Lets try this agian, just some technical difficulties.<P>Hi to all you Plan "A"ers out there,<P>I swear that I'm no better off than I was 15 weeks ago, with the only exception being that I'm in much better shape physically.<P>My W of almost 11 years had an A for about 6-9 months. Th OM lives about 1,000 miles away but visited here on business trips. That is over and so is the contact now. The OM's W and I put an end to it as far as we can tell. I've been doing the plan at this end and the plan has been underway at the other end for some time too. <P>Here is what I have right now. My wife and I have a great time on the weekend, we spend almost all of it together and with our children. We both enjoy the time we spend together and try to make the most of itWe enjoy the companionship, the friendship and the closeness. We enjoy talking to each other and going to church as a family, Catholic. I can hug her, give her kisses and hold her at night. She will do the same for me. We are closer now than we may have ever been.<P>Here is what I don't have. There is no intamacy, none after D-day. We talk about things, but not about the A and the details. We have no comitment from her as to which way she wants to go. We have very little trust for each other. Hers for the A, and mine due to all the LBing done after D-day. I know much of this is normal, but I'm upset as many of you can understand.<P>Now the big stuff, if that is possible. There is a very good chance that my job will be eliminated by the end of the year. I have one of those wonderful IT jobs that seem to get the axe first. While I know I can find another job, the added stress on the situation is hard to deal with. I have chosen not to tell my wife this right now as I feel it will complicate the situation. More on this later.<P>There has been a new developement in my life that has me at my wits-end. I may have a serious medical problem. In fact it might be cancer. I have been having some problems for about 9 months and have been in to the doctor recently to check into it. I go back on Monday for some more tests. Once again, I have chosen not to tell my wife about this as I feel it will just complicate the situation. We have a love for each other that makes us want to take care of the other person, no matter what. <P>While at one time, I was willing to make her stay for just about any reason, the kids, the finaces, the family or me... I'm not willing to live life like this and would not want her to live life unhappy. I truly think she would be happy again in the relationship if she were just open to that, but she is so stuck in the fog right now that I wonder if she will ever make it out. I want her to stay because she wants to, not out of obligation.<P>Here is where my common sense is fuzzy. I'm thinking that I may want to go threw this mess alone and not burden her with the aftermath. I have decided not to tell anyone in my family, and not tell her. If I get a diagnosis of Cancer, I feel like I might file for D soon after. There has already been so much pain at our house and in our lives that I just want to sheild her from what may a horrible year. <P>I'm very scared. I'm 34 years old, I have two very young children 6 and 4. I have three of the most stressfull events anyone could have going on in thier life, and they all have to hit at the same time. Is it wrong for me to hold back this info? Is it wrong for me to feel like I need to go this alone and sheild my W from this mess? Do I need some guys in little white jackets to come get me? This can't be Karma comming back to haunt me, I've done very little wrong in my life. <P>Sorry guys, I know it is long and more info than anyone needs to know. Any and all advice is welcome at this point.<P>Thanks,<P>Rob

Dear 40 lbs. lighter, I'm no expert at this stuff, but maybe I can offer at least empathy. You know those little self-help "how much stress do you have in your life" checklists, wherein you check off the stressful events and then add up the points to see where you stand? Well, you clearly are way over the "it can be managed alone" limit--I was too. My "stress events" points added up to the fact that I should have spontaneously combusted (two deaths of close family members, moving out of state, loss of job, big C scare (biopsy negative, I pray yours is too!) and then H has an A (wanted divorce at first, which also affected my own career as we have joint project). There was even more, specific to my occupation and living abroad that I'll leave out for now. I can't say that I've never done anything wrong in my life, but I too KNOW I didn't deserve all that and all in rapid succession. So...what advice can I give you? Don't worry about everything at once--if you justifiably feel overwhelmed, let it wash over you, but don't get stuck in feeling doomed. You are going to make it to the other side. And get as much support as you can! Are you close with any/some of your family members? Do they know about your other problems or is everything a secret? I think it is very important that you have someone to share your fears and your turmoil with now, someone you can trust, someone besides your WS. But...I think you shouldn't hold back the truth from her. From what you describe, it sounds to me like things are actually going pretty well between the two of you. Is the 15 weeks your time since D-day? That actually isn't too long and your progress seems average or better than average, based on what I've seen here. I can understand your not wanting your W to stay with you out of "pity"--but you are NOT trying to be manipulative and if you and your W are indeed to going to rebuild your marriage, honesty on BOTH sides is so important. How would she feel finding out you hid such important and potentially life-altering facts from her? A revelation such as this MAY help lift her fog...or it may not. But not telling doesn't seem right. And I would NOT make any decision like filing for D while all this other stuff is going on...you are probably going through all sorts of confusing and wrenching emotions and this is not the time to make a decision like that. Keep all your options open. Maybe you feel that everything is so out of control, you just want out of it all? I know I felt that way, all my problems were so overwhelming and so interlinked, I often felt like disappearing, changing my identity and giving up anything that reminded me of all the pain. Also for the sake of your children, no matter what happens eventually between you and your W, the two of you will need to work together to protect them. Here's another tidbit, maybe pertinent. One of those two deaths I mentioned, that was my grandfather. He had non-acute leukemia and kept the fact from my grandmother until one day she picked up the phone while he was talking to the doctor. She came to me, panic-stricken and eventually confronted him. Right up until the end, he kept as much of his condition to himself as possible. He wanted to "shield" her, just as you want to shield your loved ones. He had laid out all the insurance policy and cemetery information in his top drawer for her to find just before he died. But they never talked about it. Two days before he died, he drove himself to the doctor and then the pharmacy. The doctor had wanted him in the hospital, later said he could not believe my grandfather was up and around while in so much pain. The day my grandfather died, my grandmother was devastated. She had lost him---but she had also been deprived of any chance to prepare for it. I hope and pray that your situation never gets anywhere close to this, but the concepts behind it are perhaps relevant. There are many wise and wonderful persons on MB and I know you will get some great and inspiring responses now that day is dawning on that side of the world, but I just wanted to send you something for starters. Best wishes and my prayers are with you, octavia99

