This is my first post but I've been lurking for a couple of weeks and I've been in counselling with Steve Harley for 4 weeks. He's recommending Plan B and I know I'm going to need some support, so here I am. First I'll give some background. My H and I have been together for 19 years. He was an active addict and alcoholic for the first 10 years. After he got sober we got married and have been married for 8 years. We have owned and operated a business together for the past 6 years. Two and a half yrs ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 47. My H tried to be supportive, but was terrified that I would die and felt that he could not burden me with his fears so he turned to a 19 yr old girl who works for us for solace (I didn't know this at the time). Sex had been getting more and more infrequent and I always initiated it but it stopped completely after I got breast cancer. I had tried to talk about it, but was uncomfortable because I believed he was no longer attracted to me. During mastectomy,chemo, & radiation I put this on a back burner (mistake #1). I had reconstructive surgery a year later, which laid me up for another 6 months. By last summer, I was feeling great and glad to be alive. I decided to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and seduced my H in the hot tub. We had great sex - surprise! - but the next day all he** broke loose. He had read my journals (which I've kept since I was 18 yrs old) when I got diagnosed with BC thinking that I was keeping something from him. He became extremely jealous about an old boyfriend who I haven't seen or heard from in over 20 years but who I remember having great sex with and wrote about in the context of not having sex with H and wanting to have a sexual relationship with him (H). My H held this in for 2 yrs, meanwhile confiding in girl "friend," because he felt that he couldn't bring it up while I was in treatment. I had expressed concern about relationship with this girl, but accepted his explanation that they were just friends (mistake #2). But once the cat was out of the bag last August, I was subjected to constant verbal abuse full of the foulest language imaginable. He would yell at me at home in front of the kids, at work in front of our employees, or even in front of his parents. Several times I had to leave for my own safety. We tried counselling, but the counselor's efforts to help H calm down so that he could talk about his issues without verbal abuse were interpreted by H as counselor siding with me. He seemed unable to talk about it without losing control. Clearly he was experiencing what he had read as if I was having an affair. Nothing I could say made any difference. If I wouldn't admit I never loved H as much as old boyfriend, I was lying. Finally, after Thanksgiving, he started staying away from home. I couldn't handle that and told him he might as well leave (mistake #3). He moved in with now 21 yr old girl who left her H and 3 yr old D. They've been together ever since. She no longer works for us, but everyone else at work knows about the A and H and I still have to work together. H continued to come over to my house to verbally abuse me and go home to her. I saw a lawyer and planned to file for D and a restraining order. The night before he was set to file, I paged H in the middle of the night (I didn't have and still don't have his phone #) until he finally called me back. I allowed him to yell at me for 3 hrs, formerly I always cut him off when he was verbally abusive. He finally wound down and we've continued to talk almost every day since. I found the MB site and made an appointment for myself. H joined me, but has been erratic about keeping appts. (2 our of 4). For past 2 wks, H was over here daily, we've made love, he says he loves me, will probably always love me, but also loves OW, talks of attachment to her kid while totally neglecting ours. H and OW continue to mostly stay in hiding. The few of his friends who already know her or to whom he's tried to introduce her have not been positive (she is unattractive physically and kind of loud and immature). This past Friday, 2/2, he was here all day and called me after he left sounding depressed, not wanting to go "home" to OW, mulling over No Contact letter but worried she wouldn't not contact him, and said he'd be over Sat. first thing. He was on-call at work on Sat. and never showed up or called, I haven't heard from him since, and he missed counselling today. Here's my question. I've only been doing plan A a few short weeks. Yes, I'm getting discouraged, especially by the on and off nature of his interest in me. I'm actually feeling like the OW myself since I wait for his calls, can't call him,etc. I've written a Plan B letter (I won't include it since this is already too long), but from reading these forums, it seems like I've barely given Plan A a chance. I'd appreciate feedback on this. Thanks,

