Hello:<BR>I spoke to S. Harley today.<P>His suggestion:<BR>write a letter regarding my attempts to show that I am making efforts to change-to meet ws needs-I am partly respon. for situation leading up to affair-I want to reconcile--I am hurt by affair, etc.<P>Here is my letter:<P>Dear Husband:<P>I apologize for my part in bringing about an atmosphere that made this affair a reality.<BR>At times, I behaved/acted in ways w/o under-standing my responsibility to meet your most important emot. needs.<BR>During this separation, I am making a serious effort to examine myself. With deep resolve and honesty, I am trying to improve myself in positive ways. I want to be able to meet your needs. I want to rebuild our marriage.<BR>This separation continues to be very difficult for me as I have endured much pain knowing you are with another person.<BR>I love you, Elizabeth<P>Too long? Too short? too wordy?<BR>Any suggestions on what to add/delete?<P>Due to my husband's decision to abandon us, <BR>we are all in financial devastation. I am convinced that my h. is not telling his mother the entire truth. She wrote and told me aht his life is perfectly normal and my is a mess! Mr. Harley told me that I need to call her; approach her and ask for advice on what to do about the financial situation. <P>I am hesitant and cautious about calling her.<BR>Any opinions-pro/con.Suggestions.<P>I want to send this letter to my h. asap.<BR>Should I expect nothing--to be on the safe side?<P>He has to want to make it work. Like Mr. Harley said: double whamy--alcohol and affair--tough safe to crack. Many obstacles to overcome first for him and then for us. Pessimistic? <P>I continue to hope for a positive outcome and prepare for the worst. He still hasn't filed again since he already filed 2x and stopped 2x. I am convinced that there is pressure from ow. His ambivalence might pay off if I am patient. Perhaps my letter might begin to make him consider opening the lines of communication--so I can begin to show my thoughtfulness and lay ground work that could possibly make him feel safe to consider wanting to move in the direction of reconciliation. First, he has to give up affair. If not, I can only hope for it to finally die a natural death.<P>Affairs die a natural death. What usually kills it is that it dies from the blows of lies and deception--the very things that gave its birth. When the realities of life chip away at the passion that keeps affair thriving. When the affair is no longer worth the trouble. When the affair can no longer compensate what one loses in the marriage. I keep grasping at all of these straws. A mistake? <P>As long as he is in the fog along with the op (his drinking partner), he will continue to convince himself that he can handle all his problems.<P>Since he does not make any genuine concerted effort to see our children, he continues to live in his bubble with "that wonderful person" who looks so perfect (bumper sticker I saw once: Drink til they are cute!) Should I do anything to encourage him to see them? Steve H. says no pressure.<BR>Agree/disagree. Would be a real life problem that might begin to penetrate the defense armor and diminish the passsion--time with our children is time not spent with op. <P>My prayers are with all of you -esp. those who have replied to me. So thoughtful of you. HOpe I am not too selfish. So many questions.<P>Looking to forward to hearing from you.<P>elo<P><BR>

elo,<P>The letter is a good letter...<BR>You can include that you've started counseling... with the Harley's.<P>Since you've just started...<BR>...it is hard to list specifics on how you've improved...<BR>...but that will come in time too.<P>Since your MIL knows something...<BR>...but not the truth...<BR>...it is better to clear her up.<P>Always keep your expectations low.<P>About H seeing the kids...<BR>...Dr. Harley is right in "no pressure"...<BR>...but you can most certainly ask if he'd like to see them<BR>...they too can send <I>your</I> message to your H... in some cases more effective than you could.<P>You will continue to have my prayers.<P> <P>Jim

Hi,<P>I thought I would answere you here, you might want to move to the GQ board as there is alot more poeple there to respond and do a post of your own story.<P>I thought your letter was quite good. I have been sending more general letters, we have no children, but just general updates on the house and my life. No pressure, no relationship talk. I probably do them about 2times a month. If you have children I am sure you could fit in some nice little stories about them to tug at his heartstrings. <P>You are right about haveing no expectations and just giving it time. I'm not sure how long the affair has been going on, but my H is at the 2 year mark right now and it is starting to not be all rosey. I am trying to let him contact me, show him I am safe to talk to, not push. I have kept in touch with his family and they are a source of support for me. I dont know what your relationship with them was previously, but I think asking for help as Steve suggested would be a good idea. You have to keep working on those changes in yourself for yourself, not just to show him or else they are not that real. Hang in there and keep posting,<BR>Lora

elo,<BR>I'm sorry I'm late with the reply you requested, I'm an oldtimer and don't always check on more than once or twice a day.<P>I think your letter is fine. During our early separations, my H & I sent almost daily emails. Just "hi, thinking about you". But my H never seemed to mind hearing from me, though I know it was confusing for him, wanting out of the marriage, yet wanting to know the kids & I were fine.<P>A line I like to include, and it is the truth, "I want to be the wife you need." Always remember, you can't change him, you can only change you.<P>I'm sorry you are in such a tough spot.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Just my two cents.<P>I wouldn't expect a response. I never get any sort of response from my h when I give him letters but at least I know that I have been honest with him and he knows how I feel.<P>Your comment about affairs dying because of the lies and deception are 100% true in my case. D day was over two years ago. He has been living in an apt. for 18 months and swearing that affair was over but he just wasn't ready to come home. In January I spoke to ow and she was still in the picture believing that we were divorcing and she had a future with my h. After several conversations with her she decided and informed me that she was done with him. Whether that is still the case I don't know. We are in plan b no and the only things we talk about revolve around the kids.<P>All I can tell you is don't expect any miracles very soon. You'll just set yourself up for disappointment. I know from experience.<P>Hoping