Hello All,<P>I just finished my last session with Steve Harley before I go into Plan B in just a few days. He reviewed the rough draft of my letter, and at his suggestion I am submitting it to the board for your review, questions or comments. Some of it was modeled after the sample Plan B letters that NSR had suggested I look at, but most of it came from my heart:<P>Dear Wife,<P>I wanted to avoid writing this letter at all costs. I had hoped for quite a while now that it would never be needed, that somehow we could find a way to end this horrible nightmare that has infected our marriage. The decision I now make is out of necessity to spare what love I have for you.<P>I have made many mistakes in our past together and cannot change what has happened or take them back. I should have been more understanding when you needed conversation at night instead of becoming that "lump" on the couch. When you took up your interset in astronomy, I should have become more a recreational part of your life because it was a lifelong interest of mine as well. I should have been more receptive of your need of physical love and affection. I now know those are two completely different things. But most of all, I really should have been there for you these last few years when you were going through the emotional dilemma of the affair you are now in. I cannot even begin to describe how much I regret that.<P>Through all of these sessions I have been taking, the reading of many books, and many long lonely nights of soul searching, I have been able to recognize these errors in judgement and action or inaction. The depth of my understanding of these failings has taken me to honestly and with great effort to take steps that will ensure they will never happen again. I want to be the one you can always talk to and share your deepest concerns with. When you are faced with problemsor emotional turmoil, I know I can be there for you. I may not always have the answers, but I believe we can solve anything if we work together. I want us to do recreational activities together, whether it be astronomy, a movie, eating out, or just a quiet walk together. I want you and I to grow new interests together and to respect those separate interests we want to do alone. I know I can improve our sexual life as well. I miss that so much right now and I realize how badly you must of hurt at my frequent disinterest. But I also now know that sex and affection are two different things. I want to take quiet weekends away together, just the two of us. I want to always keep you guessing and surprise you from time to time on what is coming next.<P>I am truly sorry for my role in helping create the environment that has made your affair with OP possible. The most important thing that I have learned is that I alone am responsible to keep you in love with me by meeting your most important emotional needs. By lacking the right judgement, I did little when it came to building and nurturing our love for each other. Believe me, this was due to my ignorance and not any lack of love I have for you. I now know that I am more than able to not just meet those needs, but also to be lovingly enthusiastic in doing so.<P>You know I have had a difficult time in the last several months. I have experienced pain and fear like I have never known since you told me about the affair. This pain, even though it has caused me great anguish, has let me know what strength I really possess. This dual nature of pain and strength has created a conflict that leads me to an inescapable conclusion.<P>What I now must do, until you agree to end yout relationship with OP, is to no longer see you or communicate with you directly in any way. I have to do this because it hurts so much that the continued pain has become an unhealthy part of my learning to become the best possible husband for the one I truly love.<P>I do not make this decision lightly and I ask you to honor it. It is not made as a measure to punish you in any way. It is simply meant as a way to no longer drain the love I have had for you, even the love I have had for you during this ongoing affair.<P>At this time, I also believe that our daughters must be told the truth about your realationship with OP and also that I had a role in creating the enironment that caused it. This must be done for two reasons. First, theyt are our daughters and deserve to know the truth. It has pained me greatly in playing a part of deceiving and witholding the truth from them. We have raised them with certain values and have a responsibility to be honest with them. Secondly, God forbid they hear the truth from some other source in the future. The truth will not hurt any where near as much as the fact that we witheld this from them. Their sense of betrayal will be even more overwhelming. I know that this also means thatothers that have not been informed, such as your parents and family, will have to know because there is no way the kids can be expected to withold this from them. Again, I am not doing this in order to punish you or get back at you in any way. I am not going to "poison" anyone's mind against you. I am not asking anyone to take sides. They are just being informed of the truth and of my decision why I cannot see you at this time. Any reaction they may or may not have will be entirely up to them. By the time you have received this letter, I will have already informed them.<P>As soon as you can fully, permanently, and unconditionally separate from OP, and are willing to commit to measures to verify that separation, I am willing to do whatever it takes to start a new beginning to our marriage.<P>Until then, I must take cerain precautions to avoid seeing you. We can stick to the custody schedule we worked out concerning the kids. If we need to know anything about their health or welfare, it will have to be through either you Mom or mine. They can also aid in making any special arrangements concerning band concerts, birthdays or any other special needs. The only joint financial responsibility we have together is the auto insurance. I'll send you copies of what each of us owe and you can send me a check in any manner you wish. If you need to drop by the house for any reason, by all means do so but please make arrangements to make sure I won't be there.<P>I want us to be equally responsible for rebuilding our marriage someday. We need to build a new lifestyle where everything can be done to make us both happy. I know we can avoid the mistakes and bad habits that led us to this point. I have every confidence that our marriage can and will flourish if we try. I don't want any more separations in body or spirit. I want to be your best friend and a husband that any woman would be proud to have as a spouse. I want to be your soul mate and your lover and to grow old watching our kids and grandchildren grow.<P><BR>I Love You So Very Much,<P>AH<P>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited March 15, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited March 15, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited March 15, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited March 15, 2001).]

