I posted this in the general questions, but when I thought about it I think it may belong here instead. How do you know how often to talk about it. I am wondering if I am doing the right thing. My WS and I came real close to filing for a D last week, but when I realized she was still in the fog, I pulled back. I gave her a letter apologizing for giving her an ultimatum and told her she needed a safe haven to clear her head. I wrote that we can talk again when she's comfortable with it. Since then, we have been able to enjoy some peace. She is working extra , but I don't believe to avoid me. We had a very nice weekend. Ordered in food and vegged out in front of the TV. Talked about other things, even made plans for going to her Parents for Easter. I think this is the best approach right now, but I am questioning whether we are avoiding the problem. I don't think so. I kind of think of it as a respite to get comfortable with each other after Bloody Sunday. Am I doing the right thing, and when and how should I approach talking about the problems again ?<BR>I am reading all of these post and I must admit, I sometimes wonder if any of this stuff really works.<P>------------------<BR>Mark H

Mark, I'm in the same boat as you. D-Day was less than 3 weeks ago and my W is still in the fog. Our personalities differed in that I'm a "talker" and she's not, never has been. She's always been like that and it makes it even harded when we do have things to talk about. Being the way I am, I keep LBing her by wanting to talk and making her upset or uncomfortable.<P>Is it worth it? I think so. Me and my W are using the fundamentals of Plan A and they seem to work (when I don't LB). It just happened again last night, I didn't drudge up the A, but I kept hounding her on "how she feels about me". Her fog is making it hard to discuss in addition to her withdrawl. When I don't LB, we are very much like you, vegging on the couch, shopping, hand holding etc. <P>It is worth it but very, very hard. We being the BS not only have to deal w/ the A, but have to sit by quietly while our WS gets over it. How screwed up is that?? LOL!<P>Nonetheless, our marriage and my love for W is helping me. I'd LOVE to wake up tomorrow and have everything all better, but we both know that's not gonna happen. Good luck and keep a stiff upper lip. <P>Scarlet Pumpernickle

I am so in the same boat.<P>I try to talk and it doesn't get anywhere. I think she is still in a fog & withdrawal and just not ready to commit.<P>We seem to be OK when we talk about other stuff. But you two are right. This is so hard being the BS and seeming like you have to do all the work. She had the A and now she can't commit to trying to save what we had. It makes no sense. I am hoping it's the fog. <P>I hope your WS's and mine come out of that fog and realize that we BS's are what kept it together. <P>Right now, maybe not trying to talk and push for a reconciliation are the best. It's tough to be so patient when all you want to do is get on with fixing things, making a marriage work and getting on with life.<P>

I'm going to jump on this thread too. Same boat guys. My W won't commit either. I have just decided not to talk about it until she is ready. Every time I open my mouth, I start on the moral road to no where land. Talk about Lbusting.<P>I'm just focusing on the kids and I for the time being. 12 weeks and counting if it makes you guys feel any better. It doesn't make me feel any better.<P>Hang in there guys. Go to the divorced board and take a look at a thread about shower/bath. for inspiration.<P>40

Me too.....<P>Although my Wife is not commiting, she seems to come around a little more every time we talk....then of course she goes right back to being in the fog....<P>This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. <P>I am struggling with her moving back in now, I suggested it and she semi-agreed, but now I am starting to have second thoughts.....I kept telling myself that it should be her idea when/if the time came for her to move back in the house, and since it was about 80% my idea I don't know that I am comfortable with it......<P>Any advice? or thoughts on that?<P>Should I just be happy to have her back to be able to get going on Plan A with her in the house? I am struggling, and really don't want to give her another excuse not to commit.....<P>I am glad I am seeing a bunch of Men on here I thought for sure I was the only man going through this....

Boy, I can see how that would be a struggle.<P>My W says she needs to be 100% committed to moving back, and so, while I have pushed it before, I have backed off.<P>I can understand your concern. I told my W the thing that scares me the most is she that she won't move back and what scares me the second most is that she will.<P>I think they need to be truly committed, but I am not sure. I would struggle with the same question. Sorry I'm not much help but those are my thoughts. It is kind of scary, though.<P>Good luck.

Hey Guys,<P>Just a chime in.... me too! It's been just about 11 weeks and fog is starting to clear. Really takes alot to put aside your needs and focus on hers... especially when she doesnt' even know what they are anymore. Focus on improving yourself, focus on the kids, be the best husband you can be and make NO demands about anything. Try to get some counseling, rest, meds... whatever. Have to remind myself of that about every hour. I was also comforted by the fact that there are so many men here. Just remember... if your wife is still in the house, she's chosen you... she just doesn't know it yet. L4L: I think it's better to have the wife in the house... my 2 cents....<P>Hang in there,<P>FS

You nailed it FS,<P>This is almost as hard, if not harder, than hearing about the A. For those that don't know my story, my W's fog is thickened by an abortion she had as a result of the A. All the fog lights in the world can't see in that. <P>I had to suck it up, be myself and just love her. Putting all this aside and do that has shown me what kind of man I really am or capable of being. Had you asked me the day before D-Day, I would have said without hesitation that she would be gone. Well, here I am 3 weeks past D-Day, still here, toughing it out. I love her so much and I believe she loves me, but her HEAVY fog has to clear and I think it is. She is coming around slowly, yesterday was such a good day. We laughed, played video games, had sex, it was great <P>Keep tough guys, I know we can do it. We have to be there for US and HER. Like it or not, she f***ked up, but she loves you and you love her, that has to be worth AT THE VERY LEAST a valiant effort. <P>Having her cooperate and "love" you back, really makes it easier.<P>Scarlet Pumpernickle

