I have been married for nearly four years. Over that time, on occassion I looked at pornography on the internet. Whenever I got caught, I would lie or deny it because it upset my wife and I was ashame and embarressed. After the last time in September 2000, she became very distant and I didn't know what to do about it. It was hard to say "I am sorry" with any credibility because I had said that before.<P>I learn in late January that see has been seeing someone from work since November last. I was devastated. I learned this the night after I was discharged from the hospital after a weeks stay. She said that she wanted " at the least" a "trial seperation." I continue to write the checks from our joint account. everything but my clothes and a few personal items are still at our house. I did'nt want to move out. I was afaid of being completely out of the picture and unable to talk with her or compete with this a**h***. But the preist we talked to said that that was the oly way to let her heal. I moved in with my parents and as I suspected he has all but moved in. He stays nightly and brings his 13yo son to stay too. My 7yo daughter is in the middle of all this. She told me that she has told her mother that she doesn't like when mommy kisses Mr. L. My wife has completely severed all contact with her parents and younger brother, with whom she used to be very close. And everyone else except her best friend in another town and her OM. Her friend doesn't want in the middle of this out of loyalty but says does not support my wife's actions.<P>I have been sending cards and notes. They have vanished from the house where they used to be including any and all references to our marriage. This guy is the only one she talks to or has anything to do with. She has stopped going to mass, talked about quiting school. She is completely isolated. That damn OM spends all the time with her and she won't hardly talk to me about anything of substance. She doesn't act like the loving caring person I married almost 4 years ago.<P>I have no crediblity. How can I prove to her that I realize the mistakes I've made and I can support and provide her emotional needs? I have asked her repeatedly if she would go with me to a marriage counselor. She says that she doesn't know if she wants it to work. "I am not the man she thought she married." I don't want a divorce. I want to rebuild our marriage. I love my wife deeply. I am sorry for MY stupidity and insensitivity. I want to make ammends.<P>This is an absolute nightmare. What can I do??? I have prayed to God so much, I think he is having routed to his voice mail. HELP!!! PLEASE!!!! I CAN"T STAND THIS!!!

Welcome <B>InANightmare</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>I would give her notice (a few days at most)...<BR>...and tell her you're coming back to the house.<P>You should show her strength...<BR>...not domination... but strength that your marriage can work.<P>Your priest is missing the "catholic" definition of marriage... to the detriment of your life and your daughters!!<P>Do stay with a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You're in my prayers.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Jim/NSR,<P>How can I move back in and not create conflict? She does not want to talk with anyone and is not sure she wants to reconcil. She says that she is still very angree with me for the betrayal and dishonesty by repeatedly looking at porn on the internet despite the fact she made her feelings of insecurity and betrayal very clear every time.<P>The OM stays at the house most of the time and she is not willing to stop seeing him. The fog is very thick at my house. I want to work this out but i can't tie her up and drag her to a counselor. Her family has stopped communicating with her. she has no one to talk about this with except OM. He is a socialworker and co-worker of hers. I am sure that he is feeding her all manner of BS. She is a very intelligent person usually. However, like I said, the fog is thick. She is also very headstrong. It has been suggested to me thatI go back. However, I am not sure that this is the best tact to take with her. Yea I know, what do I have to lose? I am just afraid to be very desicive. <P>Early on, I wanted her to go with me to the mountains to ski. I was planning on laying some things out so she couldn't say thatpacking was too much of a hassle. when she came home, she was real mad because she said I was pushing her and not giving her a choice. That's why I am afraid to barge back in to the house.<P>I am such a wimp. I don't want to lose them so I am being overly cautious. Sorry this is so long. I don't know how to be separated or how to reconcile.<P>thanks <P>Chris

Chris,<P>Whether in Plan A or Plan B...<BR>...the WS has to at least have "reality" presented to them!<P>Unless you have a restraining order...<BR>...give her the notice your coming back...<P><B>with</B>... a promise to NOT do any porn...<BR>...and give her some software (like spectre or wingauradian) and tell her she could/should monitor ALL your activity on the computer/Internet!!!<P>This is a hard thing to do...<BR>...and she'll know it...<BR>...but is another form of strength!<P>You're right... you can't tie her up...<BR>...but you can Plan A!<P>Cautious is OK...<BR>...overly cautious... makes you look like that wimp...<BR>...it's a mode you want to get out of whether your marriage gets reconciled or not.<P>Love!<P> <P>Jim

Buddy, Jim is no DR here but I have yet to ever see him error in his advise.<P>DO IT !!<P>Nuff said.<P>