Ok, I've been bad. I keep LBing...aaaahh! If you read my post response to MarkH, D-Day was less than 3 weeks ago. My W confessed and well all hell broke loose. We've decided to continue using the fundamentals on this site including Plan A. We've completed the first two steps; stopping all contact w/ OM; identified some possible missing EN. Now the hard part, me not LBing and W withdrawl from the A. (in addition to dealing w/ a pregnancy because of the A AND an abortion in order to save the marriage) sheesh!<P>Why do I keep LBing? If I'm not drudging up the A, I'm hounding her to "tell me how she really feels about me". I've done good at not drudging up the A, but I'm really wrestling w/ "getting to her true feelings" when she is clearly still in the fog. I know she can't think straight yet but still I continue LBing like crazy! When I don't LB, things are pleasant. We talk, laugh, have sex, it's great, but then Evil Scarlet Pumpernickle comes knocking and F**KS everything up. Does this happen to anyone else?<P>I become obsessed w/ "disecting" everything. She knows me well enough to know that if she "hesitates" or "doesn't answer something quite right" I'll blow it out of preportion. <P>Reading back this post I see I'm answering my own questions, so maybe this is just a venting session. I know I screw up because as soon as my emotional roller coaster comes down, I apoligize immediatley. She even comes to the site and looks up some of the fundamentals and "checks" me on it. In all our years of marriage, we've never dealt with such a traumatic experience, hell, we never even fight! <P>I'll keep posting/venting. Thanks for listening all.<P>PS. SKM, your posts really help W read them and related to some of what you said.<P>Scarlet Pumpernickle<P>

SP,<P>Some of this is normal. You need to get it out of your system. LBing won't really get you anywhere as you know. But, just acting like everything is OK, won't do it either will it.<P>So let me offer a few ideas that I have seen used here. If you have questions of your W, write them down. Then set aside sometime each day, every other day, whatever, to sit down with your W and have her answer them and DISCUSS them.<P>I think confining some of the discussions to a specific time will help her, getting these questions out will help you, and writing them down will help you focus on what you really want to know.<P>I know and your W had better figure out that you are in a lot of pain and you have been hurt to a level you didn't realize existed. This wound must drain and heal. The trick is to do it in such a fashion that your W can help, not be the source of it ripping open again. <P>This is where POJA can be of help. You both want to recover. She would like to forget it happened after all the affair is old hat to her and she doesn't want to face the consequences (the damage to you). This is perfectly normal. <BR>You on the other hand are deeply hurt, and you probably want her to "understand and feel" the pain she has caused you. She won't ever truely understand or feel the pain you are in, if she could she wouldn't have done what she did. HOWEVER, she can recognize that you are in deep pain and do her best to help you <B>heal yourself </B>. Sadly, the damage is done and you are the one that will have to heal.<P>Don't worry, if she is an honorable woman, then she will feel great guilt for what she has done. She will have her trials as well, there is no free lunch as you know. So don't worry about punishing her. If she has morals and integrety (it seems se does) she will realize how much she has hurt herself. You won't have to do anything but help her get over it as well.<P>You see if you begin to realize that you two will have to help each other, I think the Lb's will begin to disappear, but the affects of this affair will take a few years to get over. Trust takes a long time to return.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL