Hello everyone - I've been lurking, this is my first post. It's nice to read the support everyone gives to one another.<P>My situation- It's been 4 mo since D-Day (10 month very intense EA and PA). My H (WS) has acknowledged, especially the last month, the following:<BR> - that his actions were stupid<BR> - that he gave up on our marriage and should not have<BR> - that he hates himself and has no self respect<BR> - that he is very angry at me for not meeting specific ENs (guess which one :0 )<BR> - that he doesn't know if he can trust me in my 'new' promises of changing...I've never kept my promises before (of changing myself to meet his EN's...I always try, but his LB'ing, I would quit...of course, I didn't KNOW or UNDERSTAND THE IMPACT of these terms and concepts back then!)<BR> - he is having a hard time fully embracing recovery<BR> - that he is in withdrawal, and everytime he sees her (at work, even though they try to avoid each other), it probably does set him back<BR> - that he's not sure if he loves her; she isn't the type of woman he would want to be with<BR> - that he misses her terribly<BR> - he struggles on some days NOT to make up a reason to talk with her - he fights this urge probably daily and is winning so far.<BR> - that he has the most respect for me that he ever has had (we've been together 13 years), because of how I have handled the situation<BR> - that he has the LEAST amount of intimacy he has ever had for me (doesn't sound good for the home team)<P>He is struggling...he wants this (wd)to end. He wants to run away, and I keep encouraging him (I am definitely in Plan A) to hang in there, things will get better. I have not LB'd since D-Day (soooo soooo hard!) <P>He has asked questions about all the books I've been reading; he is listening. I've told him his reactions are getting better, but he doesn't see / feel it. <P>He has told me without my strength he wouldn't have the strength to keep trying. He has thanked me several times for my reactions and said I am a class act. (That is what keeps ME going).<P><<BY THE WAY...THANKS TO ALL OF YOU...your encouragement on these boards has helped me MUCH !>>><P>He wants to know when it will end. He is going out of his mind.<P>HERE IS THE QUESTION:<BR>What other things can I keep saying to him to keep encouraging him until the majority of withdrawal is over? <P>I know it will be several more months, I just need some 'fresh' ideas.<P>Thanks all !<BR>SA<p>[This message has been edited by SoAngry (edited February 10, 2001).]

Hello So Angry,<P>Let me encourage you to say that you are doing a great job just "being there" for him. Encouraging him and loving him. Truely that is about the only thing you can continue to do for now. The withdrawal stage is something only the Betrayer can go through "alone". As long as you are able to uphold him he should start to come around in asking questions, revealing thoughts ect ect. The next best thing ofcourse is to make sure that YOU are meeting his needs to the best of your ability. I do not think for a minute that ONE person can meet ALL needs ALL of the time. Have you both done that emotional needs questionaire? Do you know what he is lacking that he stepped out the door??<P>The loss of intmacy with you really has NOTHING to do with YOU. It has to do with dealing with the loss of respect for yourself! The live with the fact that you betrayed your spouse, you feel dirty, bad, sad and angry all at the same time!! It just takes time to work through that. I have seen posts through here that people are able to renew their intimacy with each other quickly, but it has been a year and I (i am the betrayer) still have a tough time in that area.<P>Any.....and i mean ANY contact with OP sets the betrayer back...as time goes on the set backs are not quite so bad.<P>learning to trust your spouse who ahs not met needs...(ofcourse i do nto know you) and breaks promises... is one of the hardest things to do..and it the utmost important part of recovery.<P>Running away from the situatin sounds sooooo heavanly..... just to disapear.. luxury...the only bad part is.. it is waiting for you somewhere down the road and you ahve to face it sometime. It doesn't change anything. And quite frankly if you do not face up to what you ahve done (rather..he face up to what he has done) then he will carry that self loathing and inablitly to have a healthy relatiohship with him.<P>Hang on there.... there is recovery out there...you just have to work for it.<P>mercy

i took over six months for me to get to the place where i didn't want to talk to OW (she was my best friend i cried for hours about the loss of her as a friend) and she and i both left the company where we had worked and i never saw her again. being around her has to be agonizing for both of you. <P>i hear that he tells you or "has acknowledged" a bunch of stuff is he showing you through action the same? <P>i didnt see a promise from him to meet your EM's your cup runnith over?<P>tips: <BR>act loving even if you do not feel loving, <P>i would have much more rapidly gotten to this place if my W could have been sexual with me. (hard to ask i know) but it really is the most and by far the most important thing for me. without it nothing you could do would feel loving. no amount of careing no amount of nurturing replaces it.<P>and it is still the thing that most threaten our marriage today.<P>by the way once she and i fianally became at least a little active (still very scarce) she became much much more beautiful to me not hard and critical but soft and warm same girl different relationship.<P><P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

