Somebody help me out here! I've been re-reading the Plan A link and I'm stuck on the "sever all contact" part. Since my WH is a serial cheater -- several one-night-stands, all complete strangers, always made sure he couldn't run into them again -- I feel like it's impossible to ask him to do. <P>What do I ask? "Never ever speak with another woman who you don't know", "Don't talk to women in any public place". You see why it seems impossible. <P>He will never sever all contact with the female of the species!<P>Any other serial cheaters or BS of same still out there posting?<P>Oh yes, and WS is a cute musician always getting hit on by starry-eyed (and usually drunk-at-the-end-of-the-night) women who have gone out to the clubs with their main goal being getting laid.

I'm sorry no one has been answering your post...<BR>...I do rememeber there were other members a while back whose H was also in a band... and had "groupie" problems. Check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/004115.html" TARGET=_blank>Polling: How many WS (H) are Musicians</A>. Check the posts (by "searching") of <B>Resilient</B> and <B>MF</B>.<P>In this case...<BR>...you're right... there is no "No contact" letter that makes sense.<P>What your H needs is counseling...<BR>How to get him there?...<BR>...is not by yelling or screaming...<BR>...but by a consistant Plan A.<P>No guarantees...<BR>...but the most work you can do is on you!<P>You have my prayers.<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited April 28, 2001).]

I really don't know that you can Plan A a seriual cheater, bcs Plan A addresses problems int he relationship (LBs, not meeting emtoinal needs), and with a serial cheater, the problem is generally within the person.<P>Have you seen this thread?<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008606.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008606.html</A>

After reading and writing a LOT, I believe that my H is a serial cheater too. Unfortunately, he is also involved in 2 EA/PA's right now as well.<P>I think the best we can do snowwhite, is to keep on with the basics of plan A. Continue to get our own lives back on track, and continue to give our H the EN's he needs. Keep on telling them that we do love them, that we know they need their space, that we are NOT going to just sit around waiting for them to 'know' what they want, that we want them with us, and with us alone, but for that to happen they must NOT continue in their ways (in your case, taking these OW up on their offers, in my case, roaming the single message boards looking for 'love' and continuing to see or talk to Andrea and Kym).<P>Some how, some way, we have to make them see how much their actions hurt us. Perhaps it's too soon for that, due to that darn fog!, but what we CAN do in plan A should help.<P>It is getting DAMN HARD!! You're right, Plan A doesn't totally fit our situations. But we CAN take much from it. And always keep in mind that Plan B DOES fit into our situations, and we have to decide if it's time for it now or not.<P>Take care,<BR>Karen<BR><P>------------------<BR>Empathy is such a wonderful thing, but in situations like this, it's a shame we know how.

Thank you all for your replies. My server was down most of the weekend so this is the first I've been able to jump back in here.<P>NSR, you're full of all sorts of good information. I see you posting replies and links and helpful tips to all of us "newbies". Thanks for that! <P>Yes, I've checked out that link. And yes, I've always known that infidelity is a lifestyle among musicians. My H. wasn't in a band when he first started his serial cheating -- it happened at work. Waiters are also suceptible. It also helped that he worked in a hotel where the women he hooked up with had rooms and would just invite him up. Silly me, thinking he was working so hard all those hours. <P>Being in a band had given him the same kinds of opportunites, minus the free hotel rooms. He's just always had an excuse to be out extra late.<P>And I absolutely agree with you kam, about the problem with a serial cheater being with the person rather than within the relationship. My H. was very, VERY promiscuous before we started dating. He had a new woman about twice a week. Once admitted to 100 women in the first summer we knew each other (we had no relationship then) and I got the feeling that he was PROUD of that!!!<P>About two years into our marriage he started an EA with a woman at work. Though he still says that there were no sexual feelings on either part, they were very VERY close and I was very, VERY out of the loop. They worked together and spent hours socializing -- I would say as a couple -- after work with their circle of friends. Though I told him how I felt about this and that I wanted it to stop, he refused to see how it was affecting our relationship and carried on. <P>Funny thing is, he used my objections to this EA as justification for all future PA's. He thought that I was "accusing" him of being unfaithful -- he didn't see that he really WAS being unfaithful -- and so he took the plunge and started acting single again. <P>Without knowing, I plan A'd to death for two or three years. Letting him go out, letting him do his thing, keeping home open and accessible to him for whenever he decided to come back. I only wish I had insisted on condoms at home that whole time, too, since I knew what was going on. No, I wasn't sweet and sugary the whole time. But I was there and kept begging him to be there with me. <P>I asked him last night if he thought he might be a sex addict. He said he didn't know. He rationalized his promiscuous behaviour (before marriage) as a way to find acceptance, a way to feel "liked". Hmm... same reasons people use drugs and alcohol! <P>And yes, topie, you are ABSOLUTELY right about us just getting our lives back ontrack. From reading some of your other posts, I see that you have days just like mine. I've gone for nearly two weeks without being able to do more around the house than a few dishes and the occasional sweeping. It's all I can do to get out of bed, get the kids to school and make it to work. <P>When I focus ONLY on me and my life and my children, I actually feel better, even HAPPY. It's when he becomes a bigger part of the picture (coming over more, wanting me over at his place, acting like we're a "couple" again) my anxiety levels peak and I crash into these deep depressions. Maybe I'm just not ready to work on this relationship yet. <P>I think I'm putting my foot down though and insisting that he meet MY EN's for a change. I don't know if this is an LB since he's the one begging to be let back into my life. And I don't know at what point, if any, I should let him back in. <P>Well, sorry about the long ranting post. But who knows how long until MSN crashes again!<P>

To a certain degree, I'm opposite to you. I don't feel anxious after spending 'quality time' with H. If anything, it calms me down immensely. It is during those times that I can see the man I married. The man I love. The man I want back. When the two of us are alone together (or with the kids), things are 'safe'. <P>It's when he's not around, that I get worried. I KNOW he's living in 2 different worlds. The first, being the reality of a loving wife and 3 young sons (one 2yr old, and 10 week old twins). The second, the fantasy world. All based on lies. I have caught him in so many of them, and he's still feeding me more of them even without me asking direct questions. It is getting all too frustrating.<P>I know that for me, I have to move into planB. But I have to take extreme measures so that I can do it right. And that is to move out of town. The plans are in the works, however, it probably won't happen until Sept 1st at the earliest. I'm just waiting it out, and plan Aing in the meantime.<P>Karen<BR><P>------------------<BR>Empathy is such a wonderful thing, but in situations like this, it's a shame we know how.