I really don't know what to do. I really don't know what I can do. My wife and I have been married for a year now. We were having alot of little problems that started to building up. I didn't realize what was going on. We decided that she was going to go back home for a while in another state so that we could spend some time away from the situation and think through things. I was going to join her in the spring after I got everything ready here. <P>She left the week before X-mas. X-mas day she called and said "Merry X-mas, I want a divorce". <P>Now I am here and she is there. 1500 miles away from each other. I am debating on trying to move out there like I had planned before all this. But I don't want to push her away. I know that we had a good marriage before the problems started. I know that we could work through things. She has said that she knows that we could work things out, but she doesn't want to. <P>She has told me that she is going back to her ex-boyfriend. A guy who has nothing but trouble in his background. Drugs , Alcohol, Etc. She says he treats her well. I never treated her wrong. We had some communication issues. We had things that we needed to work on and learn. But, nothing that any other couple has not gone through. It doesn't make sense that we need a divorce.<P>I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce. We can work through all this.

Welcome <B>amd-clh</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You wouldn't be here if you didn't think there was a chance...<P>Do all you can be near her...<BR>...if she rejects your presence tough...<BR>...you'll have to back down...<BR>...she's out already... and it's hard to get back in once she hooks up with old boyfriend.<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Long distance Plan As are tough...<BR>...not as effective as when you are together<BR>...but they can be done.<P>Stay and post and read and ask...<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

What do you do when she tells you to leave with your words, but then tells you something different with her actions? <P>One day she was telling me that there was no hope for us and she wanted me to leave, but a hour later after an incident that happened that reminded us both of what we wanted in our marriage, she gave me the biggest hug I have had in months (before we started having our problems) then she started to cry. Only to run away and hide a few seconds later. When she came out she was all defensive and said she was not going to change her mind.<P>It is just difficult to decide what to do when she is like that. I tried alot of the Plan A stuff, even before I knew what Plan A was. She responded but pulled away. Now I am waiting but I am getting scared. Her Ex-boyfriend/boyfriend seem to be getting close. Too close. I wish I knew something more to do. Something that would inspire what happened after that incident and hug and tears.

Consistancy... Persistance... Time...<P>...all in Plan A.<P> <P>Jim

She is 1500 miles away.

Yes...<BR>...I understand.<P>Do you have any contact with her?<BR>Will she accept your calls?.. e-mails?.. etc.?<P>If you want to save your marriage...<BR>...you may have to move out there.<P>Left by herself...<BR>...there won't be any progress.<P>If contact is allowed... then you have to Plan A!<P> <P>Jim

That is what I am going to be trying to do, but it is hard. She lives in a small town. I have a job that is dependent on a big city. It is basically career suicide. But I would rather be with my wife and our dreams and have to find another career, than have a good job and be without her.<P>Does that make sense? Or am I crazy?

Don't burn your bridges...<P>...ask for an extended leave of absence...<BR>...for personal reasons.<P> <P>Jim

That is what I am trying to do. They know about everything. They understand everything and have been supportive. They told me that I can have two months off, but I have to let them know after a month whether I'll be back or not. I wish it was an open-ended thing, but unfortunately that is the best that I can do.<P>But I guess I have one month to see if there is any way of finding something permanent out there. I don't think there is, but I won't know until I try.

Using Plan A, what do I say to her? She has told me that she doesn't want to work things out. She goes bezerk when I mention the word counseling.<P>How do I get her to see the "the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair "? How do I get her to leave someone who she thinks loves her more than I do? How do I get her to see past the times when her and I could not communicate compared to the present boyfriend who she thinks she can communicate with?

Any ideas on approaching my wife?<P>I was just told that, as of Friday, they are making me take a 1 month leave of absence here at work. I was told that my job would be here until then, after there is no guarantee.

Let me ask this...Should I just be there and not talk to her about everything, let her bring the subject up, if it comes up? I will try to find ways to be around her, but I won't make her feel like I am "stalking" her.<P>Help me to understand Plan A better.