Hi Everyone,<P>Plan A was started at the other end of my mess. The OM's wife and I had one conversation and agreed to impliment the plan from both our ends. While I think the no contact rule may be working, the rest of the plan is where I fall short on.<P>Is it just me, or is it just plain hard to be nice and not dwell on the issues that are part of the A? I'm talking about the lies, emotional ties the actual physical part and the selfishness? I know the difference between what I am doing and what I should be doing, but can't seem to get them to be the same. My evil twin has taken me over at times, the one that got hurt so bad that all he wants to do is hurt the other person in the same way, emotionaly. He has and would never be physically damaging.<P>The funny thing is, the weekends for the most part are great. We get along well, do many things together and really enjoy each others company. But during the week, we tend to fester on each other and the issues. By the time that Friday rolls around, it has the potential to get ugly. It seems in our case, while we are apart we must really dislike each other, but when we are right there together, all is good. Or at least as good as it can be right now.<P>Do any of you seasoned vetrans have some advice for a newbie that is struggling? I'm smart enough to realize that I have a far better chance to keep my marriage alive if I can be consistent and do the right thing. I need to kill my evil twin right now, he is undoing all my effort right now. <P>I understand that I'm not responible for the A my W had. But I do feel responsible for issues before the A and very responsible to work on it as hard as I can. What can I do? I'm not sure that she will do the EN tests or do anything else. She is in couseling, as am I, but of course it is not joint. <P>Thanks,<P>40

40 pounds lighter:<P>The best advice I can give, as a seasoned veteran of the infidelity wars, is to suggest that you start marriage counseling (by yourself) with Steve or Jenn Harley. You can call them at 888-639-1639 for appointments. The phone counseling is terrific and convenient---it's a bargain at $120/session, although it was a steal when I started (at $60). It's obviously based on the MarriageBuilder's philosophy, and Steve and Jenn are great coaches to get you through this horrible situation. The bulletin boards are a terrific source of information (and misinformation, headaches, and noise). But counseling with one of the Harley's will help you focus on a good Plan A.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm smart enough to realize that I have a far better chance to keep my marriage alive if I can be consistent and do the right thing. I need to kill my evil twin right now, he is undoing all my effort right now.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Excellent! The other thing I was smart enough to realize when I started down this path was that I would screw it up if I tried to handle this all by myself, using my instincts as a guide. Getting counseling with Steve (within a week of D-day) help saved my marriage. I went through 6 months of Plan A (without my wife agreeing to end the affair, then ending it, then restarting it), Plan B, her pregnancy by the OM, and finally the end of the affair. Our marriage is much better now, and I got a cute little boy out of the deal. But I'll tell you that I didn't have a lot of hope at times when I was going through this---but I stuck with Steve's advice, constucted and executed a good, consistant Plan A (and Plan B)---and beyond any reasonable expectations, I got a chance at reconciliation.<P>Your feelings are normal---Plan A is tough. You don't have to be "nice" to the point of not discussing topics concerning the affair, but you have to learn to keep those conversations to appropriate lengths and not use lovebusters. Your goal in plan A is to eliminate lovebusters and attempt to negotiate an end to the affair by establishing a consistant track record of new marital behaviors that your spouse can see. They WILL notice, even though you won't have a clue that they do. That'll happen after the affair is over, after withdrawal is over, and when you two are on your way to marital recovery.<P>The best path to that is through counseling. Do yourself a favor and look into it.

I'm relaively new, but one of the best pieces of advice I have received was this:<P><BR>Strength is being able to not say it. Real strength is when you keep your mouth shut and don't give in to the temptation of stating the obvious. <P>I needed to hear that many times and still do, and for me at least it rings very true......It takes everything I have to be able to keep my mouth shut and not say things to hurt my situation, we both know what the problems are and I don't need to say it for it to be real......<P>

Thank you both for your replys. <P>I'm working very hard on not stating the obvious over and over. We have hit most of the high points in past conversations, and I'm trying to just be there when she needs me. A safe place is where she needs to be right now, and I want that to be at home with the children and I. I have not said anything about the A for two weeks now. I have said other things to upset her, but I'm going to stop that too. <P>I'm very hopeful that we can pull this out of the trash can. We are going to her parents this weekend for Easter. Being close to her family may make her realize that she has something worth saving. I'm willing to change what ever she thinks I need to address. If I can do it great, if I can't we will have to figure out something else. But she needs to change too, and I'm not sure where to start on that one. She certianly needs to work a lot harder at it than she has been if we are going to make it. Up to now, I'm the only one that has addressed the issuse that got us here. <P>We are safe and content for the time being. I'm not sure I can handle this arrangement forever, but I can handle it for a good long time if need be. Everyones support here is a big reason I have the strength to stick out the fog and withdraw she is going though.<P>Thanks.<P>40

Are you kidding about the 40lbs lighter? I also lost 40lbs as a result of all of my "fun"......<P>I have begun to capitalize on it by joining a gym and working out regularly....<P>What are you dong for yourself 40??<P>I also had to buy an almost entirely new wardrobe because of the weight loss.....<P>ARe you taking care of YOU>???

Hi,<P>Yes I'm taking very good care of me. On My first D-day, (EA) I was ready to change everything. I sat down and looked at my W's weight watchers material and started eating better based on that program. At the same time I started working out every day, 30 minutes on the tread mill and at least another working with weights and situps. <P>The sad part was, 10 weeks later I had lost almost 50 pounds and couldn't get it stoped. That was about three weeks ago and now I have built back up to 165 where is has stayed for about two weeks. I started at 205 for a 5'9" male of average build.<P>I feel great, look great and have way more self esteem. Yes, I too had to go buy new cloths. About six weeks into it I had to buy new jeans, and then again at 10 weeks I had to buy more new jeans. Right now, I'm thinking that my jeans are to large again and I might have to buy one more pair that is smaller.<P>I bought about 15 new shirts, 5 pairs of new shorts, new underware, a few pairs of dress pants and even 5 pairs of new shoes. I guess my feet were fat too? <P>I really didn't look bad before this started, but I look great now. I would have never dreamed I was carrying that much extra around. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm just moving weight around now. I wanted to get down to 175, but that happend about 6 weeks into my own little hell I have right now. <P>I'm very sad for the reason I was forced to work on me, but I'm so happy that I have found myself again. <P>I have had two doctor apointments to chart my progress and to have blood work done. Both times everything looked good and I had the doctors blessing. My counselor was concerned too, but when she saw my arms one day she knew I was taking care of me. My arms and chest are realy getting developed quite nicely.<P>The only drawback to this is the questions I get. Everyone wants to know why I'm working so hard, I just tell them that I would like to be around to see my grand kids some day and to hold on to the things I have now. That makes them think for a while, but they never really ask much more than how long and how?<P>Good luck on your weight loss. Take care of you! I have, and I feel great. Now if I only felt this good emotionaly.<P>Rob