Hi Married 15 yrs here 3 great kids. H is having trouble breaking off first A- its with a single coworker who is desperate to marry him- big love affair thing for a year that turned physical a few months ago. H confessed on Valentines Day when I confronted him so I am 2 mo past D-day.OW knew me and had seen our home and met our kids before their A turned full blown- she is jealous of my life as a SAHM. H has broken it off with OW 4-5 times but then he re-initiates contact and she ups the ante on what she insists he do to me- first move out for a few wks, see a divorce attorney, look at apts., then last wk he secretly filed for D on me then the very next day said it was a big mistake and cancelled the divorce papers. Ow took a job transfer to another state a few wks ago- she said she was tired of him coming home to my bed ( his own wife!) We started counseling then and told the counselor, 'he just cant seem to stop!" OW is very competitive and he feels guilty breaking it off with her.H is living back home now but theres been no sex for 6 mo between us( since his A turned physical with OW) though he sleeps in my bed and is polite except gets defensive when asked about the A.Has anyone been in a similar spot? I feel like we've been living like roommates for quite awhile now. Yet H is not ready for any affection yet so he says. If you were me would you stay in plan A? for how long? Thanks for your opinions- lifeismessy

Welcome <B>lifeismessy</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do stick with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Plan A is the first 2 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<BR>...and should be a <B>lifetime</B> plan.<P>Work also on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>As far as counseling...<BR>...if one counselor isn't working... don't stick with him/her!<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$120US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>You're really "in recovery" (the start of it anyway)... check out support on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A> forum!<P>You're not alone!<BR>You have my prayers.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

We have similiar situation at my house. Starting with dday Valentine's night. I'll never forget the pain. And now it will never be the same, nor will birthdays, anniversaries Christmas or any of the things people in love and loving share. We have been married 17 years in June..maybe, and have two great teenage children. <P>Like you we are more like roommates and bedmates than man and wife. At first we continued to make love , have sex or whatever. Then he told me that he feels like he's cheating on her when he's with me. Ouch!!!!! He can't even have her, she's 2000 miles away and married.<P>My husband does not reject affection but he clearly doesn't want it from me. I get very little from him. He was never very demonstrative, but I miss it so much. We are no longer natural together. Every interaction is calculated by me. Will he think I'm pushing, needy, etc.<P>I have been on Plan A for about 4 weeks. It's been the worst time of my life. A rollercoaster all day and all night. He does not know whether he wants to continue in the marriage. So all of you BS's who are having a hard time rebuilding, at least you are trying. We are in limbo, a horrible place to be.I have been somewhat successful for the past two weeks focusing on my children a few friends who don't knw what's going on, and God. He especially has given me what little strength I have to go on in the face of who knows what. The fine folks here have also been unbelievably supportive. They give great advice. I wish I could give you some, but I am depressed most of the time. I will suggest that you read...read...read. I made many mistakes with hubby before I found this site. I don't want you to do the same. <P>I should admit I had a major relapse last night after I discovered he is still corresponding via email with the OW. I was not angry or abusive, just sad and I couldn't stop crying. He asked me why. I just told him I was tired. I didn't see any reason to discuss what I had discovered. It would have been a major LB. He was very comforting to me all night long. I wanted him so bad!!!! Part of me wants to believe that we connected last night, but this morning reality set in. He acted like he didn't know me.<P>I've spent the entire day reading here on MB and crying. I hate to go home and I hate coming to work. The only thing that usually sustains me is my new found belief that the Lord has some plan for me and us. I am trying to trust whatever that is.<P>I know I didn't help you, but I did want you to know that you are not alone in your situation. I wish you the best and will try to keep an eye on you here. If you have not seen your doctor, you should do that. Although I ended up comforting mine when I told her what happened. She has known us for 15 years and delivered both of our children.<P>Take care<BR>

Hi:<P>I may have a different point of view... and I may not be right. But the way I see it... Plan A, in a way, tolerates infidelity... which conflicts with Dr. Harley's rule of not putting up with it. If you cross the line and are putting up with it... allowing their relationship to deepen... and letting him have his cake and eat it too... then it allows him to continue in his behavior.<P>So are you making progress in Plan A... or not? If he's not having sex with you... he's not letting you meet his most important need... which he is shopping out to her.<P>I think Plan B is better. I did Plan A... the behavior continued... I'm in Plan B... I feel better... and the choice has got to be made. Plan A allows the situation to continue.<P>God bless<P>Laura

Laura,<P>There is a certain paradox in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> in that Plan A creates a foundation for both recovery and plan B. Without a successful Plan A Plan B becomes punishment and can be construed as a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A> in the form of a disrespectful judgment. However, Plan A does not condone the affair it does let the WS see that they can be forgiven. Plan B should be entered into only after a determined period of time in Plan A and the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> of the BS is almost depleted. Another misconception about Plan A, is that it is <B>not</B> about meeting <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> but about about not committing <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>.<P>I hope this clarifies this. I feel certain my mentors <B>NSR</B> and <B>K</B> will affirm this viewpoint.<P>Bill<P>------------------<P><BR>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.<P>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited April 30, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited April 30, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited April 30, 2001).]

I've been in Plan A for 4 months. D-Day was Oct. 22, 2001, definately EA...suspect PA. I feel my W. of 9 years is struggling with a serious addiction. She will seem like her previous self for a short while then revert to this "new self" again. Just about the time I think we can enter the recovery mode - relapse. I can see why the Harleys loosely define how long you should remain in Plan A: in my case, I still have much love for my W., despite what she's done and continues to do. It is sickening, this back and forth. I also think the OM (single/divorced) is obsessed with her. She has tried to break it off several times and he makes her feel guilty (oh, the irony there). Lavishes her with gifts and who knows what else. I have abandoned checking up on her - that can become an obsession itself.<P>W. used to be fairly affectionate and we enjoyed good and regular sex. It actually increased after D-Day but has almost completely stopped in the past few months (MAYBE once a month). Still no affection otherwise. This is my biggest clue that it is continuing, although I've read post that say it takes a long time to get that back. Also have read that recovery takes as least as long as the A. lasts, so I guess we have to be in it for the long haul. <P>I am Plan A-ing until I know I have no alternative. We have had many discussions about me not being willing to share the love of my life with some other guy, but I suppose they don't think we're serious. In my case, don't you think 6 months is long enough to figure out what you want? There lies the rub: why should they do anything different? I sympathize with you and your situation. It is mentally and physically exhausting. I have been re-reading the Plan A material and trying to be a better person myself. This actually works - keeps your mind off the A. for awhile and maybe we'll be a more desirable partner.<P>Hang in there,<BR>MM