I came to find out that my wife was having an affair, she went out abruptly one night and came back home very late smelling of another man's collogne. I knew something was wrong from her hasty departure and cool demeanor for the few days before. I then found an email trail on her computer that floored me... talk of babies, sex and romance. We are 13 years into marriage with three kids in school. I never saw this coming- as blind as I was.<P>So I arranged counceling the next day... she actually went but it was cold. She asked for space and I asked that she not go do what she did last night (until the next session at least). So I spent 3 days in pleading pathatic mode and total smother mode. On the forth day I found some center and sent her an email detailing my position (wanting our marriage and her happiness and what's best for the kids etc. and I said that I set her free.) All this time she was sending passionate emails to the OM with fantasy details of their new future together.<P>This is when I went into plan A before I even discovered this site-- well and version of it. But I still kept seeking validation from her which made things worse. And after the second counceling session she went out many nights and did not return home until morning, just before the kids got up. Such pain I have never endured!!<P>Finally I found out she was pregnant! Ouch!! So I decided to call the OM's wife (getting her name from emails I saw). She said he served her papers a few days before and they had kids from 4 years of marriage. She sketched for me a man who is more selfish than I ever could be-- she described a guy who was worse at all the things my wife had always complained about me!! This is when I knew she was not living in reality.<P>Well two weeks later she terminated the pregnancy, with the OM and w/o even telling me! But she said also that she told him goodbye. Meanwhile the kids and neighbors and most of the family does not even know there is a problem. We are gracious in front of the kids and she has persued many of her activities with the kids and school functions-- including a dinner party at our house which was great-- until everyone went home and she was as cold as ever.<P>Yet she wont even hold my hand, although we sleep in the same bed there is no touching.<P>So now the big climax.. starting the fifth week, after a weekend where plan A seemed to be working to some degree-- more friendly chat and such. Then the next night she goes out to a late movie after the kids were put in bed. My stomach started churning and I just couldn't take it. I called the OM's wife and she called him and found out indirectly that he was indeed seeing her that night.<P>Here I believe I may have made a fatal mistake. I had an idea of which movie and theater they went to-- so I went found them and confronted them.<P>The OM did not say much, he just got up and left and would not talk to me. This was the first time I had seen him in person. My WS just remained in the theater so I sar down and we finished the movie. Then we had words in the parking lot. She told me that he said after this incident that they were through. She drove her own car home a didn't get back until two hours later. Then she slept on the couch-- a sign of further withdrawl??<P>She said she hated me and that the OM had left for good... and that a divorce is all she can see now.<P>But, she got up before the kids did so they did not know she slept on the couch.<P>I think she knows that she and the OM do not have a future-- but she needs his affection. I have had not so much as a hand shake for 5 weeks. <P>Is plan A still doable?? If he is really out of the picture could this be at all good? I told her that I could not be the kind of guy she would want to return to under these jealous and intense emotions that her infidelity bring on me. I guess I'm just not strong enough. <P>Is he out of the picture?? Will she move out when she has gone through so much to hide all this from the kids??<P>Now I can't eat or sleep again -- just like the few initial nights.<P>Help!!!!! <BR>

Welcome <B>spock</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You're early in this whole thing...<P>Go back to Plan A...<P>1. apologize for the "movie" incident<BR>2. start counseling<BR>3. try meeting some of her basic Emotional needs!<P>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A><p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 06, 2001).]

Thanks for the info NSR--<P>Yes I have apologized for the movie incident...<P>I first sought couceling the very day after I found out that night 5 weeks ago. She went twice and I've gone 3 times w/o her since. Not as useful as this website actually.<P>I also have some support from counceling available at my work which got me through the first few days of hell...<P>I have had two phone calls with Steve, and my WS actually called him with an appointment I had made. So I just worry about the cost a bit-- but I keep telling myself its peanuts compared to the alternative of D.<P>So today she has calmed down over this incident, and it does look like the OM has feld due to excessive baggage (me). I had spoken to him in a civil manner twice on the phone over the course of the past few weeks and my initial question to him was "Do you really want to be married to me?-- because along with my WS, my kids and I will always be a part of your life".. this gave him pause!<P>As far as meeting her basic emotional needs... she is in such withdrawl that this is very difficult. What I have done is pick up a huge portion of the domestic chores, and focused heavily on the children's needs and participated at the fullest level in their lives. In fact the hardest thing I have ever done was to go to a camp with my daughter the weekend after D-day... I knew she would be with the OM for quite some of it, but knew I had to go with my daughter and "let her have space"... set it free and if it comes back it's yours... the trip was fun for me as a father but also the most painful expression of love I have ever known.<P>I guess my biggest question is how did I contribute to all this? I mean I have some idea of the LBs I was engaging in, and I can see the EMs that I did not fulfill for her-- but this affair just seems like such an overreaction!<P>But I can sweat this later-- right now she has absolutely no motivation to work on our relationship...she can be so stuborn. I guess there is hope-- she has agreed to fill out the LB and EM questionairres for Steve. This gives me some dim hope. At the same time is seems obvious that she has no remorse for her affair and would see the OM again if he hadn't fled.<P>It just kills me not to have my arms around her at night as I have for 13 years... I hope I have the patience to wait for her.<P><BR>

Sorry to hear what your going through. Your situation sounds like mine, only reversed. My H is still in his A - started mid-Dec. He finally in so many words told me about 4 weeks ago. He refuses to stop seing her, says he will eventually leave to be with her. Says he won't leave now because it would mean financial ruin. He refuses counseling, so I'm quite sure he wouldn't consider filling out the EN and LB questionnaire. I thought I was doing okay until this weekend - I am plagued with thoughts and mental images of them together and can't seem to push them aside. Initially, he too said no touching of any kind. Now he allows me to cuddle briefly when we are in bed and lets me kiss him goodbye. Sometimes he initiates a kiss but I think it might be either the benefit of the kids or he feels it makes me feel better - not because he really feels a desire. He says we have to pretend for the sake of the kids, at least until he can leave. <BR> I imagine the pregnancy really hurt - I feel for you. MY H had vasectomy 5 hrs ago. I have not contacted OW, but at times I am really tempted. To find out if she feels as strongly about him as he seems to about her. I guess I'm afraid to because I may not like the answer and it would an awful lot. She is single, 26 yrs old (my H is 38)w/no obligations, lives with her parents. Thought maybe her parents might like to know she is with a married man. But, Jim said to try not to have any contact with her or her family - maybe it would be a huge LB. I don't think what she goes through to hide it from the kids will matter if she really wants to leave. I guess I don't have much advice - I'm just as new to this as you are, but I do think that Plan A is doable. Some days I feel like it is working and other I don't, but I guess that is typical too. My H seems to be developing a pattern. He stayed home to do the family pizza and movie thing last night - even cleaned house before I got home (seldom ever did that before) and he actually hugged and kissed me (a show for the kids?) Was being very pleasant with the exception a couple little nasty comments. Then when we got into bed he said he needed beer $ for the next night - as in I'm going out with HER. I wonder if when he plans to see her has to do good things at home and for me to apease his guilt? Don't know if that is a good sign or not, but I'd like to think it is.<P>Sorry this got so long and mostly about my situation but wanted send you a reply. It is disappointing to post and get no replies. Hang there and really hope it gets better for you.<P>Darlene