Its so strange. Just after my wifes affair was discovered. She pledged to work on the marriage. We had more sex than we had had in years, but she continued to contact the OM every chance she could get. This angered me and I did alot of love busting in response. Little by little the sex dwindled until now. We have separated, and she will not have any sex with me at all. She will occasionally cuddle, and she even flirts with me in a sexual way many times, but still so sex. When I make passes at her she says it makes her uncomfortable. She still wants to sepnd time with me as friends. She says we must start over from scratch. No expectations (for sex)or anything else. I have needs/testosterone levels that are nagging at me to find someone else to love, but my christian values and my love for her are telling me to just wait for her. But for how long? How long can I stand this strange situation? Anyone have a success story with this problem?

Hi David,<P>I hope that it gets better too. No sex at my house for about three months now. I didn't even get more at the begining like you did. The switch was just turned off one day, and now she can't get it back on. I have not really made any sexual advancements during this time, which has been very hard for me. I figure part of plan A is being a nice guy, and nice guys don't expect sex. I'm really having a hard time with it though.<P>I hear that it is like this. I hope that it gets better, but if it doesn't I guess we will be practiced up for the long road ahead.<P>Good luck, and keep those cold showers flowing.<P>Rob

David,<P>Yes, it get's better. Plan A does not mean being a "nice guy" always, and in every way. It does not mean being like a "love-sick puppy", most of all. Resist the temptation to act like this, and you may be surprised at the result. Your W is seperated form you. Ask if she is dating. If she is, date yourself. Act like you don't need her all the time. Refuse one or two dates if you have the courage. Show her you have a life without her. Be independant and confident. This will atract her more than anything. <P>You may think that you risk losing her, if you act a little disinterested. REALLY? What do you have to lose?<P>My W was in approximately the same space your W is in, some time ago. She expressed the same sentiments your W is expressing now. Don't smother her with affection. Act like a confident "man of the world", who could have any woman he wants.(you could, you know). The best advice ever given me was by a good friend who sent me the book: "STOP YOUR DIVORCE!", which has brilliant stuff in it. Read it. If you mail me at muzohead@hotmail.com , I'll mail you a copy.<P>So yes, I've had a success story with this problem! There's hope, and light at the end of the tunnel!<P>Don't give up, I'm willing to bet she'll respond to you.<BR>good luck<BR>muzohead<P>muzohead@hotmail.com

Dear Dave<BR>Read everything you can about responding to the withdrawing spouse. As you can tell, they have considerable power by NOT doing anything. <BR>I guess I was lucky and was getting lucky at least one time a week, even when we were separated. Ironically, it is no more frequent, now that W is back. <BR>Don't you dare go to just any counselor. There is an incredible bias in the field that THE MALE IS WRONG. Drive hundreds of miles to see Harley. <BR>Don't push. Don't act like you need anything. You must fake it. You can't let her know you are hurting. She has clearly shown that she doesn't care much about your hurt. Part of her power is knowing that you are hurting from her withdrawal. (It seems like they are manipulating us on purpose though, so be careful of your own resentments.)<BR>Your only job is to be cheerful.<BR>Smile a lot.<BR>Pay close attention, but be a bit distant.<BR>Don't go to any flowershops or buy any cards for a time<BR>Good Luck<BR>r

Thanks for the good advice guys. It really feels good to have people care enough to take the time to respond. I have been getting closer and closer to being more independant. I know the "sick puppy" thing is so unattractive, and I will stop it as of today. I am contemplating a total plan B, but I am still a little unsure about it because much of the time we spend together seems to be enjoyable for her even though I am in pain most of the time I am with her. I guess I can start with a little dose and increase as needed.

By the way, you asked if she is dating. Read my post "my wife and the convict" and you will see that she is "dating" I guess, but she cannot have any physical contact with the OM. I really think this affair would be over by now , If he had been available. Its so frustrating because thier relationship is a "fantasy in limbo"