Welcome <B>LetSTry</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>I'm gald your here...<P>I wouldn't want to question Dr. Harley on his recommendation...<BR>...but if you've just started Plan A in earnest...<BR>...you should give it a try for even just a short while.<P>I have a post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> you might want to check out.<P>The issue of a continuing abusive relationship does make a Plan A very difficult to follow...<BR>...and that may be the underlying reason for Dr. Harley's recommendation...<BR>...he's the professional!<P>But if you're going to Plan A...<BR>...go for it all the way...<BR>...and very importantly... Plan A is for you...<BR>...to become a better person/W/and mother!<P>If you're going to Plan B...<BR>...take it slowly...<BR>You might want to check out a few posts I have on that as well...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>.<P><B>You are not alone</B>!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Dear LetSTry,<BR> I could have been writing your post, except for the illness (from one sister to the other, I am so sorry for your pain for the BC and the A) My story was exactly like yours, H (55) had A with employee (29) she too was not attractive (down right ugly )she was single with 3 kids. <P>I was 52, into menopause, taking care of a 17 yr.old son at home, getting over the (hit and run) death of my brother, taking care of two aging parents, gaining weight (tired of dieting for 30 yrs)didn't like myself after gaining the weight and didn't want to have sex (low to not existent libido and the way I looked) so H went to OW (she was sleeping with 2 other men at his work) and asked for sex. <P>Finally get to my point <BR>Tell me if this doesn't sound like your husband? My H thought that the 2 other men that were having sex with this girl where pigs, because they would take her out and have sex and then drop her off and "Not even buy her lunch" his words exactly. Well when he used her for sex, he was basically doing the same thing. So to not feel like the pig that he thought they were, he did more, he took her places and did things for her. Oh I think at the time he was fooling himself in to believing he loved her. That way he wouldn't feel like the pig that was using this poor girl. <BR>Is this maybe your husband? Is he a very respectable man and he normally has good values? It is possible that this girl knows this about your husband and is using this to keep him attached to her.<BR> My advice to you would be to plan A a little more, let your H see the you that he fell in love with, let him know that you love him through out the good and bad. <BR> It really does sound to me like he wants out of this A, give him time he will come out of the fog.<BR>Hope this helps just a little

Thanks for your advice,Jim, I've already read all your suggested links in preparation for this. Actually the verbal abuse has stopped, though I'm afraid if I go to Plan B it will provoke it again since not talking to my H (while he was screaming at me) was one of his pet peeves. Plan A seemed to be going very well. H was spending more and more time with me,all good, no LB'ing on my part, we were even making love (which was an issue in the past since he believed I didn't love him and then withheld sex - kind of a role reversal, huh?). During our last conversation Friday night he was actually mulling over his no contact letter to OW, but I haven't seen or heard from him since. He didn't like the idea of the NCL so my guess is he tried his own method and ended up instead with a renewal of feelings for OW. I think Steve Harley thinks I will build up too much resentment if I continue Plan A while H flip-flops between OW and me. I read a post in the notable posts section about making Plan A work for BS, not just increase resentment but I didn't get it. I'm willing to continue Plan A because Plan B scares me (feels too much like the beginning of the end). I'm faxing my Plan B letter to Steve H today and talk with him again on Thursday, so if I see H before that, I'll still be Plan A'ing for now...Any advice would be appreciated.<P>gwoodle,<BR>Yes our situations are similar, but my H's A was an EA long before it was a PA, which makes the attachment much stronger. And, he is living with her (therefore he doesn't see it as an affair), hiding out in a summer cabin at a nearby resort with a lease until May. Also, the sexual withholding came from him. Between H's apparent lack of interest in me sexually, all the scarring, instant menopause and weight gain from chemo (yes, chemo usually causes weight gain, at least in BC, a little known fact), and just my age,I didn't feel very sexually attractive. Now, thanks to the "misery diet," I've lost about 25 pounds, and counting . Can I ask you about the outcome of your H's A? Did he stop seeing OW? Any advice to help me be more patient and focused would be appreciated.

The No Contact Letter is very important...<BR>...have you seen a draft of that letter yet?<P>If it follows the basics as outlined in the SAA book... it will be OK.<P>Without a NCL...<BR>...your choices will be limited...<BR>...and in time... Plan B can be inevitable.<P>Work on yourself in the mean time...<BR>...the diet comes naturally...<BR>...I lost 40 lbs... before I recovered.<P>Focus on what activities (practical things) you can do to meet your H's needs...<BR>...to become independent (in case Plan B is required)<BR>...to rebuild your life/faith...<P>It may sound the the focus will be him...<BR>...it really isn't!<BR>...it has to be changes to <B>you</B>.<P> <P>Jim

Dear LetSTry,<BR> Yes H stop the A about 8 months after it started. In the beginning, he was secretly seeing her for about 3 months and then the day after Mothers Day in 1999 he came home and told me he was leaving me. He continued the A for 5 more months, he probably would have moved in with her, but she was a pig and she had 3 brats (his words). One day he called me ( I was trying to Plan A but I was also trying to move on, or at least let him think I was) and asked me to come out and see him, told me he had not spoken to her in two weeks. That's when our recovery started.