I will tell you that the decision to have my H leave the house was mine. After his last trip to see the ow, I could not take the indifference and the lies. He assures me he did not see her, but again I have found evidence that she was there. I cannot be here and not have any love or attention--just indifference and blatant behavior that he shows no love for me. <P>I know that he loves the kids, but after 6 months, I had had it. It is affecting me that he does not love ME. I will not accept an H just because he loves our kids, I want love, sex, touch, a laugh, talking!!!!! I derserve that. I am a good and loving person that has bent over backward to Plan A him to death with him just cruising a long in the fog. <P>He has been out for three days. But ever since he moved out, he does not call the house. He asks at choir if he should see the kids---he is acting like a guilty X, that is the wounded one. I am not hiding our seperation, I think he might be. Too bad, if he is going to remain in our circles. I am so relieved he is out, even though I miss him like the dickens. I cry at least once a day, so do the kids. But it is best. <P>The problem is, how should I treat him now?? Should I show him the indeifference he has showed me? Should I stil shower him with love even though it is I who asked him to leave? Or should I just leve it to God and act as I feel like acting when he is around?<P>I read the book, but Harley doesn't really go into the modified plan A, that so many of us try here. I don't want to throw away all the effort(although fruitless)I have put in for the last six months, but I also need the peace of not feeling abandoned day after day. Of having hopes die day after day, or to go another day with the emotional abuse of no touching, tenderness or love I have been living with for two years. I am so much better than that. I deserve everything I hope for. I have earned it, even if my H does not see it.<P>What do I do, all you Gurus that have been doing this for a while?? Please respond. I really want to save my marriage, but I need a break from him. But I want to handle this in the right way, but cannot come up with anything. HELP!<P>Beth

Burnedspouse-I don't have much time now, but I will write you more later. . I'm also Plan A'ing while living separately. Actually it's going pretty well for me so far.<P>Hang in there, I'll write you more later!

This concept of a modified Plan A...<BR>...I never really thought was all that appropriate.<P>(I had <B><I>true</I></B> Plan A'ed for 16+ months... virtually <B>all</B> of it long-distance/low-contact...<BR>...and it wore me down... now I'm coming to the end of the first month of a <B><I>true</I></B> Plan B)<P>I understand that with kids...<BR>...Plan B becomes very hard...<BR>...but to avoid a long drawn out fence sitting by yout H...<BR>...consider a true-er Plan B.<P>Otherwise...<BR>...if this is really not doable...<P>Then sit down with your H...<BR>...preferrably face to face...<BR>...be honest...<BR>...and let him know the pain is too great...<BR>...the status quo cannot go on...<BR>...and a permanent separation is in the near future.<P>Say it honestly...<BR>...say it lovingly...<BR>...but do say it!<P>Don't let this change go untold to him...<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

I am with Jim on this one. I do not agree with a "modified Plan A." You have been in this too long and your H is sitting on that fence. Consider Plan B before you lose your love for your H. With the Plan B letter, at least he will know why you are doing it, and he can make the decision (on his own), whether or not he wants to reconcile.

Burnedspouse-I just read the replys you've gotten. .I guess you've been doing this for alot longer than I have, and maybe my situation does not apply to you. . . <P>Maybe this separation is what he needs to make him really think about what he might lose?? Maybe just continue Plan A for a little while longer now that he's gone & is getting a taste of "real life" w/out you? I can't answer that for you, and again I don't know your whole story.<P>I know for me, I didn't even START plan A until after he left. That's when I found MB (saving my life, BTW). And since then I've seen a little progress, small baby steps, but I see them. I'm WAY new here, not trying to tell you anything you don't already know but I guess I'm just trying to say that Plan A can work even if they're not here. (So sorry for not knowing your whole story, hope this applies).<P>

Burnedspouse,<BR>I agree with Jim, a modified Plan A is just allowing your H to continue with the A and you are still getting hurt. I could only stand Plan A for about 4 mos., but my situation involved a pregnancy by OM. If you want to keep from continuing to get hurt, you need to start a Plan B. If your H is on the fence, this might just pull him back to your side if you show him that you can't continue to let him hurt you. I have been in Plan B for almost 2 mos. and I am glad I did it. The first couple of weeks were really hard, but since then I have really made strides in myself and still have love for my W if she decides to come back. The OC is here now and I still feel like I can accept this responsibility, but again, the ball is in my W's court. If you don't want your H to keep draining away your love, you need to seriously consider Plan B.<BR>God Bless you,<BR>Floored

Thanks for the replies. I guess it is unanimous--Plan B is called for. The problem is, I was not considering that when I asked him to leave, and I am not sure I really know how to do it. I have already kicked him out, now with the Plan B letter(he would not be expecting) I am afraid he will think I have given up, and that I did not mean what I said about wanting our marriage to work, and that I would be here for him if he got rid of the ow, and returned to work on our marriage.<P>He is so sensitive, he rarely gets it. I talk too much and he zones out. Even in a letter, he just skims through until he picks out what it is saying against him, or what he thinks is against him. I don't know. I still get the feeling, as I have had since discovery, that he wants me to end the marriage, so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. I am not willing to give him an excuse. Though kicking him out even with the promise of saving my feelings forhim, was a bold step. I am afraid to push it as it is.<P>Though, he has not called since he left. He sent me one email to inform me of some charges, and he was quite embarrassed when we met at choir. I guess I am acting aloof, but I am just trying to get used to living without a man in the house. It is quite a shock as it approaches the number of days he is usually gone on a business trip. That is going to be the test for me. Of course he is probably in shock living where he is after 8 years in this house.<P>It is going to take some real thinking on this and talking about it with my therapist too. This is a big step that I was not really counting on at this time...am I really ready? I'm too scared to know right now.<P>Beth

Hi Beth...<P>Do discuss this with your therapist...<P>If you can...<BR>...also discuss it with Dr. Harley as well...<BR>...I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>You may want to check out my posts...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A><P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / [url=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html]NSR[/url