Hello all,<P>My W has gone back and questioned everything about our marriage and now has even gone back to her childhood. It is as if she is rewriting history to justify the affair and her choice to be alone and independent. She has not made that choice yet, but that is where is see this heading. Do all WS do this? Is this part of the fog? <P>It really gets confusing for me when I know se had a good life and marriage before her A happened. While I know we had some issues in the marriage that needed addressing, we didn't see that until her A happened. Now, none of those issues seem to matter anymore because she can't or won't get back in the game. She has made the comment to me that it wasn't all bad, but what does that mean? Does that mean that most of it was bad, and we only had a few moments of happiness here and there? I know that is not the case, but she is looking at it like that and I'm not sure how to handle that. <P>She will never be able to justify the A based on what she has told me, and even with my short comings there can never be any thing I did that would even warrent this choice she has made. What is it about having an A that makes you forget about reality, and not want to work on your problems. Is it kind of a lottery syndrome? Your not happy with the life you have now, so you dream and create a life that will make you happy? Did you guys catch that one?<P>Thanks for your help guys.<P>40

Justification for the A. Thats why history is rewritten. My wife adored me for years. I neglected her, and she ended up in an affair. Now she says she wasted 17 years of her life and is not willing to waste another 17. The good times from the past do not fit neatly into the picture when adultry has been committed. I dont have a solution. I am currently separated from my wife, she continues her affair long distance, and I am doing plan A depositing LUs as fast as I can. Hoping for the best.

Ditto.<P>My wife believes that because I "neglected" her for years that this justifies her affair. It is one of the common threads running through most affairs. I believe that the OP in most situations supports this view.<P>My wife has always had a problem admitting any mistake. At best, she says, we are 50-50 responsible for the state of our marriage. I actually believed this for a while. But after counseling with the Harleys, they will tell you that there is no justification for infidelity. Especially if they still use that as their reason to continue the affair, as in my case.<P>It's sort of like none of us should buy Toyotas because of what the Japanese did to us at Pearl Harbor...<p>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited April 20, 2001).]

Thanks for your responses guys.<P>I'm not sure where she is at right now. I am more than willing to take ownership for my part of teh issues that led up to her A. But I'm not willing to take responsibility for it happening. We have had a good life together. We have had no problems in the relationship other than a lack of comunication, so I'm not sure where she is going to find her justification. All I know is that I need the fog to lift soon, or I'm going to get lost too.<P>Have a great weekend guys.<P>Rob