Hello all,<P>My story very quickly. D-day happend twice for me, one 10 weeks ago for the EA and then about 6 weeks ago for the PA. The OM lives in another state, and his wife knows about the A. She and I have talked once on the phone, and we agreed to impliment plan A from both ends. It has not worked. My W is on the fence and will not comit to the relationship. We have both been in counseling since the first week. We have two small children that are 6 and 4. Neither of us has left the house but I have been ready to take the children with me for a few weeks. I know contact was made this week by voice mail, I'm not sure about any thing else. <P>Contact is being made from the OM's end. The sad part is my W reciprocates when ever it happens. I think I have finally had enough. Since this selfish guy on the other end can't seem to get past his withdrawl and move on with his life and try to rebuild his end, I'm forced to take measures at this end. I needed to find out the specific laws for my state. There is no fault divorce in my state, but the custody battle is a whole different ball game. If he can't stop contacting her, and she can't get back in the ball game here, I will be forced to seek full custody of the children based on her decisions. I know that it looks as if I'm punishing her for her actions and lack of comitment, but if she can make such selfish choices with out even thnking about the reprocusions to her family, I'm sure she can and will do it again. Since my states laws will be in my favor through all of this, she will not only have to pay child support but alimoney (sp?) too. She makes more than I do because I gave up my career to stay home with the kids from the very begining. She knows that I have been a far better parent than she has and would admit this freely. That is part of the reason we got in this mess in the first place. <P>It is really too bad that they didn't think a little harder about the choices they were making. Now, not only will my children grow up in a broken home, but more than likely we will have to sell our house when the divorce happens. So, we will be raising two small children from appartments. I sure wanted something better for my children, but evidently she was willing to give it all up for some thing that she knew would never go any where. <P>So, now she has lost her lover/friend. She is about to lose her husband, and the sad part, her daily contact with the children. All because some selfish OM won't stop the contact and she reciprocates. I'm not even sure why he does it, maybe he thinks he is helping her or something. Yeah, he is helping her alright, helping her to be alone for the rest of her life in a town where she has no family.<P>We are going to my inlaws house next week for Easter. They are not in good health and for this reason my W has kept them out of the loop. They know nothing at all about anything. I fear this will be the last time I will see them. It tears me apart to know that I'm thinking about this action, and they will be the ones left to comfort thier D in the aftermath. I'm sure they will never hear the truth from her, so the protect your own syndrom will take over. I'm sure that my relationship with them will never be the same, even if they someday find out the truth. They think I walk on water right now, but I feel they will want me to drown after this is over. <P>I'm not sure it all has to end like this. I love her deeply and have tried to address all of the issues that led us up to the A. I'm working hard to get past my feelings and am really trying to find the strength to forgive her. So far it has all been for nothing. The fog has not lifted for her at all. But I don't get the feeling that she has had any withdrawl to this day. I think she really knew it was going to end, and was prepared for the day it did. Now the contact started on the other end is about to send us down a path of destuction. I feel so sorry for her and the children. Why did she and the OM have to be so selfish? I guess I may never find out.<P>I'm trying to look at this as not punishing her. But after the past ten weeks and the hell that she has put me though, it has to be one of the motivators for the action. I'm smart enough to see that, but it really isn't the main reason for it. The children, even at this age can recognize that something is not right. They see me cry and wonder why. How do I tell them that Mommy doesn't love Daddy any more, but Daddy loves Mommy with all of his heart? <P>A lack of comunication, neglect and a lot of taking for granted got us here. There are no drug, alcohol or abuse issues that contributed to the A. I was trying to be the best father I could be, and sacrificed my career, my self, my relationship and a lot of other things in this quest to be Super Dad. She never told me she was unhappy, and never gave me a chance to fix things before she went down this path. Now, her actions have consequences that we are all going to live with for a very long time. Why can't she get back in the ball game?<P>Thanks, and sorry for the rant. Any and all advice is welcome. Try not to flame me to hard, but critism is always welcome. I learn far more from failing.<P>40

Well I am junior member and all I know is that when it is the woman who has to put up with a WS they seem to stick it out for more that 10 weeks,,,,, in other words I have put up with my Hs' addiction for the internet and then he was a WS and I hung in there the whole time,,, the bad thing that I did was cry on an OM shoulder and at the time I didnt think of it as an EA until I have learned about all this on this site... if you love your kids and you see that she is not making the contact but instead feels maybe "sorry" for the OM and possibly feels a sense of EA to him... then hang in there bubba! dont give up just yet keep Aplanning and make very sure that you are ready for plan B cause it seems that plan B is final and it takes much to get there.. how long did I put up with the BS,,, 8 years... since that darn internet began... which by the way has given me many griefs but also many friends :-)<BR>just my 2 cents<BR>C1

Thank you for your reply.<P>I know that I might be jumping off the deep end on this one. You are right, I've only been in this game for 10 weeks, but the time frame for the A was sometime around August of last year to February of this year. As far as I'm concerned, she had the whole time during the A to think about what she wanted, where she was going and what would happen as a result. The LBusters have just about emptied my love bank and no deposites have been made for 10 weeks now. I'm getting close to the end of what I can tolerate.<P>Sometimes drastic times call for drastic measures. She has not and will not commit at this point. She has a lot longer to think about it than I have, but she still doesn't know what she wants. I'm becomming more independent and distant with every day that passes. The walls are being built even as we speak that will eventually keep her closed out forever. I get nothing from her that will even slow the process. And the whole deal with the OM makes the walls go up faster. I know it may be wrong, but I can't stop it alone. I barely get a kiss, unless I ask for it. Hugs are easier to get, but I get the feeling they are all for me and not meaningful to her. It hurts even more. <P>It is really sad that I get more affection from my six year old boy, than I get from my beautiful wife of almost 11 years. He at least will tell me he loves me and give me a hug and kiss for no other reason thatn I am crying. My four year old rubs my face, brings me tissues and does the sme things my six year old does. Way more than I get from my W. I can't even tell her that I love her any more. (her request) It has been 3 weeks since I last said it, and about 5 since she told me that she loved me. And then it was qualified with, the statement that it is just not in the way I want her to. <P>I have some more time, but it is running out quickly. Tonight I will ask her about her contact from the week. Hpefully there will have been no more. Next Friday I will ask again, if there has been contact again, I'm afraid I have reached the end of my rope so to speak. I refuse to live like this for very much longer.<P>Thanks for the reply again. It does add some perpective.<P>40