mercy: Thanks for your words of encouragement. It helps to know that the 'intimacy feeling' thing has more to do about his feelings for HIMSELF than me. Wow. I haven't felt that we are ready for the EN questionnaire until - maybe - the last couple of weeks. Maybe we'll give it a shot. <P>chazbutler: I have some more ?s for you...do you mind? sorry if they are silly..<P>1) you say "i hear that he tells you or "has acknowledged" a bunch of stuff is he showing you through action the same?" <BR> ?? By what types of actions? I think so, but maybe I'm missing something.<P>2) you say " i didnt see a promise from him to meet your EM's your cup runnith over?"<P>??..my EM's (do you mean EN's?): we haven't completed the EN form yet...that may help us id them ?<P>?? what do you mean by "your cup runnith over"?<P>3) we are intimate...but he says he feels nothing...he is just going through the motions. His heart is 'locked away'. Is it possible that I could still have a chance at fulfilling his EN sexually, even though he doesn't 'feel' anything?<P>Thanks for the tips...I am trying !<BR>SA<P>

Mercy:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The loss of intmacy with you really has NOTHING to do with YOU. It has to do with dealing with the loss of respect for yourself! The live with the fact that you betrayed your spouse, you feel dirty, bad, sad and angry all at the same time!! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am also facing this. But the difference is my H affair was short lived and has been over for 1-1/2 years. I don't think my H's withdrawal from me became really bad until a few months ago. He told me that he cares for me, doesn't want to see any harm come to me, but no longer feels in love or has any desire for sex. Up until recently we always had a great sex life (not his reason for affair). I have always seen this on the boards as quilt but since it has been so long since d-day and the A I am not sure if it is quilt. Do you or anyone else have any other thoughts on this. <P>SoAngry:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>- that he doesn't know if he can trust me in my 'new' promises of changing...I've never kept my promises before (of changing myself to meet his EN's...I always try, but his LB'ing, I would quit...of course, I didn't KNOW or UNDERSTAND THE IMPACT of these terms and concepts back then!)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm facing the exact same issue. It's a tough one but it sounds like you are doing good and H recognizes your growth. <p>[This message has been edited by Mischievous Me (edited February 12, 2001).]

never would i ever think a question in this situation is silly!<P>What i mean about action is that it is one thing to verbalize a promise to act or do somthing, it is quite another to actually do it. In the day to day of your lives together is he responding to your requests for well for whatever, i cant put words in your mouth, but you gave big list of stuff in your original post, do the things he does match up. does he put his actions where his mouth is. does he ensure that he caters to your feeling in reguard to what has happened? <P>yes i meant EN's, and your original post didnt give me the idea that whether you had completed the worksheet or not he was committing to meet you EN's, i was questioning whether your position is that he has been meeting you EN's that your life was somehow full or overflowing with satisfaction in this reguard.<P>My wife and i had actually done the EN worksheet before d-day, and i question her answers as i dont think she was honest then, how could she have been so satisfied with our lives together if i was sooo miserable!<P>anyway, i went to extream measures to ensure that my wife knew that i meant what i said and i showed her that through action. <P>as far as meeting his EN's sexually when he claims to only be going through the motions, hmm my gut reaction is that he does feel your closeness, your willingness to work with him, that he feel guilt in the process is also very likely, i would say that for me an increase in communication about the reasons to be sexual, the opportunity for you to declare to him that you understand this to be an important need for him and that you want to be the one to fulfill it. (would help if he has identified it as an important EN, it might not be). encourage him to read the HN HN book and do the worksheet, give him permission to be honest make sure he understands that you are prepared to work with what he really feels.<P>dont think that you know find out what he really needs, and become the expert at providing it.<P>there are a couple of things that i did to try and expidite the process of "getting over the OW" one was i truely made it impossible for us to see each other, and when i felt the urge to see or talk to her, i called my wife and used the energy to tell her how beautiful i thought she was (even though i hated her!) i wrote notes, i called, e-mailed, it showed her my commitment, it communicated my whereabouts, she didnt have to worry for at least that moment that i was communicating with OW, and i could tell she liked me paying more attention to her. she saved all the notes, and e-mails.<P>the only thing that almost stopped it was that She did not respond in kind. had she i think she would still be getting buried with that kind of affection.<P>i am proud of you in that you are ecouraging you husband, dont forget to hold him accountable for his actions. have you figured out what is was hes was getting out of that relationship that was not being met by you? <P>oh and by the way, while i was having the A, i wasnt trust worthy, i had created a situation that made it ok to lie. while i had every intention of making my marriage work and i had promised to do everything neccessary, i was difficult to be literally honest with my wife, dont get me wrong, it was actually easy to be honest about the A, and even about my feeling for the OW. but being honest about how if felt about my wife and our marriage well lets say that i am still working on that.<P>in loving survice<BR>chaz

Thank you so much for sharing your comments and situation. Your situation sounds so familar to me. My husband is going through extreme withdraw right now and every day is a struggle for him as well as me. I have a hard time being there for him and depositing lbs. So times it is all I can do to keep from withdrawing the lbs and withdrawing from him.