My wife refuses to stop contact with her L. We have separated, but I have been doing a plan A. She has prompted <BR>me to date someone. Has anyone tried this? what are the effects on BS and the WS?

Dating while you're married...<BR>...will only make you feel like a WS...<BR>...not a good feeling.<P> <P>Jim

David,<BR>Yup, but you need to know my circumstance. We've been to gether 14 years..not married (which I think is important).<BR>When he kept up contact with her, I DID tell him I loved him, but was going on with my life (My Plan C- gotta thread about it somewhere) and that included dating, which I did. I went out with male friends and did inform them that he and I decided to see other people, but I was in NO WAY ready for an intimate relationship. I still saw him too. It did change the way he regarded me, and he did find the jealosy hard to handle. It was a little bit of payback too. He finally did break contact with her, and we've started in recovery. I do not recommend this if there is not a legal separation of sorts. But, like I said, we were not married, and commitment is a huge problem for him. Will we eventually get married..I certainly hope so.<BR>T

Thanks for the feedback. I should have stated that we are legally separated. I have custody of the kids and have moved to another town. I have observed that she becomes very jealous with any mention of me having even casual contact another woman. I really dont want to be intimate with anyone, I just feel that she needs a dose of reality. She has had her cake.... for so long now. I have put up with her A and have remained loyal, but as we all know this arrangement in temporary.

It's a hard decision. If you're comfortable in the idea of just going out for coffee or something like that, then do it. Just make sure, like Twyla did, that the OP knows your situation and that you don't want anything intimate or emotional. <P>Perhaps I'm assuming here, but I'm like you. H and I are separated, I am the one who has the kids. H tells me that I should go out, that he will come over and watch the kids so I can. When I asked him, "are you saying you want me to go out with other men?" His response was, "I didn't say that". That's when we were what I thought, on the road to recovery. <P>I would like to 'date' but know I am not ready for it. My ultimate goal is to have my H back with me, and me alone. My main reason for wanting to date, is purely to make H jealous. I guess that makes me think like Twyla! (grin). I like that plan C idea! <P>Anyways, I'm getting off topic into my own situation here, AGAIN! (sorry folks..grin). Did you wife actually SAY she wants you to meet with other women? Because if she responds in such a jealous manner, then it makes me wonder. Perhaps she is like my H, and wants us to 'go out', but don't really want us to meet someone new.<P>IMO, they need justification for their betraying us. If we do see OP, then it keeps it ok for them to do the same. But somewhere inside of them, they don't want us to do that. But it sure is tempting, don't you think?, to make them jealous by seeing OP?<P>I know I'm not really helping any here, but I wanted you to know that someone else on here is going through very similar things at the same time as you.<P>I have an idea for you that someone on here did (and I think I'll do the same). She was plan Aing, and H was watching the kids for her so that she could go out. She became involved in a single parents group called "Parents without Partners" (PWP). They hold meetings regularly, many of which are geared at 'getting over' it all. So she went to these meetings. At the same time, she was in contact with OM that attended these meetings too. She told her H that at the first meeting, 3 men there asked her if she was dating yet. She told them no, and that she wasn't ready. She continued to go to meetings (and sometimes just said she was, but went shopping or something else for 'her'). All the while, her H is realizing that she could easily get dates, and was getting jealous. She legitimately could continue plan Aing, she was seeking help and support and getting it (like we do on here..grin), AND she was making H jealous. I thought the plan was brilliant!! And it happened to work for her too. I think it's almost foolproof. However, I'm not sure if it would work the same way since you and your wife live in different towns. Maybe there is something in that story that will help you?<P>Karen<BR><P>------------------<BR>Empathy is such a wonderful thing, but in situations like this, it's a shame we know how.

Interesting topic....<P>I definitely love one certain man (we are both single... he is seeing someone else). It's like he knew that I was this very loyal person who would not see anyone else because I had feelings for him. It's petty... in a way... but does it work? We're not dealing with the giver here when a person wants to have his/her cake and eat it too. Reality is a waker upper.<P>I'm popular, well-liked, told oft that I am "attractive" (that's in the eye of the beholder of course). <P>I think my loyalty helped perpetuate this stalemate. <P>I am attending a new church... going to singles groups... an d am considering dating.<P>I know jealousy is a negative thing... but so is the illusion that someone can keep me on the sidelines while seeing someone else (we never dated... but we most definitely have feelings for one another.... which, to me, is pure because I have insisted that he break up with his girlfriend or we cannot see one another even in passing). <P>Well... I am ready at this time to explore other opportunities. I just cannot accept being kept on the sidelines by someone... and I want to get on with my life.<P>There would be an open window of opportunity though... if he threw his truck in reverse. <P>We're both single.<P>Laura