I discovered my husband was having an affair almost 2 months ago. We have been married since May, lived together one year and dated one year. We have had a very hard 8 months in our marriage. I have children from a previous marriage and so does he. My eldest child was diagnosed with as having anti-social disorder and was getting very aggressive. He went to live with his father in December, a decision I think was best for everyone. When I first discovered it he said he would stop seeing her (they work together). Two weeks ago I discovered he has lied to me all month and the affair has still been continuing. I have been reading "Tough Love" and "Surviving an Affair" and knew it was time to go. He had rationalized everything so well I think he believed the affair was my fault. He said I wasn't there for him and I know to an extent he is right. My son was taking all my energy and my husband got to a point in November where he said he didn't want anything to do with the situation anymore. I was left to handle it on my own. My son's father lives overseas and I have no family near us. I told him I needed him as well but did not chose to turn to another for that comfort. I have been gone one week now and he says he wants me to come home but he is afraid that everything will be the same. He said he needs couple time and I realize now that is most likely his biggest emotional need. He is still working at the same place, she has attempted to continue the affair. I appreciate he is telling me what is going on now, before he would have lied. He has agreed to find a new job and is working on this. He wants us to come back home. How do I know he is sincere? I have been praying and I truely believe in my heart God wants me to give my marriage everything. I want to go back, I just need to be sure it is the right time.

Your head must be spinning after all this! I don't have much to suggest... I've been in this mess for about 2 years now. This is our second separation and we're working on his coming home. I can tell you what I've learned. If you feel like something isn't right, get to the bottom of it. Ask questions and then more questions. Your best bet it probably to go to a good marriage counselor and work out a timetable for going back. Don't rush into anything, as it will do more damage in the long run. My H and I should not have reconciled when we did (last time) because he had issues that I knew in my heart were not resolved. I would meet with him each day (if possible) for an hour or two to talk about things. THis way you can get back some of your intimacy while you observe what's going on in his life. The roller coaster ride is a long one. Blessings.

You go back when you and he have agreed to a recovery plan, and that should include agreeing on couple time as well as many other things...<P>Have you read this section? <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html</A>

He has not totally agreed to the four steps. He currently is looking for a new job. I moved out of state so we communicate by phone or email. I spoke with him yesterday and he decided he wasn't sure if it was a good idea to get back together until he has a new job etc. I decided to enroll the children in school here and finish up the school year and go from there. I understand the four steps and are more than willing to go, I suggested that he call Focus on the Family for a list of christian counselors. Now I suppose I wait and see. This seems like the hard part.