Here is my story : My wife and I have legally separated after 17 years together. We have two childeren 15 & 9. My wife and I started our relationship after having known each other a very short time when she became pregnant unexpectedly. We were faced with deciding if we wanted to be<BR>married when we hardly knew each other. She never pressured me, we finally got married, I never was 100% dedicated to her, and now I have realized after researching this website that I did not meet my wifes emotional needs over the years. That fact coupled with alot of love busters and neglect sent her into the arms of the wrong man.<P>Obviously we had a rough beginning, but after five or six years, I straightened myself out and things seemed to be going OK. Then her mother died, and she began to fall apart. I tried to help her by playing music with her around town (we are entertainers) but I did not want to be in that party atmoshere anymore, so I didnt put much effort into finding work for us in music. Playing music with me was a life long dream of hers, so that also broke her heart. Shortly afterward I started a real estate business against her wishes, and I began to work 12 hours per day 6 days per week. <P>After the music dream was crushed and I was speding alot of time chasing the dollar, she gradually began to spend alot of time away from home out in the bars. Little by little she became more and more distant and removed from me and the kids. In the past she was a great stay at home wife and mother but as she withdrew from me and the kids , she also withdrew from her duties as a wife and mother. She was<BR>ignoring the house and the kids and her husband.<P>In april of 2000, she fell and broke her ankle in a bar. She was brought home by a couple of guys in the middle of the night. She ended up having to have surgery on her ankle. I was so upset with her for everything she had done in recent years that led up to this injury that I was not willing to baby her and wait on her. Then I made the biggest mistake of my life. <P>She asked me If an old family friend (44 year old male) could come over and help out around the place while she was down. He was out of jail on a pass. She said he was<BR>like a brother to her. Her family had known him since childhood. He had been in trouble (in and out of jail) all of his life but he had a good side and needed a chance to prove himself. <P>I said OK, and I will never forgive myself for it. I cant believe I was so apathetic and indifferent. He moved in alright. He waited on her hand and foot. He looked<BR>around at our nice house on the lake, and he saw pay dirt. I made it so easy for him with my bad attitude toward her. I wouldnt even drive her to her surgery, I let him do it. <P>After she could get up and around again, he began to drive her around town. She was on hyrocodone for the pain. They drank beer, visited his old friends, and spent our money like wildfire. I asked him to leave (he was sleeping on the porch) after about five weeks but it was too late ;he had stolen her heart.<P>He deposited so many LUs in such a short time, he complimented her, he waited on her, he said he cared about her. He commented on how cruel and infeeling I was. Soon after I asked him to leave he was put back in the county jail but by then they were addicted to each other. <P>They had spent three care free months together. No real life worries, and he thrill of a new love. She was hooked. They kept it alive with letters ,telephone calls, and visits to the jail. Everyone was/is againt the relationship. Her Dad, her brothers, my family her friends everyone!!<P>I tried plan A for the next six months, but I was a miserable failure. I could not seem to keep my anger at bay. She would tell be she would stop all contact, then I would find out she was lying. She tried all of the tricks and coverups. "Were just friends" '"You are paranoid" etc. etc.<P>Finally after six months of torture. I moved out with the kids. Now for my question : I have been out for a month, and she is still in regular contact with him, yet she is forever asking me to spend time with her in one way or<BR>another. She is particularly interested in playing music with me. I am the pro, and she is the novice, so she really feels more confident when I am on stage with her. She has been going to church with me and the kids. She asks me to do little chores for her all of the time. She ven talks about the future , talking about things "we" will do or places "we" will go. She has not wanted to be sexual at all though, and as a man that is a problem with me. I take it as an indication that she is being faithful to her man in jail. I am trying to do the plan B thing, but I guess I tend to want tp provide for her as I always have. <P>She says there is still hope, that music may bring us back together, and that we have to become friends again and heal before we can be together as man and wife.<P>I have found a few of their letters. They write like highshool sweethearts, and they are just so love sick. Sometimes I feel like a fool for doing anything at all for her. Then at other times when we connect on stage and enjoy<BR>each other, I think maybe I am doing the right thing : depositing love units as fast as I can, so that when he gets out and fantasy turns to reality, she may find that her relationship with him is not all she has imagined it to<BR>be. <P>Its just so hard to know what to do. I still love her, and I have a new appreciation for her aa a woman and a life partner. This is not plan A or plan B. What is it? Im I just a fool being used or does it matter as long as I am<BR>gaining emotional ground while the clock ticks until the day their fantasy world is invaded by reality? Someone please help me.<BR>

Welcome <B>david87</B>...<P>You've learn alot already...<P>but... there is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>When confused about a transition from Plan A to Plan B...<BR>... (I from just this post... it seems you should be very close to Plan B)...<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$120US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Both Steve and Jenn have excellent reputation for assessing the situation accurately... and can help you make the right choice (either to stay in Plan A... or move to Plan B)!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Thanks for the information for new members, and thanks for taking the time to read my story. I have been absorbing information from this site for weeks before I ever posted anything. The plan A/plan B question relates to the constant contact (insigated by her) that we have. As you know plan B is supposed to be a no contact type plan. I moved out with that intent but she continues to draw be back into her life for one reason or another. Should I take a stand and totally avoid her while she continues her affair or is it smart to be a part of her life while I still have the opportunity to deposit LUs?

It all depends on the balance of your Love Bank...<BR>...when it gets too low... go to Plan B.<P>Check out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>.<P> <P>Jim

david:<P>It also depends on what kind of a job you did in Plan A. If you were truly a miserable failure, then I'd suggest you get yourself into counseling with Steve or Jenn (I did it, and Steve helped tremendously) and work on effective changes to your behavior.<P>Then, I'd try some time in a "separated" Plan A. You have some hooks that you can use to your advantage. Right now, you'd have to ask yourself "what kind of husband is my wife giving up?". It's probably not quite the image you were hoping to leave her with. If you can possibly improve it by some more Plan A, then do so. But as Jim indicates, if you go back to do more lovebusting, you'll kill your chances.<P>

Thanks for the advice. It feels so good to hear from others who have been there. I geuss what I have been doing over the last month since I moved out is a separated plan A, and it seems to be working well. I have gone into LB mode only twice in a month. I know , not good, but better for me. I have also come to accept that I have no control over her actions only over mine, and I have also accepted the fact that she may never come back to me. I think I'm improving my image each day, and I will continue to play music with her ; you are correct ; my musical talent is what drew her to me in the first place, and I believe our shared interest in music could very well be the "hook" that will bring us back to reconciliation. By the way my competition "the convict" has no musical talent, nor does he appreciate <BR>listening to music.