I married my husband for 15+ years and we have two very wonderful daughters (12 and 4). <P>I have always think we have a good marriage and all our friends think so too, especially they think I am a good wife and he is a very lucky man in all aspects. We knew each other while in the same college, and we went to graduate school together too. We loved each other very much. Now we both work in the computer technology/IT field. I have always thought my husband was an honest and decent man. The idea of betrayal and lie has never occurred to me and I trusted him completely. His job requires him to travel a lot. And for the last two years, the travel has become very intense and frequent, as I joked that he is out of town 4 weeks out of every month. And indeed sometimes he stayed out of town several weeks in a roll. And gradually, I have virtually become a single parent, juggling between my job and all household responsibilities (grocery shopping, cooking, washing, kids school registrations and parent-teacher conferences, taking kids to doctors and piano lessons and other places, paying bills, file taxes, taking care of family financials, maintaining a large house, arrange family vacations and entertainment, etc), while his responsibilities at home has been reduced to changing light bulbs. But I never complaint about it at all, because I think his job is more demanding and bears more responsibilities, so I was happy to be able to off-set household responsibilities and be a good helper to him, it made me feel useful, and his intense travel has not made me suspicious of his affair at all, and Yes there were hints (strange phone calls), but I didn’t pay much attention. <P>But he has become more and more indifferent to me and virtually spend no time with me and kids, and when he did come home from trips, he didn’t show much affection to me, nor spend time with family, rather goes to office to "work", and miss family dinners. The kids and I missed him so much, my elder daughter’s first item for Christmas Wish has been Daddy spend the Christmas Day, a "whole" day at home, it’s such a luxurious to her, and yet he failed to meet that wish ! Again I was not suspicious, and instead I thought he maybe too busy and tired. It became worse and worse and I started to become more and more frustrated and unhappy. So maybe at that point, which was early last September, he feels he could not hide it anymore, so on one dark night, while I was sitting on a chair in the bedroom holding my sleeping younger daughter in my arms, he revealed his affair with a young woman to me, and he said that he loves her. But he refused to answer any more questions I asked, and acting very offended to my questions. I knew her, and I could figure out myself that the affair had lasted for about two years, when the affair started, she was only 19. Now she is 21 and my husband is nearly 40, she used to live in our city, but has moved to another state to attend college, although they are not in the same city, they see each other and live together when my husband went on business trips, that explained why my husband had such intense travel and didn’t come home for weekends, and indeed it explained everything that I had been so frustrated and unhappy about, in a strange way I was relieved because I found the root to my unbearable frustration and heart sinking sadness. I was very shocked, and angry when I heard about the affair, and my first response was to leave him, but then I asked him to reconcile and I was willing to forgive and forget if he promise not to see the woman again, but he said he couldn’t, and he wanted to leave me, and will (generously) leave the house and everything to me. So not only he had a long and intense affair, but he wanted to leave me and the children, that hurt me very deeply. I couldn’t make sense out of this and felt a terrible sense of betrayal and failure. <P>I went through hell since that dark night, I had to put up with that woman invasively and tirelessly calling my husband days and nights, anytime, anywhere, for as long as she wanted, and my husband made a few trips to see her (and have sex with her) either against my wills or secretly, and I had a scare she got pregnant which turned out to be a false alarm later, I cannot concentrate on work and feel very fatigue to handle all the responsibilities. My husband continues to travel a lot and recently is working in China for 4 months so we don’t have much time together to talk or do any recovery. I had many sleepless nights crying, I talked to him, and I said that I would kill him and her and myself if they get married. I felt all the talks were fruitless, and he blamed me for all the problems he feels in the marriage and yet never communicated to me, and he said that the affair is a result and not a cause for our marital problems, and he did not express remorse over what he did to me, and never asked for forgiveness, and indeed he does not seem to think what happened was that bad, but he did change his decision and said he would save our marriage for the sake of kids, although he may regret his decision and miss that young woman for the rest of his life. But he did not promise not to see her or talk to her, that has been the sticky point for the last 6 months since he revealed the affair. And I have become very desperate over this, and sometimes I think is this worth it ? A divorce may not be that terrible after all if not for kids, but I promised my daughter I will try everything and not give up, I cannot let her down. Deep down, I still love my husband, and sincerely think we can bring love back to the marriage at least from my side, I am willing and able to do anything to fix it if he tells me what he likes and doesn’t like. But I cannot stand he still loves that woman and continue talk with her regularly (perhaps more than I talk with him), and also see her if there is a chance which is very high since he still goes out of town often. <P>There