Hi-here's hoping you can all help!<P>I learned of my H's betrayal over a year ago. It wasn't his first but by far his most serious. Only one other incident, a one nighter PA, the more recent was an EA and ended with the two of them wanting to get married. The discovery of said plans by me brought some light onto the subject and he backed away from those plans and has moved back to trying to make this family work. <P>He loves me and the children, of this I am sure, but is from a culture that doesn't have real high expectations of the men nor do they really have "healthy" marriages. In short, he is an Arab. (Sorry if this offends anyone but the facts are the facts!) I believe and feel he is above all of that and just sort of rolled around in the mud with the pigs for a short period of his life as opposed to actually becoming a pig who enjoys and chooses to make a life long habit of rolling in the mud.<P>I know I need to forgive him, for the sake of this marriage and family and for my own sanity and self preservation. I want to forgive him. I know what it means to forgive as well. I just can't get there though. I know I don't need to share this forgiveness with him. I know it doesn't mean he's off the hook. I know it simply means that I will no longer allow this anger and pain brought on by his adolescent behavior to rob me of my life and the very essence of who I am. And that's what I want. I want to get this heavy load off my back and move on. <P>I dont' know how. I've prayed. I've given it up to God, or so I thought, and still I feel so much hurt, anger and even, shamefully, hatred.<P>I saw in a post some book titles and plan to purchase them. Waiting to receive them from overseas takes time so until I finish my readings and can put into action what I have learned, can someone PLEASE give me some advice on how to go about forgiving someone when it still hurts so much. When I'm still so angry. When I still wish for really terrible and awful things to happen to the OW. When I wish I could be the one to do them to her but am too afraid of getting caught!<P>I'm really not a physical or violent person. But this affair has brought out of me a side I didn't even know I possessed. And I thank God that this woman is in another country making my life a living hell from afar. I truly wish her harm. <P>But she has caused enough harm to me already and has made me see things in myself that frighten me and that I no longer wish to live with. <P>I don't believe she's out of my life forever. I believe, for reasons, she will be back. I believe my H is trying and, for now, has ended the affair with no conscious intent of returning. I also believe if tempted he will give in. I consider this woman a very real threat to the sanctity of my marriage, my family, my home. And for valid reasons.<P>How do I forgive when I'm still on guard duty?<P>

Some ideas...<P>Forgiveness references...<P><B>Web sites..</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P><B>Books...</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P><B>Links to posts...</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000076.html" TARGET=_blank>Can I forgive?????</A>…..indy032…..1/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>…..redman…..8/23/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002831.html" TARGET=_blank>on knowing the "truth" </A>…..loveWASblind=lWb/popeye…..5/9/2000<P> <P>Jim

Hi,<BR> Here are some points on forgiveness that I learned from a very good Christian marriage counselling book. I do not have the whole title, and author ino with me right now. If you like, I can find it for you.<P><BR>I. Getting forgiveness in focus.<BR>a. Forgiveness remembers.<BR>b. Forgiveness promotes excellence.<BR>c. Forgiveness promotes growth.<BR>d. Forgiveness is not reconciliation.<BR>e. Forgiveness must come first.<P><BR>II. Bitterness - Barrier to forgiveness.<BR>a. Forgiveness is an inside job.<BR>b. Bitterness breeds excueses.<BR>c. Bitterness breeds insecurity.<BR>d. Bitterness breeds turmoil.<BR>e. Bitterness breeds hatred.<BR>f. Bitterness breeds fear.<BR>g. Bitterness breeds contempt.<P>III. Choosing to forgive<BR>a. Forgiveness has the power to heal.<BR>b. The six statements of forgiveness<BR> 1. I forgive PERSON for OFFENSE.<BR> 2. I admit that the OFFENSE was wrong.<BR> 3. I do not expect PERSON to make up for the OFFENSE.<BR> 4. I will not use the OFFENSE to define who the PERSON is.<BR> 5. I will not manipulate PERSON with the OFFENSE.<BR> 6. I will not allow this OFFENSE to stop my personal growth.<P>The suggestion is to make a list of major offenses done to you by each<BR>major person in your life (say spouse, brother, sister, dad, mom etc..).<BR>Write these six statements for each person and offense. As you reflect<BR>on what you write,<BR>you will be unburdened and feel free from the burden of bitterness.<P> You should also check if you feel guilty about any of your actions that may have caused this affair to happen. It is natural to balance your guilty feelings with blame. Blame can lead to unforgiveness and bitterness. If this is the case you should first try to achieve a clear conscience about your actions by asking God for mercy and forgiveness. Once you have overcome your guilt and stop blaming your husband, it will be easier to forgive him.<P> Forgiveness is hard. But forgiveness is powerful in healing very deep wounds. Forgiving is not forgetting the injustice.<BR>Forgiving is for your mental and emotional health primarily. <BR>Forgiveness is not reconciliation. There should be no reconciliation without true repentance from both parties for their actions.<P>Thanks,<P>Kazak

I thank you both for your replies and will work with all the information you have provided. I have currently come in contact with a Minister and hope that his words will also assist me. <P>Again, thanking you both!