Hello All:<BR>D-day was 5 weeks ago. Like many of you here, I never imagined life could be so miserable, sad and physically painful. After 18 years of marriage, my WS does not know if he wants to remain married. He is questioning our entire marriage at this point. I had an PA 8 years ago. We did not resolve the issues surrounding it. As a result he has been unhappy ever since. Now he has confessed having in an PA of his own. It's over but not because he wanted it to be. We are communicating but my question is what to do during the weekends. There is so much time. I don't want to stress him out by talking about it all the time, on the other hand, this is an opportunity for some unterrrupted time for us to talk. What should I do?

Your situation sounds very similar to your. Married 12+ yrs and discover current A 3 weeks ago and had been going on since mid-December. He had a brief affair 8 yrs ago - I never really recoverd and as a result I gradually built a wall. Now he is having another A and this one is quite involved. He refuses at this point to stop seeing her and says sooner or later they will be together (I assume living together?). In the mean time he fulfulls his fatherly (2 kids, 16 and 10) and financial duties, works 2 jobs and sees her 2X a week for about 4-5 hrs each time. There has been no sex at home for @ 5 weeks, but he "allows" me to cuddle and give him a kiss before I leave for work in the morning, although sometimes reluctantly (partly a show for the kids I think). <P>Back to you - do you have kids? If so - do things with them. If not, reading is one of my favorite things to do. Buy books dealing with any topics relating to your situation - they will help you - they have me. Do things with friends. Maybe you could set specific times and set the amount of time to talk. I would say 1 - 1 1/2 hrs to talk would be reasonable. Set a timer. With long drawn out talks I found I would exhaust a certain topic (like beating a dead horse) and he would get irritated. If he gets irritated he will be reluctant to continue to talk. Start plan A if you haven't already. <BR> I feel for you. It is very painful and sad but don't give up hope. I know it is hard to stay positive. God knows I struggle with this every day. It does seem to SLOWLY get better with time though.<BR> Hang there and my thoughts and prayers will be with you.<P>Darlene

Hi Darlene<BR>Thanks so much for replying. Yes we do have children. A son 16 and a daughter 13. I do as much with them as I can, but they both have very active social lives. I visited a bookstore just this morning and picked up two books. I am also reading After the Affair, although it's not over yet...emoitionally anyway. He told me this week , he wants to stop having sex. I agreed under the circumstances, but that just makes the weekend seem even longer. I hope and pray he will do the right thing for us and our family. How are you able to keep strong Darlene? Tell me your secrets. <P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by smith5863:<BR><B>Your situation sounds very similar to your. Married 12+ yrs and discover current A 3 weeks ago and had been going on since mid-December. He had a brief affair 8 yrs ago - I never really recoverd and as a result I gradually built a wall. Now he is having another A and this one is quite involved. He refuses at this point to stop seeing her and says sooner or later they will be together (I assume living together?). In the mean time he fulfulls his fatherly (2 kids, 16 and 10) and financial duties, works 2 jobs and sees her 2X a week for about 4-5 hrs each time. There has been no sex at home for @ 5 weeks, but he "allows" me to cuddle and give him a kiss before I leave for work in the morning, although sometimes reluctantly (partly a show for the kids I think). <P>Back to you - do you have kids? If so - do things with them. If not, reading is one of my favorite things to do. Buy books dealing with any topics relating to your situation - they will help you - they have me. Do things with friends. Maybe you could set specific times and set the amount of time to talk. I would say 1 - 1 1/2 hrs to talk would be reasonable. Set a timer. With long drawn out talks I found I would exhaust a certain topic (like beating a dead horse) and he would get irritated. If he gets irritated he will be reluctant to continue to talk. Start plan A if you haven't already. <BR> I feel for you. It is very painful and sad but don't give up hope. I know it is hard to stay positive. God knows I struggle with this every day. It does seem to SLOWLY get better with time though.<BR> Hang there and my thoughts and prayers will be with you.<P>Darlene</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by breakingslowly:<BR><B>Hi Darlene<BR>Thanks so much for replying. Yes we do have children. A son 16 and a daughter 13. I do as much with them as I can, but they both have very active social lives. I visited a bookstore just this morning and picked up two books. I am also reading After the Affair, although it's not over yet...emoitionally anyway. He told me this week , he wants to stop having sex. I agreed under the circumstances, but that just makes the weekend seem even longer. I hope and pray he will do the right thing for us and our family. How are you able to keep strong Darlene? Tell me your secrets. <P><BR> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Aha!!<P>Someone else still awake? Similar sit. I am on the couch tonight. Tired of feeling like his whore. I have clinged to the only sense comfort reamaining, intimacy<P>

Breakingslowly,<BR> I have no secrets and haven't felt strong almost all weekend - a tough one for me also. Mostly because H spent all last night with OW when he promised me that he wouldn't do that any more for the sake of the kids. Our 10 yr old said in church today that we should pray for Daddy because he doesn't come home at night and he wants him to come home. Heart break city!!!!! Been praying for him for weeks now. I thought my weight loss had at least slowed but now it feels like I have lost even more now and I was only 120 lbs to start - not sure what to do about it at this point. The shakes were bad this weekend also. I also hope that your husband does the right thing. The sex thing - my husband stopped that 5 weeks ago also. Do you think he is still seeing her? If not, why would he not want to be intimate with you? Just wondering? The thought of living like this for 4-5 more months is very depressing and I don't know if I can do it. I still love him and really want to work it out but H doesn't show any sign of wanting to end the A. Now my 16 yr old daughter is gone for 4 days on a trip with friends. She kind of breaks up the tension in the house so it could kind of hard without her. My stomach had been hurting all weekend and now that is getting close to him getting home from his 2nd job I'm even jumpier. Don't know what to say to him or if I can look him in the eyes knowing what he was doing last night. Sooooooooooo hard. Going to church did kind of help a little bit - at least I was doing something positive. I'm rambling now. Sorry not much encouragement to pass on right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better.<P>God Bless and don't give up!!<P>Darlene<P>

From my situation, the weekend starts out pretty good, but by Sunday night I'm a mess. We play with the children and try to carry on as if nothing is going on for them. They are very young. Church is a very difficult time for me, and I end up in tears and feeling guilty. Under the sircumstances I have held up very well to my W's A, but I know I can do better. <P>What I have found is that I get my peace and joy from within and while it hurts me to think about the A, I know I'm the one that has to take care of me. All of our happieness has to come from within, and can not be based on what we get from the people around us. I know I have trouble following my own advice right now, but I sure try hard at doing the things that I think are important and that help me. I may be a bit luckier than you right now, I get at least one good day out of the weekend, and two weeks ago I actually had three good days in a row. Of course it was followed up by a horrible Monday, but those three days were like heaven to me after the last 9 weeks.<P>Keep your chin up, and let that good looking 16 year old son of yours give you a hug when you need it. It might not be the same as a good hug from your H, but it is better than nothing. I hope we both get some good breaks soon.<P>[This message has been edited by 40 pounds lighter (edited March 26, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by 40 pounds lighter (edited March 27, 2001).]