has been a lot of back and forth and broken promises, and surprises over the issue of completely and permanently cut contact with that woman, so now, he does not want to promise that anymore, saying he does not want anything bad happen to her since she is quite unstable and has no one to talk to (or rather no one she is willing to talk to except my husband). I recently called that young woman, and she doesn’t think what happened was immoral or illegal and doesn’t feel sorry about it at all. She insulted and hurt me and expressed deep disrespect to marriage, saying it’s only a piece of paper that I have while she has my husband’s heart. She won’t let go of my husband and she does not intend to marry anyone else in the future except my husband, and even if she cannot marry my husband, she will still see him, but she was angry that my husband broke his promise to divorce me and marry her, and she hates him for that and her hatred is as deep as her love for him. And she also said she will do anything including suicide to make my husband see her whenever she feels like, and said she already had one attempted suicide and went to hospital as a result so it will continue to be an effective means for her. And additionally, she will continue to try to get pregnant with my husband … <P>So much for the story, it’s a relief for me to say it all in one piece (have tried to be as brief as possible without a lot of details, and still sorry for its length. I just found this site a couple of days ago and read a lot of posts and articles, and found it to be very supportive and informative). Now I have a few important questions that have been on my mind for a long time: <P>1. Do you think it’s a legitimate reason my husband cannot cut off all contacts with her due to her suicide threat ? Or he is just fooling me using that as an excuse ? <P>2. Do you think it is practically possible to stop my husband from talking to her which will sure leads to seeing her, since there are so many means of communication nowadays (cell phone, phone card, pager, voice messaging, emails) etc. I lost any idea and think only my husband can make the decision and stop all contacts. <BR> <BR>3. Is it legal for that woman to use suicide to threaten my husband forcing him to go to see her (for the purpose of having sexual relationship) even if they had affair ? Is that considered blackmailing ? Will police interfere in some way if it happen again in the future since we don’t want her to hurt herself ? Can we put her into mental institution if she does that again ? Anything we can do about it ?<BR> <BR>4. It is sure immoral, and I also think it is illegal for a married man to have sexual relationship with other woman, do you think it’s illegal ? If so, will he be punished if caught ? <P>5. Should I go Plan B ? And what steps is involved and how to avoid any mistakes there ?<P>Any response, opinion, advice is greatly appreciated, and Thanks very much if you read this far !<BR>

nobodysgirl...<P>Sorry you're not getting much in the way of responses...<BR>...must be a slow weekend...<P>1. Do you think it’s a legitimate reason my husband cannot cut off all contacts with her due to her suicide threat ? Or he is just fooling me using that as an excuse ? <BR><B>Whether its and excuse or not...<BR>...all you can really do is offer some suggestion of a helpline</B>...<BR><A HREF="http://suicidal.com/suicidecrisiscenter/" TARGET=_blank>Suicide Crisis Center... 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.suicide.html/" TARGET=_blank>Suicide and Suicide Prevention</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.newlife.com/info.asp#gethelp" TARGET=_blank>1-800-NEW-LIFE</A><P>2. Do you think it is practically possible to stop my husband from talking to her which will sure leads to seeing her, since there are so many means of communication nowadays (cell phone, phone card, pager, voice messaging, emails) etc. I lost any idea and think only my husband can make the decision and stop all contacts. <BR><B>His decision to stop contact must be HIS decision...<BR>...there is little you can do to coerce him to stop!</B> <P>3. Is it legal for that woman to use suicide to threaten my husband forcing him to go to see her (for the purpose of having sexual relationship) even if they had affair ? Is that considered blackmailing ? Will police interfere in some way if it happen again in the future since we don’t want her to hurt herself ? Can we put her into mental institution if she does that again ? Anything we can do about it ?<BR><B>suicide is illegal in (almost) all states...<BR>...of course it is a form of blackmailing as well...<BR>...instead of calling the police... I'd recommend the hotlines I've listed above... it they recommend police involvement... then do it! </B><P>4. It is sure immoral, and I also think it is illegal for a married man to have sexual relationship with other woman, do you think it’s illegal ? If so, will he be punished if caught ?<BR><B>immoral...yes<BR>sinful...yes<BR>evil...yes<BR>against God's will...yes<BR>harmful to children...DEFINITELY yes<BR>illegal...(VERY SADLY)...NO</B><BR>An more sadly... if you go to divorce... it will have virtually no consideration in any of the divorce proceedings... except to be a grounds for divorce(in some states) <P>5. Should I go Plan B ? And what steps is involved and how to avoid any mistakes there ?<BR><B>In general... stick with Plan A as long as you can</B>!<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Dear Friend,<P>It is very helpful to know what I can as well as cannot do. Thanks for the information. I will sure follow through. I have made appointment with Steve Harley. And Yes I will try Plan A first, I wish I found this site earlier, but I hope it’s not too late. To me Plan B is the last resort which will likely lead to Divorce, if Plan A does not work, will Plan B ? I doubt. Do you know the success rate of Plan B ? Just curious. Thanks again !<BR>