Hey 40lbs, MarkH, breaking,<P>I asked about contact last night AND love busted, oops. See what happended is as you all know it's soooo difficult to just not talk about it. I at least need a progress report as to how things are going, it's a fine line. She says there has been NO CONTACT at all <P>So, reluctantly I asked and she started to cry ( I felt like s**t ) but, I got some info from her that I haven't gotten before. She says talking about it is a total love buster and makes it very difficult in her healing. She said she is not ready for it yet, but she will tell me when she it. W also said that Plan A is working!!! She feels safe and happy at home, she is enjoying all the "extra" attention and things I am doing around the house (an EN not being met). She thinks things are going good (woo hoo!). I haven't been this happy in a long time! It's just so good to know that all this hell I am going through is worth it. <P>W said she is scared to express her feeling because the fog has her guessing about everything and she doesn't want to hurt me w/ with anything she has to say. I told her yes, it would hurt us both, but if she needed ANYONE to talk to about it, I would shoulder it. I wanted to be that kind of person in her life. I did tell her how grateful I was for the simple fact that she was there, laying in bed next to me. I was also grateful for the steps she's taken that led up to her being there i.e. ending the A, no contact, telling me about he A when she didn't have to etc.<P>Now that I know Plan A is working, I'm making her happy and that she thinks it's working, I can proceed full tilt and give 132% to Plan A. I have to be honest, I never thought Plan A could work, it just seems too hard. But I guess I was wrong eh? <P>W also noted that my love busting (keep bringing it up when she isn't ready) is really pushing her away. It's making it extremly hard to concentrate on us and as she puts it "to get over it". I asked her if she thinks she will overcome the doubt and confusion, she believes she can (woo hoo!).<P>Just a positive note and FINALLY, light at the end of a long, dark tunnel

The long run of recovery requires that you not just forgive...<P>...but to learn how to "replace" all the bad thoughts with good thoughts through the of meeting the ENs...<BR>...a sacrifice of love.<P>(forgeting is all but impossible...<BR>...but love can move out the temptation to "remember the hurt"...)<P> <P>Jim

My heart goes out to SP. I am actually warmed by the positive experience you had talking to your wife. Isn't it great to make some progress in this situation? It appears that you have been doing all of the right things to get your marriage back on track. I will add you and your spouse to the long list of my MB friends that I keep in my prayers everyday!<BR>Take care

glad to hear this approach is working for you ! My instincts tell me this is the right thing to do, but sometimes my ego gets in the way big time. I am going to follow your lead and see if the comfort level helps. I do think I need to know if there has been any contact, and I'm not sure how to bring that up without making it a LB. I also don't know how I will react if the B******d has called her again. Got to control my emotions and ego.

Hi guys and breakingslowly,<P>I asked her in an email today, but she called to tell me the response. No contact since April 2nd. I know one of you will be very excited about this. She said she was not mad that I asked the question, and understood why I needed to know. But she did say that she just doesn't want to think about it and that it hurts when she does. I was kind and supportive and listened to her every word. All I added was that no matter what happens between her and I, we will forever carry this with us. At the time, I wanted to let her know that we would still have this hurt even if we seperate and get a divorce. That is thankfully how she took it, and did not see it as a Lbuster. But now that I have typed it, I can see how it would look like one.<P>Progress is being made here on my end, but it is going much slower. I hate the fact that everything I ask could be missunderstood as a Lbuster. So I ask very few questions.<P>SPumpernickle, it looks like you are right on track! Good for you man! I'm glad someone is getting closer to a normal life again. Safe and happy is a wonderful place to be. Keep it up, and you have my thoughts and prayers.<P>Bslowly, I hope that you are doing well and your H is working on himself. Keep the faith girl! I'm praying for you. <P>Good luck Mark, I hope all is going well for you to. Keep the emotions in check if possible. I felt an email was my best approach given taht I have been known to hit the high (moral) road and love bust big time. I'm hopefully done with that now, but I'm not going to take any chances until I see some real signs of improvement.<P>Take care all.<P>Rob<P><p>[This message has been edited by 40 pounds lighter (edited April 17, 2001).]

I won't say Plan A isn't tough, it is, but done w/ the proper mindset of both the WS and the BS, it really can work. <P>Here is something I do to make those "episodes" less damaging. I've disected the entire A and put pieces of the puzzle together that I know. Instead of dwelling on the negative and looking at the images as they pop in my head, I think about how "lucky" I am. Lucky you ask? Well, she DID end it on her own, she DID tell me about it when she didn't have to, she DID compromise her priciples in dealing w/ the pregnancy, she IS working in making this marriage just as good, if not better than it was before. Looking at it that way, yeah, I'm lucky. She could be laying in bed next to OM at night instead of me. It seems to work, for me anyways. I let her little kisses and hand holds occupy my thoughts. <P>I did find something out yesterday though. I read some posts about the diffrence between affairs and relationships. I found one particularly interesting where the WS confides in the OP about short comings in the marriage (BS). She said that she never, ever said anything bad about me or complained, that's what makes it even more confusing for her. She isn't and never was unhappy w/ me or our marriage. In fact, she said she spent alot of time talking to OM as to why she's doing this when she is so happy w/ me. Hey, don't ask me, I'm just as clueless.<P>Anyways, just an update. Keep strong MarkH, 40lb and breaking. Make your homes safe, happy and LB free. You need to walk on eggshells in regards to questions. You have to ask about contact, it't the foundation upon which Plan A is built. The rest, can wait as time heals things over. Everyone is diffrent and everyone heals their own way. Identify any EN not being met and overwhelm her with it, it does make the recovery process sooooo much easier.<P>Scarlet Pumpernickle