AH,<P>I read you letter and thought it was very good. I am not "The Plan B" expert here. NSR and K are very good. However, will give you my $0.02 <P>I would eliminate of edit the following paragraph.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Through all of these sessions I have been taking, the reading of many books, and many long lonely nights of soul searching, I have been able to recognize these errors in judgement and action or inaction. The depth of my understanding of these failings has taken me to honestly and with great effort to take steps that will ensure they<BR>will never happen again. </B>I want to be the one you can always talk to and share your deepest concerns with. When you are faced with problemsor emotional turmoil, I know I can be there for you. I may not always have the answers, but I believe we can solve anything if we work together. I want us to do recreational activities together, whether it be astronomy, a movie, eating out, or just a quiet walk together. I want you and I to grow new interests together and to respect those separate interests we want to do alone. I know I can improve our sexual life as well. I miss that so much right now and I realize how badly you must of hurt at my frequent disinterest. But I also now know that sex and affection are two different things. I want to take quiet weekends away together, just the two of us. I want to always keep you guessing and surprise you from time to time on what is coming next.<BR> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Your letter is pretty long. It seems to me that this is sort of a business letter and the only part of the paragraph above that is related to this business directly I have made bold.<P>THere is nothing wrong with the rest of it, but it comes across as begging and is needless until she leaves OP. <P>That is just my opinion. <P>Good Luck and God Bless,<P>JL

In general I like it alot.<P>But some issues I feel should I should comment on.<P>1. The first paragraph is where I find your opening a bit to "emotional". I've made the comment to others that the letter should be a love letter (I know <B>K</B> disagrees... but I still feel that way. That first paragraph doesn't set the proper mood.<P>2. The "I want"(s) in the paragraph highlighted by <B>JL</B> may be a little drawn out...<BR>...but all-in-all reasonable...<P>3. The way you present the "telling kids/family" does come across as self-righteous (in a bad way)...<BR>...if anything... shorten it up a bit... and don't dwell on <B>truth</B>... people in the fog don't understand <B>truth</B>... and will only take is as a pure LB.<P>4. On the overall length...<BR>...I too think it was a bit too long...<BR>...but <B>so was mine</B>!<BR>What I did, is write a short version... and a longer one.<BR>If my W wanted to read the longer one when she finished the shorter one... she could... and she did (5 minutes after reading the short one!!!)<BR>So... I don't think having a long version is too bad...<BR>...since it represents a possbile <B>final</B> set of communications... and should be as complete as possible.<BR>But your spouse might not want to read the "long version".<P>I can't knock much else...<BR>...it is very much... by what I feel... following recommendations I have made in the past.<P> <P>Good Luck!<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 15, 2001).]

JL-<P>Thanks for your input.<P>I will work on that paragraph to maybe shorten it up a bit. But it will be hard removing some of the points I am trying to put across. I know my particular situation and what my wife believes are the problems between us. I'm just trying to address them. I actually could add more to it if I wanted to.<P><BR>NSR-<P><BR>I appreciate your input as well. <P>I don't believe my wife will be bothered by the overall length and I know she won't be interested in reading two versions. I do agree that I reference the "truth" quite a bit too often in that paragraph. But I don't understand how I come across as self-righteous. I clearly state that my kids need to know that I had a role in this as well. Maybe I need to add (sorry!) something in there stating that I want the kids to respect her no matter what?

Not to write it in the letter...<BR>...but YES... talking with the kids...<P><B>Love the sinner... hate the sin!</B><P>Again... just using the words... "telling them the truth"...<BR>...will come to mean (to her anyway)... you will tell them <B>your</B> truth...<BR>...which to her will mean the opposite of <B>her</B> idea of what truth is!<P>Just keep it brief... if you feel you have to put it in.<P>Only you know what is long... or too long!<P> <P>Jim

AH,<P>Just remember this letter is to:<P>1. Seek separation to preserve your love for her.<P>2. Tell her of your understanding of your role in the state of the marriage.<P>3. Tell her no matter what you intend to change your approach to live so as to remove those things that hurt your marriage and you are doing them for yourself and happiness.<P>4. That you love her, but the OM must be out of the seen before the two of you can get together.<P>Ironically, the shorter the letter the more impact the points you want to get across will have. I suspect that you will get a chance to talk with your W about this and add many of the issues you want to put here in your conversation. You will have to discuss the children and how they are to be handled, finances, etc, before a full Plan B can go into effect.<P>NSR, is very right about the word "truth". I would simply say that the children will be informed about many of the details of her relationship and the state of the marriage. and leave it at that.<P>Overall, the letter is good, but you asked for advice so there it is.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL-<P>Thanks again. I am going to shorten the letter.<P>As far as discussing the arrangements of Plan B with my wife, that is one thing that WILL have to be covered in the letter. According to Steve Harley, no contact starts once she receives the letter.<P>I think I have pretty much covered your other points. I just need to edit it down a little.