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 06:09 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hi guys,<P>I'm kind of having a rough day today. My wife just told me that she went to confession, and that is why I didn't get my afternoon phone call from work. The confession is kind of a trigger for me today, and the fact that I didn't sleep well last night isn't helping me be strong.<P>For all those Catholics out there, I'm happy that she has gone to confession but can it really wash away the sins that she had on her soul? I wonder what kind of penence you get for the confessions of this magnitude? <P>I'm hanging in there today, but just barely. I had to go back and re-read this whole thread to get some more strength. I'm thinking the same thing, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Sometimes I think it would have been much easier to lose her completely than to go threw this. I'm very much an "all or nothing type of person", and this has been very hard for me. <P>Basically none of my needs are getting met. I have no security, no intamacy, really nothing much to keep me going. I try very hard every day to meet her needs, knowing full well she really doesn't care about mine. I'm in this state because I still love her, and I love my children. I feel if I didn't have them, the kids, that I would not have had the strength to get this far.<P>Keep the thread alive guys, I will visit often and read it over and over to get more inspiration.<P>40

40, I just got back from my shrink, and I'll tell you something. I have trouble hanging in there everyday. As a lapsed catholic, I can only tell you that your W going to confession has to be a good sign. It means she accepts blame and that's a start. I want this all to end too, but I keep telling myself she can't do anything more than what she is at this point. I am hoping that Easter at her parents will give her more comfort. Last night I gave her some things I downloaded on Self Forgiveness. I gave it to her before she left for work and told her that this was to help her and not "us". She seemed surprised that I would give her something just for her , but I figure She has to deal with her Guilt and forgive herself before she can deal with us. All of you guys have made me feel stronger and like I'm not by myself. My plan right now is to be her friend first and try to help her with her problem. Then and only then I think, can we work on us. Maybe we are all saps, but the one thing I know for sure. We have genuine love for our wives and even if the worst happens, we will be better people and husbands in the future. Good luck guys.<P>------------------<BR>Mark H

Mark,<P>Thanks bud. I think we both realize that we are not in this alone. I thought for a few weeks that I was the only one that was going through this and the only one that would understand. I was so ver wrong.<P>I hope it is a good sign too. I think that she really does know tht what she did was wrong, but I'm not sure that the whole scope is there yet. She has never appologized for the affair happening, only that she is sorry that she hurt me. That really doesn't sound like she is taking ownership to me. That was quite a few weeks ago, so maybe it has changed.<P>I sent my W an email that just said I was having trouble today. I got this back:<BR> <BR><I>I could tell that you were having difficulty today. I am sorry. I will be<BR>home soon, and can give you a big hug.<P>We are all allowed to have a bad day now and then. I think that you have<BR>been doing pretty good, so it is understandable that you may have a 'blip'<BR>now and again. I hope that I haven't done anything to cause the<BR>spinning...<P>I will be home soon, hang in there.<P>Thinking of you.</I><P>It shows some promiss. I'm constantly looking for signs. One day goes great, the next she retreats. It is so very hard and confusing.<P>Thanks for your help Mark. You hang in there tough buddy, and I will do the same.<P>Rob<P><BR>

40,<P>Same thing happens to me.... some days seem good, others seem like we're at square one. There are great signs sometimes, and other times I feel like leaving. I hold to the thoughts that I want to be a great husband, and father to D and baby-on-the-way (mine). Be the man that she fell in love with. Do what you can to court her again, but try not to pressure or demand, and remember not to expect any of your needs to be met for a long time. The email sounds like there's progress.<P>Hang in there,<P>FS

Thanks FS,<P>None of us like to be in a holding pattern, but that seems to be where we are all at in this thread. Life could be much worse, but it sure could be better to. You are right, one minute things are great, the next I'm ready to leave. I had to promiss her and myself that I would not leave unless I just couldn't take it anymore. I have no plans on abandoning my children, so taking them with me was always the plan. I will stick to this plan for as long as I can.<P>I'm a far better person now than the man she fell in love with. She sees things in me she has never seen before, I'm talking about the good things here, there are plenty more that she has seen recently that aren't good. I've been a great father, I have stayed home during the day to take care of my children. I have one of those wonderful IT jobs that can make that possible and still earn a good living. I surprise her when I can, and I do all I can at home. I'm a Mr. Mom that has a good paycheck too, she couldn't ask for much more. But I'm up against a fantasy that could do no wrong, and has stolen the passion that she once had for me. That is hard to live up to and surpass day to day.<P>I have to say the fog is very thick at my house, she can't find her way back and I keep losing my way too. I have more than one light burning to help us, but she doesn't seem to have her eyes open or has forgotten what to look for. I need a gust of wind to clear things out, even if it is short term to hlep us get closer again. I'm not sure what form that wind will come in, but when I find it I'll be very happy.<P>Take care everyone, and I'll do the same.<P>Rob

Do check out... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000602.html" TARGET=_blank>yes,THIS STUFF DOES WORK!</A><P> <P>Jim<BR>