I've read a lot of the postings on how tough it is to implement and stick to Plan A and it is relief to know I'm not alone. Does anyone have experience/advice about trying to implement Plan A within time constraints that are beyond one's control? Wayward H and I have a complicated life--a joint project out of the country that requires a good deal of separation and then intense periods of working together, stressful enough even without the A. to deal with. Plus, the A. was with a student (H is prof) and she may be sticking around (I've sought and received advice on that problem under General Questions). ...everything comes with a deadline. If we had a "normal" life (is anyone's life really "normal"?), I feel I could continue as long as necessary (maybe) with Plan A..but schedules, timeframes, deadlines, enforced separations...they all keep making me feel like I have "x" amount of time for Plan A... I'd be grateful to hear any advice/similar experiences. octavia99<p>[This message has been edited by octavia99 (edited April 30, 2001).]

octavia99,<P>In Plan A... your working on yourself...<BR>...this may touch your WS... your H...<BR>...it may not.<P>The point is... in the long run... the effect on your H <B>is not under your control</B>.<P>He could see the best person/wife/mother...<BR>...but... <B>it is up to him to decide</B>!<P>Then why should you Plan A...<BR>...it is <B>for you</B>!<P>Now... "how to Plan A?"...<BR>...this is so individual...<BR>...and has to be tailored to each case...<P>If e-mails are allowed... (during periods of separtation...)<BR>If flowers/cards/small gifts can be sent... send them!<BR>Make as many interactions "joyful"...<P>Finding out what is a LB (and they can change over time)...<BR>...is up to you...<P>Make as much of your content as pleasent as you can...<BR>...but... put "honesty" first...<BR>...this is what you will rely on in the future...<BR>...if you can't do it now... can you expect your H to value it "in recovery"?<P>It is hard....<BR>...very hard...<P>I'm praying for you...<BR>...something to help you through those hard times for you!<P> <P>Jim

Octavia,<P>My greatest sympathy for your very personal tragedy. Gods strength be with you. That is the only strength I now possess.<P>You are obviously a very intelligent person. I fancy myself with some intellect. Even the most logical people, will lose their objectivity in these situations.(personal experience) I hope you can avoid my trial and ERROR. I posted because of this quote that you made.<P>"...but then I am passing up opportunities to get her out of his life."<P>You cannot and never will be able to accomplish this. Your H has to get her out of his life. You can take action only with his permission.<P>My personal analogy is a cat. I have never met a cat that, if he did not want to be held, wouldn't scratch himself free.<P>People who have acted with such selfish behavior are desparate. The emptiness created by these acts of "selfishness" create even greater desperation. They have to face the monster. Sometimes smart people create a very elaborate "blanky" to hide beneath, inneffectual as it may be.<P>Gods peace to you<BR>Invictus

Thank you both for your responses. Yes, I am finding it very hard to be objective, and not knowing the right thing to do is tearing me apart. I just found out today (from a source other than my H), that the OW(student) has accepted admission to grad school in our dept. (see my last posting under General Questions, topic: lose/lose situation for details)... Thank you for any additional advice! octavia99 (on a lighter note..how does one get the message icons to appear in posting?) <p>[This message has been edited by octavia99 (edited April 30, 2001).]

It's me again. I guess I still sounded pretty desperate in my first reply and didn't get the points you both were trying to make. I just wanted to update--I had a long conversation with my H, started out not so hot, he was angry, I was defensive and vice versa, but then we got around to the realization that we both seem to want the same thing, to try to work on loving each other and rebuilding the marriage. So I launched full force into Plan A again, decided not to obsess about the cotinued presence of the student in his life. I felt like I had some insights, in no small part from the responses to my first query about Plan A. I thought a lot about how, when my H first told me he thought he didn't love me anymore (when he was in the EA, moving rapidly towards the PA), I prayed and begged God for another chance to show him how much I really loved him and to make up for my shortcomings in the past. So I figured this is my chance...much more of a challenge than it might have been because of the fall-out of the A, but it is still an opportunity for me to be the best person I can be. I felt increasingly good about this, more at peace, less in turmoil. H and I have written a lot of good emails back and forth. I was thinking no matter what happens, the right choice is to avoid causing him any more pain. I started allowing myself to feel again how much I still love him, and my heart started to fill with joy at our having another chance. As has been the case on the "rollercoaster", I am starting to come down again...how do I know if I am feeling good because I am doing the right thing or if I am merely fooling myself again into thinking things really are going to work out?... Any further thoughts?? Thanks, octavia99<p>[This message has been edited by octavia99 (edited April 30, 2001).]

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news...<BR>...but only rarely...<BR>...has continued contact between the WS and OP...<BR>...allowed for reconciliation/recovery to take place.<P>It has happened...<BR>...but is very much against the rule.<P>Does that mean stop Plan A-ing?...<BR>...No way!...<BR>...Plan A is to make you better... whether or not your WS really commit.<P>Should there be a "no contact" letter...<BR>...I guess there can't be in this situation...<BR>...but without it... how do you agree on enforcing "extraordinary precautions"?...<P>Just some quotes... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If there is a failure to totally separate from a lover, it usually means that the measures taken to guarantee separation are inadequate. (page 73 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Any</B> contact with the OP by the wayward, sets the wayward's recovery time back to the beginning. (page 73 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>What if the wayward spouse doesn't want to totally separate from the lover?<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>While there is no hope for reconciliation when the affair is underway, as soon as the affair is ended, reconciliation is definitely possible. (page 74 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... remember the list of "extraordinary precautions" to guarantee separation...<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> Changing jobs and relocating (Situation dependent)<BR><LI> Blocking all communication (phone, e-mail, pager, etc.)<BR><LI> Accounting for time<BR><LI> Accounting for money<BR><LI> Spending leisure time together<BR></OL><P>I don't know the answer...<P>All I can see... is that there will come a time that all this will "come to head"... unless there is true "no contact" between WS and OP!<P>My prayers for you...<P> <P>Jim

Dear NSR, Thank you for your response.... Thanks very much for your support, it means a lot to me, octavia99 <p>[This message has been edited by octavia99 (edited April 30, 2001).]