New to all this,<BR> I'm married to an otherwise wonderful guy who has yelled, cursed and impatienced (I know, not a word) our marriage into the garbage. When I could no longer meet his needs, he found someone who could. Stopped the physical part of the affair before it could go all the way. I know he really wants to do the right thing. We are in counseling.<BR> I have given and given to this man who has hurt me so much. I didn't even realize how much. Sometimes I feel that I don't even like him. I want our marriage to survive, but I'm wondering if it will take a separation for him to really accept the need for change. It's not as if I haven't told him in the past how much his anger hurts me! But somehow the converstion always turns to what I could be doing to better meet his needs. I know I could meet his needs if he wouldn't beat me down! Right now we can't get through a single day without him getting angry at me. <BR> Yesterday he was asked by work to take medication to the OW. He called me to see what I wanted him to do. Good enough. I suggested he make an excuse as to why he couldn't do it. I suggested I could drop it off. Didn't get resentflu or angry, yet he got angry at me. What does he expect from me? He says I'm throwing thngs from the past in his face. I feel like notheing has been resolved. I feel like he needs to be making it up to me (the abuse, and the affair). He feels I should just put it behind me and behave as if it doesn't exist. He doesn't say that of course, he just has no tolerance for absorbing my pain. He's constanly turning the converstaion to what I need to be doing. <BR> Am I wrong? I feel that I have put his needs ahead of my own to a destructive extent. How and where do I draw the line?<BR>hope

Hey Hope,<BR>I have tried to never belittle my wife and try not to put down her ideas. I have however had several affairs sexual and nonsexual. This last time she actually hit me with a comment that opened my eyes. I too had hit rock bottom, I hated being dishonest and having to cover a life that I didn't want. I have stared going to a pysciatrist who along with my own awakening has led me to see that most all my wrong behavior was because of my own lack of self respect. I believe that your husband is robably like me in that respect. I hope you will continue to work with him, as I believe seperation is not USUALLY as good option. It may hurt but try to discuss how he has made you fell and let him respond. Hopefully he will see where he has hurt you both and he can change.

Have you ever considered counseling...<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>If your H won't do it...<BR>...do it yourself.<P>Before you start... download the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters Questionnaire</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>.<P>Fill it out for you...<BR>...and if your H is really interested...<BR>...have him fill it out too!<P>You have to start somewhere.<P> <P>Jim