Rob, my heart goes out to you! You have a lot on your plate right now; more than any one person should have to deal with at one time.<P>Regarding your marriage, you said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We are closer now than we may have ever been.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Good for you. Sounds like you are making progress. The lack of intimacy could be due to the fact that you and your W are not experiencing the same state of marriage at the same time. (Negotiating in the Three States of Marriage - One spouse can lead the other back to Intimacy). Read the article and see if you can determine where each of you are in your marriage. <P>Your health problems are another issue and should NOT be faced alone. You NEED ALL the support you can get. Most important is a POSITIVE attitude. I personally feel that you should not keep anything from your W. (The Rule of Honesty for a Successful Marriage - "Future Honesty)<P>I understand and sympathize with your situation. I too have had many medical problems over the years, including cancer. I found that a positive attitude is extremely important as is honesty with your loved ones. You NEED their support, you NEED their comfort, you NEED their strength and their prayers.<P>For me, surviving cancer was much easier than trying to survive my H's EA. My continued medical problems (not "C" related) have had me wondering IF my H was staying with me out of a sense of duty or because he truly loves me. It's a tough call and only time will tell. One advantage (?) that I can see for us is that we are both older than you and have no small children. My H is developing a few more aches and pains every day, which is making him a little more sympathetic and understanding of my health problems. A thought just now crossed my mind..... maybe he needs me to take care of him more than he feels a duty toward me?<P>I think it's wrong for us to make decisions for our spouses. By withholding your job and health situations from her, YOU are making decisions for her. Either she can handle it or she can't. But to consider D to save pain and sorrow is not the answer. Give her the opportunity to decide what she wants to do. Do NOT shut her out; that might be the biggest LB of all.<P>My prayers are with you, Rob. We can all offer advice, but it's your life and you must do what's best for you.<P>Toni

Thank you both for your very good replies. It is comforting to hear of similar situations, although I sure wouldn't wish any of our situations on anyone.<P>My common sense has started to return. Actually two good friends from distant reaches of the country have kick started it a little. They don't even know my wife personally, but have both basically told me the same the two of you have. It is unfair to keep all this info from my W. And very wrong to D her before she has a chance to take a better look at our marriage.<P>I will know more by the end of next week. My appointment is next Monday and the results should be in by Wednesday. I can't mention anything to her before then anyway. Now my father-in-law is in the hospital for heart problems. We just found out this morning. She has just as much as I do on her plate right now, she just doesn't know it.<P>This is 15 weeks since D-day. And none of my family knows anything is going on with my marriage, my health or my job. I'm a person that likes to have the answers before I tell people there is a problem. That doesn't always work, but I try to give it a shot. My progress may be better than average at this point, but it still hurts. I'm sure you can understand that I want so much more. Just that human nature thing i guess.<P>You both gave wonderful examples for me to look at. They were very revealing to me. I had a chance to look at my situation from a different direction. Sometimes the pain of it all just gets to much, and I too just want to disapear. But that isn't an option for me.<P>Take care. I once again thank you both for your help. It has helped me regain some of my lost common sense.<P>Rob