that she basically is issuing them an inviation for a lot more than a talk when she gives them her phone numbers. Anyways, just be totally honest with him - it's what you both need.<P>richard