Can anyone or everyone give me an idea on how often I should approach my WS on how things are going ?<BR>We just spent a good weekend, Went to her parents for the Holiday. Things were good the whole weekend. we watch TV , talked about other things but have not discussed the problem for about two weeks. I have been trying to give her time to get comfortable with being back home, but now I need to know how often and how I should get back to the problem. Should I ask her straight out if she has kept up no contact ( last contact was in the form of a phone call from OP). She has been working a lot and we have limited time together lately ( not related to A, I am sure).<BR>Any and all advise will help. <P>------------------<BR>Mark H

I wish I could help.I have the same question. I either do it for hours into the morning or go for days (a week) without bringing it up. It's all I think about but I don't want to push too hard. D-day was three months ago...gosh, can't beleive I've been going through this that long. Help Mark and please help me!

Yeah, me too. D-Day was over 3 weeks ago and I haven't brought up anything since last Tuesday. How long should I wait or should I just play it by ear and talk about it whenever or however it's brought up? <P>I agree w/ Mark, when we don't talk about the A, everything is great. We do all sorts of things together (more than ever) and I love it. Will I ruin everything by talking about it? Should I let her actions towards me do the talking instead of giving her the 3rd degree about it?<P>BTW, weekend was great In fact, anytime we're together, it's great. It's when I'm alone i.e. work, home alone I have episodes.....uugh Man I hate that. <P>Thanks<BR>Scarlet Pumpernickle<p>[This message has been edited by scarlet pumpernickle (edited April 16, 2001).]

Well guys, I'm not sure if I can help any on this one. I have not mentioned anything about the A for almost 3 weeks now. We have talked about other things related to the A and the discovery, but nothing has been said about the A directly. <P>There is no way that I can get past this without talking to her about this, everyone in this thread is in the same boat. The time has been very good, as long as nothing is brought up about the A. I'm over 14 weeks into this plan A stuff. I have not wanted to ask about contact either, but I feel that I must do it soon. If I don't have some idea of what is going on, I will never be able to sleep. There is also no hope of reconciliation if teh contact is still on going.<P>I feel that the question is justified, and that if our spouses really care about us now that they will understand about our questions. I fester all week on just these types of question running through my mind. As I see it, this is a very critical component of Plan A. If you can't find out if contact is being made from either end, there can be no healing from this point on. If nothing else, at least we can all find out where we stand. <P>OK, here is what I propose: Lets all ask our spouse tomorrow if any contact has been made. The first one on the Forums tomorrow morning needs to start a new thread that we can all answer. We will post to see if our spouses have had any contact with the OP. This includes emails and voice mails that are not being answered. My wife has said that she has not been the one contacting the OP, but she has said that he does contact her. I have asked her not to respond. She has told me that she has not. I will once again give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her. As I see it, what good does it do her to lie to me now, and what ever she could come up with right now could never hurt me as much as she has hurt me already.<P>I will ask tonight or tomorrow. You guys do the same and we will check with each other tomorrow. Sound good?<P>Rob

I'm in...although I don't think I can handle anymore lies from him at this point. We've agreed that honesty and openness are essential elements to maintaining a positive relationship. Lord...give me and everyone here the strength to hear the truth.

I feel the exact same way. It has been about 5 weeks since I found out and all of that time he has been on a consulting project out of town so most of our talking is on the phone or on the weekends. I found out while he was out of town but she lives here. He flew her up there for a week! Now we are in counseling when he comes home on the weekends. My counselor told me not to ALWAYS bring it up and try to have time where we talk normally and have some fun. This is ALWAYS in the back of my mind and I have so many questions I want to ask. We get along good and are happy as long as it doesn't come up. BUT that isn't fair and how can I get past things if I can't ask any questions?? It is so hard and I don't want to make things worse. So, I guess I don't have any advice just the same question you have... Good luck to you.

I found out about my wifes affair 9 months ago, and I brought it up constantly during the first six months. Bringing it up is a form of love busting, it made things worse, and it pushed her toward the OM. Now I never bring it up and we are doing better. She will make her decision in time, and talking about her transgressions will not speed the process. Whether we like it or not, its back to the dating game again. We are in competition with the OP, all we can do is deposit LBs like wildfire and hope for the best. I know our love banks will run dry eventually but until that day comes, we all must give it all we have.