40:<P>I know the pain you are in because I am living it. I am SAHM with 3 kids. 5,3,2. Married 13.5 years. H having A for 1.5 years now, as of Feb with #2 woman. 10 days ago he move in with #2. <P>Told kids last week daddy doesn't live here. Oldest cried and cried. Middle, cried but everyday she cries and is angry , confused, not sleeping, feels abandoned. Youngest, mad at me. I hate you mommmy. I can see anger in all of them and it is directed at me, not HIM. It is ok. I kneww that would happen<P>Telling kids, I said the basic not your fault stuff. Daddy doesn't love mommmy anymore and it is his choice to live somewhere else. Mommy loves daddy and it makes mommy sad too. Kids fear abandonment and loss of love. You have to make sure they know you are not going anywhere and no matter what they do , say, etc you will ALWAYS love them no matter what. I encourage them to talk even if they think it will hurt mommy, esp for oldest.<P>I am deciding actually on next steop. I have a hard time not LB but I don't know how to Plan A anymore with him taking kids to her house overnigth for weekends. I feel like I have to Plan B, and/or with law, hinder him from taking kids overnight to her house. My marriage or my kids. I think it is time to protect kids from their fathers indescretion. <P>For you, HANG ON. She lets you kiss and hug her. That is a good thing. Maybe you should read other stories to get some strength to go on. We know how it feels and we know it sucks and it is the worst thing in the wordl and you don't know how you can go on but you can and you will, for YOURSELF AND FOR KIDS. Take care of YOU and kids. one Day at a time. One hour at a time. Plan A. <P>Don't give up yet, it really is too early.<P>/Come and vent and read, cry, shout, get supprt. We are all here for you.<P>You sound like a wonderful MAN, father, husband. Remember that about yourself. No one can take that from you.<P>Hopelessmom

Thank you for your reply. It does sound like we have a lot to try and hold together at my house, but with out the help I need from her I fear it is too far gone.<P>I have actually called to check on my rights as a father and primary custody holder. I will feel very sorry for her if she chooses that route. I will not file unless I'm absolutly forced to. But I don't think that will be a problem for her. As far as I can tell, her selfish ways have left her impervious to logic. She doesn't seem to see that we will lose everything in this process. The family, the house and maybe even our cars if you factor in the lawyers fees. We are a young family that has had some set backs finacialy in the past, so there won't be much to split up money wise. We both have some meager savings and 401k plans through work. The house holds about $30,000 in equity at this point, but the buy outs on our cars will be about $18,000. We owe on a credit card for about a 1/4 of that, and we owe some money to one of our parents for a few thousand. There will be very little left to get either of us started over. We have good jobs that gross about $75,000 a year. But using the same money to support two house holds will sure take our quality of life down. Thanks W!<P>I will keep thinking about this, and post more later. Thanks to everyone that replied and will reply.<P>40<P>She is taking us down this path

Hi 40,<BR>I think you're kidding yourself, bud. I don't know where you're at, but sole custody for a father is a LONG shot most places. And the courts yawn when it comes to infidelity......Not even a factor in custody. So I hope you have something else on her.....and a lot of money and luck for the fight ahead. Now, if she will voluntarily cede custody to you, I'd tread very lightly til you get it "official", I'm talkin eggshells, man. No way I'd be talking about alimony/CS with her.<P>Having said all that.....IMHO, you're moving way too fast. If you love her, hunker down and fight for your marriage. Read all you can, hear and elsewhere. Plan A, Plan A, and then Plan A some more. Your situation, while horrible for you, sounds nowhere near hopeless. But, OTOH, only you know what you can tolerate. Just don't assume you're in the driver's seat when it comes to custody, cus in most places, you're in the damn trunk!<P>Anyhoo, hang in there and try not to let "pride" torpedo what sounds like a salvageable marraige.<P>Xman

Yes, I know I'm moving way to fast right now, and part of the reason is she is moving so slow. Typical fog has not lifted for her. <P>I still love her deeply. I'm working on the forgiveness part every day. I have tried to address most if not all of the issues I can tackly by myself that got us to this mess. She is holding up the process, as is the OM. I have not asked her if contact has been made in the last 7 days. Frankly, I'm just to tired to take the emotional blow if there has been. <P>Xman, yes I have other things on her but I really don't want to play my cards unless I really have to. She is very concerned at this point as to what I will use and what I will hold back. She has talked to me about the custody thing, and I have already told her my intentions if the D happens. She thinks it is because of a sick pay back for the A. While I'm very angry at her and hurt in more ways than I can even admit, that is not the real reason for the custody battle. <P>I sure hopes that she changes her mind or can find her way out of the fog soon. I came from a broken home too, and I didn't have access to my mother for many years. When we did get to see her, it was two weeks during the summer and that was it. That is part of the reason I want to hold this marriage together so bad. I want more for my children than I had. I love her, and I know she loves me. We have so many things going for us as a couple and family, it sure is confusing to day the least. <P>Thanks for everyones thoughts.<P>40