W moved out a couple of weeks ago. I knew she had some EA for sure with another man. <P>Last Friday W finally fessed up w/details of PA, too. Their last contact was Friday. She has said she has ended contact with OM. I think this is true because I spoke to OM's W Saturday and he has told her he has committed to breaking contact too. OMW and I have committed to each other to let the other know if contact is made. While they could make contact w/o us knowing I still think we would find out and tell one another. BTW, OM lives several states away (1,000+ miles) and much of their contact over the past few months has been phone, e-mail etc. <P>W & I had a tough weekend, but the bottom line is I told my W I still love her and want to go ahead with salvaging our marriage. I think I can do my part...I hope so.<P>She is in counseling and so am I, but we are not counselling together. She asked her counselor about us coming there together and her counselor said not to try copupkle counselling until she is in the same place as I am--that is: committed to the marriage.<P>Here's what my wife tells me:<P>1. she loves me<P>2. she believes that we can salvage our marriage if she makes the commitment.<P>3. right now she can't make the commitment becuase of this "other thing"<P>4 she feels lost confused, lonely, anxious, and like she is spinning out of control.<P>5. She has said she is trying to get to where I am but for me not to push her.<P>Does this sound like she is going through withdrawal?<P>I am at a place where I am no longer pushing her for anything. If she calls me, and she does, fine. If she e-mails me, and she does, fine. If we see each other it has to be her request. I am not asking.<P>What I am trying to do is be here for her. I am trying to follow plan A. No anger, disrespect or demands. I am trying to be thoughtful and respect her.<P>I know we have a tough road ahead if she commits, but I also know we could make it. even her therapist said she thinks we can but W has to commit.<P>Does anyone have any suggestions...does this sound similar to anyone else's scenario.<P>I would like some feedback if possible. <P>I don't want to give up, but I also am having a tought time coping, too.<P>Thanks for any help or feedback you can provide.<P> <P>

Elad - I wish I had a similar scenario, but that's another story. Sounds like you have half of Plan A going good. The half you didn't mention is for you to critically examine your part in the marriage that may have contributed to the environment that made the affair possible. What were you doing or not doing that failed to meet all of your wife's needs? You need to identify these things, correct them, and then DEMONSTRATE to her that you've improved yourself.<P>She is in withdrawal or is feeling guilt for her behavior. Continue to offer her support, don't pressure her, but remind you that you love her and you're there for her. Send her small gifts or cards to just let her know you're there. <P>Get all the books you can find on infidelity and read them. Especially get Surving An Affair, by Harley and Private Lies, by Pittman. <P>Do not give up! You are far ahead of most people on the forum and should be posting on the Recovery section.<P>Good Luck,<BR>WAT

Thanks...<P>I hope I get to the rocovery section.<P>I have looked at some of the things that got us to where we are and I have told her I take responsibility for not meeting her needs. We still haven't completely explored all of our needs and we will do that once (if) she commits and we can move forward. But I have acknowledged that I helped us get to the point where she did what she did. She still needs to take responsibility for that, though.<P>She has yet to be specific about all the needs I was not meeting but I know what some of those are and I am working on it. I have chnaged in other ways, (for the better I think) too and she knows that--she has remarked on them. <P>I have quit ssending her e-mails and letters etc at her request. I would like to send her cards, small gifts etc etc but I think it falls into the same category.<P>Anyway, thanks for the encouraging note.

Elad,<P>Plan A is hard. DDay for me was 2 months ago today. I don't think it's been really until last week when I really let go of any hope of getting my needs met for awhile. I truly at this point am (maybe) for the first time really listening to Wife and what she needs. She won't do the questionnaires or anything so it's tough trying to discern what her needs are and how they're different now from courtship and the first couple years of marriage. It's one thing to read Harley's section on the EN's of the BS and not getting them met for 6-12 months and say.. ok.. but it's another to really read it, digest it, and live it. I am putting my faith in his words, and hoping that we can have a better marriage.<P>Good Luck,<P>FS

Elad,<P>You have my story to a T. OM is over 1000 miles away, contact has all but stoped between them, I hope. I really can't be sure and if it happens again, my lawyer gets called. Both of us are in counseling, but not together. My W is still not comited to working on the relationship, even though she can't have the other man. She loves me, but not in the way she used to. She lost her friend and that relationship, but has been unable to let that part go. She is still living at home right now, but I suspect for the kids and not to work on things. I did a full 180 on D-Day, and I have addressed as many of the issues as I can. I have taken responsibility for as much as I can, and then some. <P>I'm sure you are in the same boat, that what ever the issues were that you contributed they were not justification for the out come. Where is your and my wife at? I have no idea. I don't know if it is withdrawl or not. I had two D-days, one for the EA and another for the PA. Both killed my spirit, but in different ways. For reasons I can't figure out, I still love her deeply and will work harder than ever to help fix the marriage and forgive her. You already know that having them sitting on the fence is the hardest part. I'm deeply hurt that she didn't throw herself at my feet and beg for forgiveness. What I got was almost the oposite, no physical or emotional contact. <P>Good luck, I know your story all too well.<P>40<p>[This message has been edited by 40 pounds lighter (edited April 06, 2001).]