Adviceplease:<BR>How do you get through the weekends? Except for work, this is the most difficult time for me (BS dday 2 months ago). I've been spending a lot of money shopping and wasting a lot of gas driving around. I hate being at work, but being home with him (WS) home provides no solace. What do you do?<BR>Exxon

While you are plan Aing with him,,, take the plung and ask him out for a dinner by yourselves,,, no kiddos... ask him to go for a walk one evening and even if he says no,, get on the road to building your relationship back if you can... I know you are hurting and it will be difficult to "ask him out" but you cant run from it expecially since he has not moved out and he is willing to still be a family... keep your chin up and dont let the past drag you down... It hurts to try to move forward but baby steps will do in the beginning... <BR>blessings]<BR>C1

When I first found out about my H's affairs about 6 weeks ago it seems that was all I was able to talk to him about. He did not tell me. I found out by getting his IM buddy list and chatting with 25 of the 60 women in the list. Turns out he'd been having affairs (cyber/phone/in person) with 10 of them over the last 2 years. At first he denied and denied. Once he read the honesty chapter of Surviving An Affair he opened up and told me everything - without the gory details. Unfortunately some of the women did tell me more then I wanted to know. Since that time we have discussed some aspect of his affairs and our recovery daily. One thing that has really helped me is that he has been so open and easy to talk to. I explained to him that discussing this with me is one of the most loving things he can do right now because I have to understand. I promised him that I would not seek to hurt him or humiliate him in my questions and discussions. For the most part I've been able to do that. There have only been three times when I lost it. On those occassions I appologized. There have been many times that I have cried. He has held me while I cried it off. His response each time was that he caused the hurt so he is responsible for helping heal it. <P>The affairs have been on my mind constantly. Finding out about them threw me into a terrible depression. We have set a pattern where we set aside some time daily, early in the evening so I can bring up anything that has come to mind during the day. If we don't do this, I cannot sleep at night. Then, I get angry with him because he is sleeping like a baby, I cannot sleep and he caused this whole mess. I woke him a couple of times and pointed this out to him. He was not the happiest camper on those occassions but he indulged me, held me, etc. We talked well into the night on those occassions.<P>I have told my H several times how much I love him for being so supportive and loving of me through this. That I has helped renew my faith in him. I explained to him that this was one of the most important emotional needs I had right now (Affection and honesty).<P>My counselor told me that the price one pays for having an affair is to talk about it over and over again. To answer all of the spouses questions until they can find peace.<P>I think that this agrees with what Dr. Harley says. He has mentioned exactly this in one of his books. In the Surviving An Affair book, Jon asked Susan daily if she'd had contact with the OM. I don't think that talking about the A's is a LB. Being nasty about them is.<P>This weekend has been very good because finally, now after 6 weeks, I have not needed to discuss any details or questions about the A's. Instead, when we have talked about things, it has been about our recovery. Fun things, like taking a vacation so we can spend tons of time together, the deck we are building. And important things like our three children.<P>I know that every situation is different. I have been very lucky to have the H I have through all of this.<P>E<P>

<BR>After mulling over my response above all night, I wanted to add something more. Some of the best advice I have received was actually from one of the women my husband was having affairs with. It was in the first week, while I was discovering he'd been having numerous affairs with women he'd met online. To my surprise there were a few of his women who were very supportive of me. They were hurt by all of this too since he had told them that he was single and that each of them was the only one. Some of them chatted with me at length. We were all looking for some insight. (If you want to read my story, read my posting "question about ending the affairs".)<P>This is what she told me... it has set the tone of my approach. <P>"You first have to gain his trust in order for him to open up to you and tell you the truth. You have to be careful about that. Because now he is intimated and ashamed I'm sure. You need to ease in and let him know that you are not going to hurt him, just trying to help him. Forgiveness and love are two powerful tools you can use to save your relationship. Tell him, we all have problems and none of us are perfect and we do all make mistakes in our lives and you are not going to chastise him for what he's done to you. Tell him that you love him and want to help him over come this problem so that you two can have a happy life together."<P>This advice was even more powerful since it was coming from a woman who was crazy about him. A woman who's heart I'd just broken by telling her that he was married and that he'd been lying to her for months. She told me that it was hard to give me the advice because she has feelings for him too. But she said that she understood my pain. <P>After mulling over her advice, I realized that it was the only wise way to go. What really surprised me is that I actually came to feel it in my heart and soul. It helped me realize that he was hurting too. When he returned from a business trip the next day I told him the above. (Never told him that one of his women gave me the advice - think that would have been too much.) It has set the tone for my approach. If I had acted on my original reaction, extreme anger, I probably would have driven him further away. Actually I would have kicked him out.<P>I love my husband, he is my soul mate and he tells me that I am his. When we married, we promised to stay together in "sickness and in health". If I cannot help him with these demons, then what of the others we will face in our lives? The demons will not always be affairs and they will not always be his.<P>Years ago I used to listen to David Viscot's radio show. He always said that in all things we must come from love. It is not always easy, but it is always the right approach.<P>God Bless,<P>E<P>

Just read your message - I am in the same boat - I have so many ?'s but i don't want to always bring it up - why can't he - he ****ed up.<P>That was probably harsh. Any advice it's been about a month now for you - what's been occurring?<P>Help<BR>